Marriage Misnomers: What's Good for You

Marriage is self-emptying. It requires self-sacrifice. It means unity. But does unity mean morphing into the other person? Does it require spending every minute that you can together? Does what's good for you have to be good for both of you? Some would say it does. I disagree. While marriage does require a lot of selflessness, it also requires a measure of self-care, and that means at least at little attention to self.

I tried for a long time to be completely sacrificial in my marriage, to give my husband as much as I could of what he wanted and stuff down what I wanted. Sure, I did some things that I wanted to do, but I often served him out of a sense of obligation and grudging. I often refused to let him help me, feeling guilty if I wasn't doing absolutely everything I could ever be capable of doing. And I fell apart. At some point, I realized that I wasn't serving my husband in refusing to admit my needs or care for myself. We were one flesh, and if I wasn't doing well, he wasn't going to do well. He had been asking me to ask for help, so I started doing it. It was freeing.

As I continued to practice asking my husband for help, I started taking some time for myself. Time to check in. Time to recharge. Time to care for myself. I needed my life back! I couldn't give life to my marriage when I was stifling my own life. I started trying to plug back into my intuition and start respecting the still small voice inside. The path was rocky, accentuated by that familiar voice of guilt, and not comfortable, but I had to do something.

Not coincidentally, as I did things that were good for me, I found that I had more energy to give to my husband. I could tolerate a little more distress. I had more grace and an increased sense of understanding when my husband wanted to do something for his own good, such as spending time with friends or pursuing a hobby. I realized that sometimes what's good for you individually is often good for the unified you.

On the flip side, does what's good for both of you always feel good for you? No. Again, sometimes marriage requires sacrifice. Marriage is, after all, a sanctifying process. But if you individually are full of good and are pursuing good, it is easier to make sacrifice.

Things are good for you only if they're good for both of you? No, do good things. Purse your own good. Pursue your spouse's good. Pursue your unified good. Pursue God. He defines the ultimate good.