38.

I have much to reflect on this year. First of all, there is my tradition of making a goal for the year on my birthday. Honestly, with choosing a word of the year, I neither remember nor prioritize my birthday goal, so this will be the year I drop that practice. For reference, though, my goal last year was to reclaim my life. I took more risks, traveled, ran in a lot of races (some last minute). I decided it was okay to prioritize life over work (trying to do my best at work, but not spending time outside of work on work, if that makes sense). I quit counseling, in part because I felt ready, and in part because I wanted more time to live life. I am not sure I practiced contentment or at least practiced it well. I think I ten get on the "hedonic treadmill" of always doing and wanting more. It's good to have goals, but not too many....

As I get older, I don't want to "just live." I want to enjoy life, savor it. I only get one life on this earth! Far too often, though, I am cranky, tired, worn out. That's not the way I want to live, but it unfortunately seems to be my default. After the "have-to's" are done, I just don't have much energy left. I could blame this on my personality, or work, or what have you, but my attitude is really my own problem on which to work.

So maybe in this year of less, I should focus on having less grumpiness and more joy; less discontent, and more gratitude; less scraping by, and more presence. I really don't have it bad. God has given me a good life (albeit with the pains and hardships of living in a sin-stained world.) I want to live this life. I want to enjoy this life, because really, nothing is guaranteed.

I do have some bigger goals for life as a whole. We'll see if they happen. I'm trying to work towards them little by little, but then there's...life. So for now, I'll try to enjoy what I can, hold a lose grip, and surrender my dreams to the Lord because He'll either empower me to achieve them, or He won't, and in the end, He will be the greatest reward and the greatest prize.