"Journal? I thought that was the name of your boyfriend," my coworker said after I shared my list of anger coping skills. My coworker likes to tease my about being single, so I had to laugh. But on a more serious note, the interaction made me think about journaling and its role in my life.
I started journaling after a particularly difficult first semester of college. It was my solution to my disconnection from my life, to my lack of honesty about how much I was struggling. I committed to journaling once a week at that point, and slowly, journaling evolved to an every day practice. I started writing down lessons learned in my daily devotions. When the Spirit convicted me about lack of gratitude, writing in my journal became a practice in thanksgiving. Then I started jotting down prayer requests and quotes and thoughts. I wrote in full sentences for awhile. I wrote neatly for a while. Now my journal is filled with jots and tittles and dashes and sketches and everything else. I often find food and chocolate smears in my journal. Basically, my journal is a mess, because my life is a mess. But I think the mess of my journal keeps me grounded.
I don't journal as much as I used to. I primarily journal when I read my Bible in the morning, when I get home from work, and before I start winding down for the night. I used to take my journal to work and write while I snacked before bed, but I found that those practices could keep me stuck in my head and stimulate overthinking, so I quit them.
I have saved my journals from the last nine or so years of life, but I've yet to flip back through many of them. I'm not sure I want to, and I'm not sure I want anyone else to, either. My journals are my way of sorting out life, of purging the good and the bad. I do mince a few words for fear that others will read, but basically, my journals are raw. They're a reflection of the real me, good, bad, and ugly, really ugly.
Journaling is a valuable practice in my life, but in no way does it fully meet my needs for processing and connection. I still need people and community. I need people to help me reflect and process and see things in a new light. I need community to love me and encourage me and pray for me and support me. I need people to remind me that I'm not the center of the universe and that my thoughts don't run the world.
Journaling is a valuable practice for me, but let's be clear. My journal is not my best friend (or my boyfriend!). I'm human and no inanimate object can take the place of my need for other people.
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