Elusive Trust

Trust. It's a tricky thing. I think I have it, and then I suddenly realize I don't. And it's the slightest things that tend to reveal my lack of trust. That person not doing what they said they'd do one time. My husband coming home slightly later than expected. A miscommunication. Yes, sometimes it's big things, too, things that end relationships, but more often it's ins and outs of everyday life. I think the problem comes down to trust in God.

I don't think I fully trust God. I know I should, but as a fallen human, I don't. Change shows me this. Change is inevitable, sometimes good, sometimes bad, sometimes neutral, but always part of life. And it freaks me out. This is what shows me that I don't fully trust God. Because if I did, I would be stable. I would be immovable, fixed on God, the ever unchanging one (Heb 13:8). I am not fully there.

Because I am not fully founded and rooted in God, I struggle to trust myself. I question my body when it changes. I question if I can trust my intuition. I question my five senses. I question myself. That then transfers to others. I question my husband. I question my friends. I question motives. I question intentions. I question.

Thus far in life trust, or at least total and complete trust, has alluded me. It bugs me. It bugs those I love. (Ask my husband!) I am sure it grieves God. So I've got to work on it, work on believing what I read in the Word. Work on believing what I know. Work on accepting change, knowing that God is not elusive. He is ever present. He never fails, and that changes the world!

I Can Trust Him.

 

The refrigerator froze my fresh produce. Again. There is nothing I can do about it, at least nothing right now, and it really rankles me. I like fresh produce. I work hard to try to keep it around. I spend our hard earned money on it. I've been trying to arrange the fridge so that my produce won't freeze, and despite all my efforts, the food froze anyway.

I recognize that frozen produce is a first-world problem. Some people don't have food. I know this. But the refrigerator freezing food that it shouldn't bothers me. That's okay. What's not okay is my perseveration about it. God knows! God made the produce. God gave humans the creativity to make machines like refrigerators. He provides the resources to have a home, to have a refrigerator, to have electricity to run it, to have money to pay the electricity bills, to have money to buy the food that the refrigerator freezes. The refrigerator freezing fresh produce upset is indeed a "small" thing, but it shows the bent of my heart.

I tend, far too often, far too much, to rely on myself for my own provision. I get bent out of shape when my provision fails. And who am I to even think I can provide for myself? But yet somehow I do. And as I stood there at the refrigerator, I felt the Spirit prick my conscience, and I had to say to myself, "I can trust Him."

Yes, I can trust God. With my frozen produce. With my refrigerator. With my life! I think I trust God, but little things like this show me just how much I don't. It's okay to be upset. It's not okay to act like I control the world.

God controls the world. God is my provider. God is good. I can trust Him! I need to trust Him more. Hopefully I remember that the next time I encounter a challenge, whether it is with the food in the refrigerator drawer or in a larger arena. The issue is not really the problem at hand. The issue is my heart.

Acting "As If"

I have a hard time trusting my husband. It is not that he is not trustworthy-he is. I just struggle to trust anyone. Although I know in my head that I am very needy, I am also a rugged individualist and want to do everything for myself. Top it all off with a fear of others disappointing me, and I get trust issues.

My husband said to me the other day, though, "I don't care if you trust me. Act as if." He did not take my trust struggles personally. He just gave me feedback about how to act. I appreciated that. No judgment. No emotional reaction. Just the facts.

I did not want to trust my husband that day, but I did, or at least I followed his advice to act "as if." It was not easy, but neither was trying to stand in solidarity. Since that time, I have tried acting "as if" a few more times, and you know what? It works!

I don't often feel like trusting. I don't often feel like doing a lot of things, for that matter, but sometimes I know the right thing and I just have to do it. I have to act as if until the feelings come, or don't come. I just have to act and keep going.

I don't know what you're going through, friend, but maybe you need to act "as if." Maybe you need to stand on faith rather than on fear. Maybe you need to follow facts over feeling. I know it is hard. Believe me. But it's worth it. Good things come to those who wait. Good things come to those who act.

I Can't Be His Protector.

I feel my husband's pain. I should feel his pain if I am truly one with him. If I am honest, though, I don't like it. I am selfish. I continually find myself trying to prevent my husband's pain so that I don't feel it when, if anything, I should be trying to prevent pain for my husband's sake. Sometimes the pain I perceive is not real, or not real for him. It just hurts me, and I'm not willing to endure it for His Sake. On a grander scale, my actions to prevent my husband's pain are wrong when I am trying to take control over things God has given my husband to do. I am wrong when I try to take on my husband's role as protector. At the worst, I might be preventing my husband from learning what God has for him, from becoming who God wants Him to be. That I really don't want to do!

Where do I find myself stepping outside my role and trying to "save" my husband? Planning his schedule. Double checking his packing for trips. Nagging him about tasks. Basically treating him like a child when he is a capable, grown man. Ouch! Not what I intend to do, but where my unwillingness to cope with pain has led me.

I sometimes try to force my husband to do things that for my sake, too. I want him to take certain foods for lunch because I think he should, and because I don't want to cope with the anxiety of wondering if I provided appropriately for him. That's not appropriate. He is in charge of knowing what he needs, and I need to let him tell me what that is. When I force what I think he needs on him, I can cause his pain while trying to avoid pain myself. What a paradox!

What of my husband's biblical role as spiritual leader and protector? Do my attempts to protect him from all pain encourage him in his God-given role. Sadly, no. And if I am not working for my husband's good and sanctification, I am working against it. Convicting!

Gary Chapman writes about the perils of being overprotective of one's spouse in his book, The Marriage You've Always Wanted. He writes that a spouse doesn't need another father or mother, but rather a co-laborer, a supporter. Trying to rescue my husband from all potential pending doom does not fall in these categories. Do I want to support my spouse? Yes. Do I want to try to prevent pain where I can? Yes. Trying to prevent pain, all together, however, just isn't realistic or godly.

So what now? Now that I know for sure I cannot and should not try to be my husband's sole protector, the only thing that remains is for me to let him "fail" sometimes. That might look like actual failure, or just what I perceive of as less than the ideal I want for my husband. It is not that I want my husband to suffer, but that sometimes failure is part of learning. God is God and my intervening may be the "amateur providence" that Oswald Chambers warns against a potential cause of spiritual stagnation. I want my husband to grow. I want him to become who God wants him to be. That means I must stop trying to be his protector and grow myself, in my own toleration of pain and distress perhaps most of all. God is our protector. I must trust Him to protect both our hearts, souls, minds, and bodies. Only He is able to provide that kind of covering.

Trusting God, Trusting Others, Trusting Myself

I struggle with trusting God. And I struggle with trusting others. I struggle to trust people when they say they're willing to do something for me. I struggle to trust others when they says I'm really not bothering him or being a burden. I think I struggle to take what other people say at basic face value. And I struggle to trust myself. I think it's all related.

I struggle to trust God and let Him have control. I struggle to trust and believe and act on the truth that God is good. So I don't always believe that people are good. I don't trust my own feelings, or my own body, or the Holy Spirit insight God has given me. So I push and wrestle and struggle and flail. And it's not great...at all, for my faith, or my relationships, or my health.

So I'm working on trusting God, trusting others, trusting myself. I know I won't ever arrive at complete trust, but I need to work on growing it. Because trust is bedrock for everything that's good in life, and solace in everything that's not. 

Trusting Jesus More

"Trust and obey, for there’s no other way to be happy in Jesus, but to trust and obey."

~John H. Sammis, "Trust and Obey"

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

~Proverbs 3:5-6, New International Version

"'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His Word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know, 'Thus saith the Lord!'"

~William J. Kirkpatrick, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus"

My closest friends and family know that I've had a saying, "There's always a reason to trust Jesus" for quite some time. And man is that ever true! I think I'm dealing with fear and coping well with life, and then around the corner comes another area where I need to trust Jesus. And I don't like it.

Work stress, and life busyness, and engagement, and wedding planning all at once have recently brought to light many areas where I need to trust. I wonder, "When will the struggle to trust be over?" But then I remember that life is a gift, that struggles are gifts, for struggles cause us to fall upon the grace of Jesus.

"Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him! How I've proved Him o'er and o'er. Jesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!

Oh, for grace to trust Him more!"

~William J. Kirkpatrick, "'Tis So Sweet To Trust in Jesus"

May Jesus be glorified as I, a fallen human, learn to trust Him more.

Anxious for Nothing (Book Review)

Anxiety affects the best of us, and MaxLucado's book Anxious for Nothing once again provides soothing words for the soul. Lucado's ideas are not revolutionary, but his reminders are apt and well spoken. There is also a healthy dose of psychoeducation presented, too. Above all else, Lucado focuses readers on God and His ability to guide and provide, even in the midst of life's storms.

Pray. Trust. Give Thanks. These are the disciplines Lucado stresses as antidotes to anxiety. Lucado has plenty of good quotes to remind readers to do the same. Here are a few of my favorites:

If you struggle with anxiety, worrying about the past, present, and future (and often all at once), this is a book for you! It's not condemning. It's comforting, while at the same time challenging. I do have a slightly different take on my approach to anxiety after reading. I need to pray specifically, thank God, and choose to focus on the positive. The quotes shared above (along with others) have already reminded me to do these things, and they will probably continue to do so for the long term.