I Can't Be His Protector.

I feel my husband's pain. I should feel his pain if I am truly one with him. If I am honest, though, I don't like it. I am selfish. I continually find myself trying to prevent my husband's pain so that I don't feel it when, if anything, I should be trying to prevent pain for my husband's sake. Sometimes the pain I perceive is not real, or not real for him. It just hurts me, and I'm not willing to endure it for His Sake. On a grander scale, my actions to prevent my husband's pain are wrong when I am trying to take control over things God has given my husband to do. I am wrong when I try to take on my husband's role as protector. At the worst, I might be preventing my husband from learning what God has for him, from becoming who God wants Him to be. That I really don't want to do!

Where do I find myself stepping outside my role and trying to "save" my husband? Planning his schedule. Double checking his packing for trips. Nagging him about tasks. Basically treating him like a child when he is a capable, grown man. Ouch! Not what I intend to do, but where my unwillingness to cope with pain has led me.

I sometimes try to force my husband to do things that for my sake, too. I want him to take certain foods for lunch because I think he should, and because I don't want to cope with the anxiety of wondering if I provided appropriately for him. That's not appropriate. He is in charge of knowing what he needs, and I need to let him tell me what that is. When I force what I think he needs on him, I can cause his pain while trying to avoid pain myself. What a paradox!

What of my husband's biblical role as spiritual leader and protector? Do my attempts to protect him from all pain encourage him in his God-given role. Sadly, no. And if I am not working for my husband's good and sanctification, I am working against it. Convicting!

Gary Chapman writes about the perils of being overprotective of one's spouse in his book, The Marriage You've Always Wanted. He writes that a spouse doesn't need another father or mother, but rather a co-laborer, a supporter. Trying to rescue my husband from all potential pending doom does not fall in these categories. Do I want to support my spouse? Yes. Do I want to try to prevent pain where I can? Yes. Trying to prevent pain, all together, however, just isn't realistic or godly.

So what now? Now that I know for sure I cannot and should not try to be my husband's sole protector, the only thing that remains is for me to let him "fail" sometimes. That might look like actual failure, or just what I perceive of as less than the ideal I want for my husband. It is not that I want my husband to suffer, but that sometimes failure is part of learning. God is God and my intervening may be the "amateur providence" that Oswald Chambers warns against a potential cause of spiritual stagnation. I want my husband to grow. I want him to become who God wants him to be. That means I must stop trying to be his protector and grow myself, in my own toleration of pain and distress perhaps most of all. God is our protector. I must trust Him to protect both our hearts, souls, minds, and bodies. Only He is able to provide that kind of covering.