I Can't Be His Protector.

I feel my husband's pain. I should feel his pain if I am truly one with him. If I am honest, though, I don't like it. I am selfish. I continually find myself trying to prevent my husband's pain so that I don't feel it when, if anything, I should be trying to prevent pain for my husband's sake. Sometimes the pain I perceive is not real, or not real for him. It just hurts me, and I'm not willing to endure it for His Sake. On a grander scale, my actions to prevent my husband's pain are wrong when I am trying to take control over things God has given my husband to do. I am wrong when I try to take on my husband's role as protector. At the worst, I might be preventing my husband from learning what God has for him, from becoming who God wants Him to be. That I really don't want to do!

Where do I find myself stepping outside my role and trying to "save" my husband? Planning his schedule. Double checking his packing for trips. Nagging him about tasks. Basically treating him like a child when he is a capable, grown man. Ouch! Not what I intend to do, but where my unwillingness to cope with pain has led me.

I sometimes try to force my husband to do things that for my sake, too. I want him to take certain foods for lunch because I think he should, and because I don't want to cope with the anxiety of wondering if I provided appropriately for him. That's not appropriate. He is in charge of knowing what he needs, and I need to let him tell me what that is. When I force what I think he needs on him, I can cause his pain while trying to avoid pain myself. What a paradox!

What of my husband's biblical role as spiritual leader and protector? Do my attempts to protect him from all pain encourage him in his God-given role. Sadly, no. And if I am not working for my husband's good and sanctification, I am working against it. Convicting!

Gary Chapman writes about the perils of being overprotective of one's spouse in his book, The Marriage You've Always Wanted. He writes that a spouse doesn't need another father or mother, but rather a co-laborer, a supporter. Trying to rescue my husband from all potential pending doom does not fall in these categories. Do I want to support my spouse? Yes. Do I want to try to prevent pain where I can? Yes. Trying to prevent pain, all together, however, just isn't realistic or godly.

So what now? Now that I know for sure I cannot and should not try to be my husband's sole protector, the only thing that remains is for me to let him "fail" sometimes. That might look like actual failure, or just what I perceive of as less than the ideal I want for my husband. It is not that I want my husband to suffer, but that sometimes failure is part of learning. God is God and my intervening may be the "amateur providence" that Oswald Chambers warns against a potential cause of spiritual stagnation. I want my husband to grow. I want him to become who God wants him to be. That means I must stop trying to be his protector and grow myself, in my own toleration of pain and distress perhaps most of all. God is our protector. I must trust Him to protect both our hearts, souls, minds, and bodies. Only He is able to provide that kind of covering.

Thoughtful, But Unkind

I've always thought of myself as a thoughtful person. But the Holy Spirit has shown me lately that thoughtfulness and seeing the needs of others does not always equate with kindness. Though I may be a thoughtful person, able to see the needs of others, I am very unkind.

Case in point: The other night in the shower, I kept turning up the water hotter and hotter. I knew I was running the water tank low, leaving my husband with only cold water, but I did it anyway. I chose my comfort over his. In the same manner, I often see the needs of others, but steel myself against them, sometimes because I don't want to dig deep to see if I can meet those needs, sometimes because seeing the needs hurts me, sometimes for other reasons. In most cases, my selfishness comes to light.

I am not Jesus. I cannot meet the needs of everyone, but I can be kind. And I should be more kind. But I'm not getting there myself. And being self-righteous about how thoughtful I think I am isn't going to help me.

Having the Spirit show me how great a sinner I am is painful. It is shaving down of my pride. But the more I realize I am a sinner, the more I realize I need Jesus. And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Jesus is the only truly thoughtful and perfectly kind human. He is the only one who can meet all our needs. May I ever more look to him as the Spirit forms me in His likeness.

Lessons Learned from a Power Outage

It had been an exciting day, and I had my evening all planned out. I was going to research a few things on the internet, take a hot shower, eat a nice leisurely snack while reading the newspaper, and go to bed early or on time (a novelty these days). And then the power went out.

I was ticked. Power is a first world luxury, but I wanted it, needed it. I felt angry about having to walk around the house use my cell phone as a flash light. (I was blessed the phone was charged.) I felt disgruntled that I couldn't use internet. I wanted light for my shower. I felt I deserved my routine after the busyness of the day. I felt I needed that nightly set of habits to be safe. In my anger and frustration, I even prayed for the power to come back on. It didn't.

I obsessively checked the power outage map on my cell phone. It said power restoration at 12:24 am, but would update every five minutes. I checked every five minutes, or less. No changes. I debated not taking a shower, but decided against it. I needed a shower, even if it wasn't how I wanted it. The Spirit convicted me that I was looking to earthly things for comfort when God was my comfort. Things therefore, weren't going to change.

So I took my shower, got my snack, and started trying to read the newspaper by hurricane lamp. I put my phone away. I didn't finish my internet research. Finally, I got to a place where I was almost content. And then right before I went to bed, the power came back on. That was a blessing, as I rely on a box fan for white noise, and I needed power for that. But to be honest, I was a bit miffed. I lost "my evening" for the power outage, and now I really needed to go to bed. So I tried to cultivate a spirit of thanksgiving and gratitude and go to sleep.

I think I'm seeking the Lord, walking in His ways, and relying on Him, and then little things show me I'm not. Oh, how I need the grace of God, every hour, every minute, every breath. He's my Power Source.

Godliness or Control

A lot of people seem to think that I'm perfect. Nope! Maybe I just hide my sin a little better than some because it's in my heart more often than it's apparent in my actions. And that isn't something to brag about.

I was convicted of my sinful nature again this past weekend when the Holy Spirit prompted me to do something I didn't want to do. I had drawn a line in the sand and was like, "Nope!" I wrestled with the issue for awhile and then the Spirit asked, "Do you want to be godly, or do you want to be in control?"

Convicted. I did the thing and decided not to be passive aggressive and trying to get my own way. This wasn't a victory for me, but it was a victory for the Spirit. Praise Him! May He continually have more victory in my life.

Any Spirit victories in your lives recently, friends? Please feel free to share in the comments section below.

A Clarifying Question

I whipped open that new document at the speed of light and started to paste in a link to an article that resonated with me and buoyed my belief in my cause. I was ready to build a case against the nonsense a loved one had been spouting recently. And then the Holy Spirit stopped me, "How will that affect your heart?" It asked. I stopped dread in my tracks. Mind you, I almost pasted in that link and went back to search for all the other articles I had read that supported the way I believed. But I stopped and thought first.

As I thought, I asked myself how having a library of articles would help my relationship with that person. I asked myself if I intended to send my bastion of proof to the person in written form. I asked myself if my "burden of proof" would really change the way my loved one thought. Not well. No. No. I answered. 

"What would a retinue of articles do for me?" I asked. Justify my cause. Make me feel self-righteous. Make me hold a grudge against the person.

Weighing the pros and cons of my "law library," I made a decision. I closed the document before I pasted in the first link. 

The world doesn't need more lawgivers or judges. The world doesn't need more people arguing their cases, especially about things that don't have eternal value. And my loved one certainly doesn't need a whole lot of push-back against their lifestyle choice, especially since it's not really a black-and-white/right-or-wrong issue.  

"How will that affect your heart? What a good clarifying question to ask before I cast the next stone. "They show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts sometimes accusing them and at other times even defending them" Romans 2:15 says (New International Version). God will take care of the law. And about things that aren't God's law? I've got better ways to use my time for the kingdom. Thank you, Spirit, for the reminder.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.