If I had a dollar for every time my husband and/or I have been asked if we plan to have kids, we'd be rich. I got a little offended at the questions at first, but I am coming to accept and even expect them. As my husband pointed out, most people are just innocently curious. Others really care about us and our plans and want to pray for us. We appreciate that. And as I read recently, maybe I need to develop a thicker skin and better boundaries around conversation.
For the record, I don't plan to discuss family planning in this post. What I do plan to discuss is the purpose of our marriage: to make disciples. My husband and I discussed this long before we got married, and our stance hasn't changed. As believers in Jesus Christ for salvation, we are called to fulfill The Great Commission: "Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit "(Matt 28:19, New International Version). We were called to fulfill this mission before we got married, and by God's grace and the Holy Spirit's power, we were. He worked at a church and with kids in church ministry. I worked in a professional vocation that caused me to interact with kids and families in a way that pointed them to the eternal hope of Jesus, even if I could not say His name. Marriage just added another avenue by which to disciple. (See Francis Chan's book You and Me, Forever for a more thorough discussion of this topic.)
Having biological kids is not always an option. Some people are called to foster and/or adopt. Some people love other people's kids as godparents. Some people work in vocational mystery with kids. We don't want to pin down or forecast what God has for us. But what we do want to do is keep making disciples. We want to keep speaking the name of Jesus where we are able to do so. We want to keep supporting missions and mission work in word, action, and deed. We want to keep engaging in conversations about faith, both with loved ones, and with people God brings to us, or sends us out to. We want to be faithful and good stewards of what God has given us.
Marriage exists because God ordained it. Marriage exists to model Christ and the church. To demean marriage to simply an avenue by which to propagate the earth is to make marriage small. We have a larger view:
Our marriage exists to make disciples, but grace, through faith in Christ Jesus, by the power of the Holy Spirit.
That's the drop dead goal, folks. By God's grace, may we walk in it.
My husband and I have had quite a few conversations lately about relationships. Church relationships. Our relationship. Our relationships with friends. Parents. Siblings. Extended family. Coworkers. We have questioned how we should relate to them. We want to relate in grace, with love, but also in truth. And we often don't know how to do it.
In the midst of all these relationship discussions, I have been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's all about how if husbands love their wives and wives respect their husbands, marriage will work the way it's supposed to work, or at least according to God's plan. I don't completely disagree, but I do disagree with the premise that marital, or really any relationships work on solely a horizontal axis.
Let me explain. We do a lot of transactions in relationships. You do this, and I'll do that. You give me this, and I'll give you that. We live in a free market economy where we exchange money for goods and services. Or we trade and barter for what we need and want. But that's not how it works in the kingdom of God. Christ gave all, and we're called to give all in return, all to Him first, and then all to others in selfless service. (See Philippians 2:1-11.) But if we're not right with God, that isn't going to happen.
Our first and primary relationship must be with God through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. We must get all our validation and acceptance and love from Him. That's not to say that we don't want or need others to love and accept us, but that we have to get primary validation from God. Because if we're looking to other people to love and accept us and give us what we need, we're in sorry shape.
Our vertical relationship is key to getting the kind of unconditional love that we need if we are to love others unconditionally. Our vertical relationship is key to getting the strength and Holy Spirit power we need to love people when they're difficult or hard. Our vertical relationship is key to having an appealingly positive attitude to those around us, so that our lives speak to the goodness of God. (See the Jesus Always July 18th entry for more on this.) Our vertical relationship is key to having right relationships as husbands and wives. (Momentary Marriage by John Piper is so far my favorite resource on this topic.) If the vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff just isn't going to happen.
So friends, if you're struggling in relationships, yes, you need to make it right, but first, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Am I right with God?" If the answer to that is, "No." Then you might want to start there. Because if your vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff isn't likely to resolve, or at least not likely to resolve in God's way, and according to God's pattern of intention for human relationships.
I whipped open that new document at the speed of light and started to paste in a link to an article that resonated with me and buoyed my belief in my cause. I was ready to build a case against the nonsense a loved one had been spouting recently. And then the Holy Spirit stopped me, "How will that affect your heart?" It asked. I stopped dread in my tracks. Mind you, I almost pasted in that link and went back to search for all the other articles I had read that supported the way I believed. But I stopped and thought first.
As I thought, I asked myself how having a library of articles would help my relationship with that person. I asked myself if I intended to send my bastion of proof to the person in written form. I asked myself if my "burden of proof" would really change the way my loved one thought. Not well. No. No. I answered.
"What would a retinue of articles do for me?" I asked. Justify my cause. Make me feel self-righteous. Make me hold a grudge against the person.
Weighing the pros and cons of my "law library," I made a decision. I closed the document before I pasted in the first link.
The world doesn't need more lawgivers or judges. The world doesn't need more people arguing their cases, especially about things that don't have eternal value. And my loved one certainly doesn't need a whole lot of push-back against their lifestyle choice, especially since it's not really a black-and-white/right-or-wrong issue.
"How will that affect your heart? What a good clarifying question to ask before I cast the next stone. "They show that the requirements of the law are written on their hearts, their consciences also bearing witness, and their thoughts sometimes accusing them and at other times even defending them" Romans 2:15 says (New International Version). God will take care of the law. And about things that aren't God's law? I've got better ways to use my time for the kingdom. Thank you, Spirit, for the reminder.
I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.
