If the Vertical Isn't Right...

My husband and I have had quite a few conversations lately about relationships. Church relationships. Our relationship. Our relationships with friends. Parents. Siblings. Extended family. Coworkers. We have questioned how we should relate to them. We want to relate in grace, with love, but also in truth. And we often don't know how to do it.

In the midst of all these relationship discussions, I have been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's all about how if husbands love their wives and wives respect their husbands, marriage will work the way it's supposed to work, or at least according to God's plan. I don't completely disagree, but I do disagree with the premise that marital, or really any relationships work on solely a horizontal axis.

Let me explain. We do a lot of transactions in relationships. You do this, and I'll do that. You give me this, and I'll give you that. We live in a free market economy where we exchange money for goods and services. Or we trade and barter for what we need and want. But that's not how it works in the kingdom of God. Christ gave all, and we're called to give all in return, all to Him first, and then all to others in selfless service. (See Philippians 2:1-11.) But if we're not right with God, that isn't going to happen.

Our first and primary relationship must be with God through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. We must get all our validation and acceptance and love from Him. That's not to say that we don't want or need others to love and accept us, but that we have to get primary validation from God. Because if we're looking to other people to love and accept us and give us what we need, we're in sorry shape.

Our vertical relationship is key to getting the kind of unconditional love that we need if we are to love others unconditionally. Our vertical relationship is key to getting the strength and Holy Spirit power we need to love people when they're difficult or hard. Our vertical relationship is key to having an appealingly positive attitude to those around us, so that our lives speak to the goodness of God. (See the Jesus Always July 18th entry for more on this.) Our vertical relationship is key to having right relationships as husbands and wives. (Momentary Marriage by John Piper is so far my favorite resource on this topic.) If the vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff just isn't going to happen.

So friends, if you're struggling in relationships, yes, you need to make it right, but first, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Am I right with God?" If the answer to that is, "No." Then you might want to start there. Because if your vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff isn't likely to resolve, or at least not likely to resolve in God's way, and according to God's pattern of intention for human relationships.