Complement, Not Competition

I had a pretty big meltdown a few weeks before Chris asked me to marry him. I felt utterly inadequate and incapable of being a good girlfriend, let alone anything else. I had a serious talk with Chris about my feelings and tried to give him the chance exit our relationship graciously. Clearly that didn't work. (And praise God, it didn't.)

But here I sit again, a little over a month into marriage, feeling super inadequate. I felt that way when I wrote my reflections about a month of marriage, and I felt even more that way when I arrived home from work to find flowers and a really sweet card that evening. I had seriously typed up some thoughts, wrote an, "I love you," note on the outside and set it an Chris's spot at the table that morning. That was all.

Chris was teaching at youth group when I got home and found the flowers. I wanted to text him and tell him, "Thank you," and that if we're supposed to "outdo one another in showing honor," he'd won (Rom 12:10, English Standard Version). But then I stopped myself. Here I was again, thinking that we were in a competition. We're not. That's not what marriage is about. So I texted a simple, "Thank you" instead. It wasn't enough to say, but that was all I could say.

So often in marriage, I think we find ourselves competing. On good days, we compete to see who can be more loving, or more helpful, or more "spousely." On bad days, we compete to see who will can nurse anger the longest, who can hold a grudge without caving, who can make the other one move first. Competition isn't good, folks, in any of those cases. Because if we're trying to win, we're working independently. We're operating out of pride. And our marriages will ultimately lose.

If we go back to an Ephesians 5:21 definition of marriage as mutual submission, we shouldn't ever be trying to win in our marriages. Rather, we should be trying to serve out of and in love. Because when we serve out of love, we look for ways to complement and help, rather than compete. We build up, rather than tear down. And that drives our marriages to Jesus and helps us be more complete in Him.

So friends, if you, like me, find yourself competing with your spouse (in good ways, bad ways, or maybe both), stop. Take a breath. Ask yourself if you're really doing yourself any favors, if your marriage is going to win because of your behaviors. Then turn around, serve your spouse, and show love selflessly. Find ways that you can help. Look for needs in your spouse that you might be able to meet. Competition won't win you any growth in your relationship. Complementation will.