If the Vertical Isn't Right...

My husband and I have had quite a few conversations lately about relationships. Church relationships. Our relationship. Our relationships with friends. Parents. Siblings. Extended family. Coworkers. We have questioned how we should relate to them. We want to relate in grace, with love, but also in truth. And we often don't know how to do it.

In the midst of all these relationship discussions, I have been reading Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. It's all about how if husbands love their wives and wives respect their husbands, marriage will work the way it's supposed to work, or at least according to God's plan. I don't completely disagree, but I do disagree with the premise that marital, or really any relationships work on solely a horizontal axis.

Let me explain. We do a lot of transactions in relationships. You do this, and I'll do that. You give me this, and I'll give you that. We live in a free market economy where we exchange money for goods and services. Or we trade and barter for what we need and want. But that's not how it works in the kingdom of God. Christ gave all, and we're called to give all in return, all to Him first, and then all to others in selfless service. (See Philippians 2:1-11.) But if we're not right with God, that isn't going to happen.

Our first and primary relationship must be with God through the atoning sacrifice of Jesus. We must get all our validation and acceptance and love from Him. That's not to say that we don't want or need others to love and accept us, but that we have to get primary validation from God. Because if we're looking to other people to love and accept us and give us what we need, we're in sorry shape.

Our vertical relationship is key to getting the kind of unconditional love that we need if we are to love others unconditionally. Our vertical relationship is key to getting the strength and Holy Spirit power we need to love people when they're difficult or hard. Our vertical relationship is key to having an appealingly positive attitude to those around us, so that our lives speak to the goodness of God. (See the Jesus Always July 18th entry for more on this.) Our vertical relationship is key to having right relationships as husbands and wives. (Momentary Marriage by John Piper is so far my favorite resource on this topic.) If the vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff just isn't going to happen.

So friends, if you're struggling in relationships, yes, you need to make it right, but first, I challenge you to ask yourself, "Am I right with God?" If the answer to that is, "No." Then you might want to start there. Because if your vertical isn't right, the horizontal stuff isn't likely to resolve, or at least not likely to resolve in God's way, and according to God's pattern of intention for human relationships.

On Mistakes, Growing, and Moving On

I messed up. The error felt epically huge. And I didn't know what to do other than to own my mistake. But I wanted to fix it, to undo it, to not feel SO terrible about the problem I created. Brene Brown writes that, "When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying back seat driver." I am a perfectionist, a recovering one, I think, yet I keep finding my perfectionism keeps cropping up in new places. And in this situation, it was definitely present because I was definitely afraid, so much that I dreamed about consequences of my mistake for most of the night.

After the night of difficult dreams and haunting reiterations of my mistake, I woke up and read these passages from Sarah Young's Jesus Always:

"I can smooth out all the tangled up places, including those in your mind and heart."

"Be willing to take responsibility for your own mistakes and sin without feeling responsible for the sinful failures of others."

"I am here to help you untangle your complex problems and find the best way to go forward."

"Beware of getting stuck in introspection or obsessing about how to fix things. Instead keep turning to Me, seeking My face and My will."

"Wait with Me, trusting in My timing for unscrambling things and making your way clear."

"Be willing to live with unresolved problems, but don't let them be your focus."

As I read, the Holy Spirit convicted me that my perfectionism was present, even in my shame. I wanted to fix everything...perfectly. I wanted to take all the blame for the problem so that I could find a perfect fix for the issue. I wanted a perfectly pretty resolution. The Spirit clearly showed me that I am not in control. I can only own up to my part of the issue. I cannot take responsibility for the way others respond. The issue at hand might not resolve, or it might not resolve like I want it to resolve. God is in control, not me. He's the only perfect one. I have to let go, admit my imperfection, and let God clean up the rest of the mess. Easier said than done.