Real Life Marriage: It's the Little Things Sometimes.

I am not a parent, but I work with a lot of parents, and in parenting there is the concept of "good enough." This is a research-based concept that says caregivers only need to meet infant needs 20-50% of the time to form a secure, or positive attachment. Sharing this concept helps take the pressure off parents to be perfect, allowing them to capitalize on moments, rather than stressing about the grand scheme of the child's life. And I have been thinking, what if this applies to marriage, too? What if marital strength is not the "more perfect union," but a constellation of strength built on the little things? The longer I am married, the more I think that it is the latter.

My husband and are living through what appears to be the beginning of a very intense season of our lives. We both have work and other commitments that add up to full-time, and often more than full-time jobs. That leaves early mornings, late nights, and weekends to do all of our personal stuff, complete chores, and spend time together. The time doesn't seem like it is enough. Lately, though, we have experienced some moments of connection that really mattered. They were just that, moments in the grand scheme of time, but still meaningful, and surprisingly strengthening for our marriage.

Over the Christmas holidays, my husband suggested buying bocce ball. He wanted an outside game, and we found a set we could afford and went for it. The purchase has already paid off, initiating longer walks to the park, sustained sunshine, and friendly competition in a game where there's enough chance that the win could come at the last minute. A "little" purchase? Yes, but one that paid off in a lot of quality time.

Another little thing that became a big thing was running. Long time readers and real life friends and family enjoy running. I have never insisted that my husband run, but do enjoy it when he runs with me. I recently found a 5K that I thought would interest him and proposed that he train to do it with me, not because he had to, but because we could share the activity. To my delight, he agreed. We did one run together before the event got delayed do to COVID, but it was the highlight of my day. Yes, running together disrupted my routine. Yes, it required me to run differently. Yes, it took time, but it was sweet time, time that I wouldn't give up. We're nearly to the finish line for our race, and runs with my husband are the highlights of my day, treasured time amidst the rat race of the rest of life.

There are big things in marriage, sure. Stellar dates, big accomplishments, anniversaries. Little things matter too, though. Little things can also become the big things that divide us, if we don't let them, if we aren't putting in the good little things as well. As Gary Chapman writes in The Four Seasons of Marriage, “Marriages either grow or regress; they never stand still.” Little things matter, especially in the busy seasons, and even outside those times. How we handle the little things determines if we get bitter or better in our marriages. I prefer the latter.