Benefits of Getting Married At An Older Age

My husband and I got married when we were in our thirties. Prior to meeting, we both wanted to get married, but had not found "the one." I had not even dated! But then God brought us together, and well, we got married.

My husband sometimes muses on what it would have been like to have met in high school. Well, he would have been in high school, and I would have been in middle school. (We have a small age gap.) I report that I probably would not have paid attention to him. I was too caught up in my own stuff to have a healthy relationship. In college, well, I was so focused on academics, I barely took time to take care of myself. That would not have been a great time for us to meet either. I thought I was ready to get married after graduate school, but was I? I think God started to get me ready for marriage when I decided that I would stay single, and then God was like, "I have room for you to grow."

I think there are some benefits of having gotten married at an older age, though, maturity, for one. Our brains are both fully formed, so hopefully our thinking brains are stronger than our emotional brains (not that I am not emotional; I am!). While we disagree, we are mostly able to keep our discussions under control and without saying and doing things we regret. We can reason through more things.

Getting married older means we have had more time to develop our identities and become more sure of ourselves. We know what we like and dislike. We can agree to disagree. (Ironically, I was very intentional to not put on a face, often even a makeup face, when dating my husband, because I did not want to give false impressions. I feel like I hide my true self more now in marriage than then, maybe because marriage reveals more of more true self and all of its vulnerabilities.)

Being married at an older age helps us focus on what matters. We both still get frustrated (well, me more than him), but we recognize small things for small things. Perspective helps us quiet down our fight/flight/freeze responses and engage in constructive dialogue. I have gone to my own fair share of therapy, so I have a few coping skills that I can use when I sense my emotions get heightened. My husband, well, he is mostly a calm, mature guy.

Getting married in our thirties gave us more time to have developed a theology of marriage. We had both seen many marriages, and unfortunately some divorces, and could conceive of the idea that marriage is more about our holiness than our happiness. We understood some of what it meant to image Christ's love for the church from having spent time in God's word. We were not new believers and had some faith history behind us.

I had crossed a lot of items off my bucket list by the time I met husband. I had gotten my graduate degree, gone on a cruise, traveled to the Bahamas, and almost completed my professional licensure. I had done most of what I wanted to do. I did not feel like I was missing anything getting married. In fact, I felt I was gaining everything.

Marriage at an older age means more resources. We know more people. We know of more books. We have more options. We know more of what we want and do not want. Do we do marriage perfectly? No, but I think our older age is a benefit.

People ask my husband and I our plans for life in the future. We don't have any sure ones. I guess maybe I hold to plans a little more lightly because of marriage. Is that a benefit of getting married older? Maybe. Maybe it is just a function of life stage. Either way, I am grateful for marriage, and grateful to have gotten married at an older age. If nothing else, it gives me an appreciation for marriage. I clearly remember the days before marriage, and though marriage is not always easy, I would not go back. I enjoy marriage greatly. Thought I once thought I would settle for singleness, marriage has brought about sweetness, along with a ton of that growth that God promised me!