When Tragedy Strikes

Members of our extended family suffered a tragedy, a terrible tragedy, a little over a month ago. The details are not mine to share, but the effects on my husband and I are. I have said that life is hard. Well this was a whole new level of hard, but one that provided perspective nonetheless. Though I would never, ever wish this tragedy on anyone, I am grateful for the things it revealed to us.

Tragedy revealed our priorities. My husband had to make some hard decisions in the matter at hand. I had to make decisions about whether or not I would support him, or whether I would go my own way. I was stressed. I was scared. I wanted to run and hide. I wanted to go seek support for myself. But when seeking that support meant choosing between my husband and my own wants and desires, by God's grace, I was able to choose my husband. He also chose me. Praise the Lord!

Tragedy reminded me of the need for grace. I am not a very patient person. I want what I want when I want it. I have some understanding, but I fail to give grace with it, especially to my husband. This tragedy softened my heart. Praise God, it made me want to have more grace, show more grace. I pray it will continue.

Tragedy gave me new eyes. I looked at material things differently. I pondered what really matters. I considered what would happen if I lost "everything," and what it would take to rebuild. I considered the greatness of God as refuge. 

Tragedy made me more grateful. I was able to see more as a gift, even as I realized that all is a gift. I entered this world with nothing and will leave this world with nothing except my soul. I could due to have this perspective more often.

Tragedy brought about good. As I wrote initially, I would never, ever wish tragedy on anyone, but we saw, in very tangible and powerful ways, God bring about good through ours. We saw redemption and restoration. We clearly saw God's provision. Grieving brought to our marriage new levels of intimacy and oneness. We longed and prayed more deeply for the salvation of those we love. Against the darkest of backgrounds, the joys of life, and life eternal gleamed brighter. We looked forward with more eagerness to the day of Christ's return, when all things would be made new, when there will be no more mourning or crying (Rev 21:4-5).

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When tragedy strikes, we have choices. Will we let it teach us? Or will will wallow in our sorrow? Will we look for joy, or will we nurse our pain? Will we reach out or reach in? Will we seek God or curse Him? Will we rejoice in life forevermore or more fully pursue a hedonistic enjoyment of the things we have? Choices. Tragedy seems to take them from us, but in reality, it sets more clearly the choices of life before us. What will we choose? 

When the Weight is Too Great to Bear

Tragedy is heavy, trauma excruciatingly painful. Even when not directly our own, it affects us. We don't know how to cope. We don't know how to support. We are uncertain about who to ask for help, or how to ask for help. But we know we have to. We cannot bear it alone. We learned this even more deeply recently.

I got the news of a tragedy in our extended family first by text, and then by phone. I was trying to work, but greatly dysregulated. I needed support. I talked to a trusted coworker first. It was essential that I  talk to an actual person. I needed the co-regulation. Then I texted my mom. She is a pray-er, and I needed the power of her prayers. After work, I called my parents. I needed their comfort. I went home and made sure to eat a good dinner. Thank goodness I had leftovers, as it prevented me from having to make many decisions. My brain didn't have much functioning, but needed nourishment. I did my chores, talked to my husband who was away due to the event, and went to bed. I needed routine, and I needed sleep.

I got up again the next day and again reached out to my parents and my husband. There were many uncertainties and I still didn't know what to do. Slowly but surely, as I reached out and as my family made known their needs, we saw a community come around. We saw people we didn't know reach out to offer prayers and assistance. Coworkers and friends who didn't know our family offered the same. We were given grace when we did not complete things we needed to do. The burden we bore became shared. It did not make the burden-bearing easy, but it certainly made an immense difference!

So often, I find myself falling into a trap of feeling like I have to do it all. It is a lie I believe and a struggle I face often. In this situation, though, I couldn't do it all. I couldn't really do anything, and at the same time, I needed so much. God in His great mercy and grace, provided that "so much," and so much more. Galatians 6:2 commands, "Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ" (New International Version). I had always understood this verse in theory. Tragedy caused me to experience its truth. When the weight is too great to bear, the burden is meant to be shared. In fact, I would argue that tragedy is the type of thing that must be shared if it is to be bearable at all.

Metabolizing Trauma

My clinical supervisor and I had a discussion recently about trauma exposure and how it can decrease creativity. All that bad stuff we encounter? It just sits around and lingers if we don't process it. Often times, the bad in life (or in the world around us) is so bad that we just want to forget it, or let it go, or not acknowledge it. But we have to process it and let its after affects be part of us, or it can rule and wreck us.

So how do we metabolize trauma? I don't fully know. But I know it's necessary to have a vibrant and thriving life, especially with the work I do. So here's a starter list of ways I know I can work through trauma:

• Hiking
• Walking
• Yoga
• Movement in general (because it integrates both sides of the brain)
• Talking
• Drawing
• Writing (part of why I have this blog)
• Cooking
• Sleeping (but only if I do the work of processing afterward)

And I'm going to argue that processing often takes several of these methods, several times. And sometimes processing has to happen over the course of time. Because trauma has a way of re-emerging.

And processing takes action, deliberate action, and deliberate choice. But if I don't process, I'm in trouble. My relationships are in trouble. My work is in trouble. Because unmetabolized trauma causes toxic build up. And toxic build up is deadly.

On the other hand, metabolized by-products can be beneficial. The residual effects of trauma, the scars and wounds that have healed, can make us better people. The process of metabolizing trauma can make us stronger.

So let's do the work people. Let's figure out what works, and do more of it. Feel free to contact me, or comment below about additional ways to process trauma. We all need to do it, and the more methods, the better!

The Three E's of Trauma

Trauma is a real deal. In the field in which I work, I see its effects almost every day. But the everyday person might not understand what trauma is. Since I recently heard about the "Three E's" definition* of trauma, and found it helpful, I thought I'd share it here.

 

According to SAMHSA:

Individual trauma results from an event, series of events, or set of circumstances that is experienced by an individual as physically or emotionally harmful or life threatening and that has lasting adverse effects on the individual’s functioning and mental, physical, social, emotional, or spiritual well-being. (p. 7)

What does all this mean? 

1) It means that trauma isn't restricted to just car accidents, or sexual abuse, or natural disasters. It means that trauma can be anything, like repeated bullying, exposure to noxious chemicals, or even certain sounds that repeat over and over and are emotionally damaging. 

2) It means that we shouldn't judge ourselves or others for what we relate to as traumatic. As the SAMHSA report states, " A particular event may experienced as traumatic for one individual and not 
for another" (p. 8). Thinking an event shouldn't be traumatic doesn't mean it isn't. Our experiences in life are highly individual

3) It means we should be on the lookout for signs of trauma, like hypervigilance, or a startle response, or numbness, or avoiding, or social isolation. Trauma is a brain injury and needs attention. If you or someone you know has these symptoms, get help! Trauma responses may worsen without treatment.

Think you may have trauma? 

If you are in crisis:

• Call 911
• Go to the nearest Emergency Room
• Call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255.

Not in crisis, but still struggling? 

• Tell a trusted friend or family member what you can. 
• Consider consulting with a licensed counselor. 
• Consider treatment.

Trauma is real, and you deserve help.

*Thanks to Paige Smathers and Jenni Schaefer for their honest and in-depth discussion of trauma on the Nutrition Matters Podcast Episode 64.