Perfectionism in Marriage

Photo by Sharon Lane

Perfectionism. Rearing its ugly head again. (Or maybe it never really went away.) My husband keeps pointing out that my expectations are too high. I blame perfectionism. I blame myself. Perfectionism is part of my struggle of living.

I want to be a good wife. I want to be a godly wife. I try. Really, I do. Or maybe I don't, not hard enough. Regardless, I fall short, like way short. I get irritable. I lose my temper. I fail to keep the right groceries on hand. I miscommunicate. I misunderstand. I say mean things. I am a very fallen human being.

My husband points out that my expectations affect him, too. I don't mean them to, but they do. I get frustrated when he does not do what I expect him to do. I find myself irritated when he does not do things my way, or on my schedule. I'm not consciously forcing my perfectionist ideals on him, but they affect him nonetheless.

I have perfectionist ideas about marriage, too. We have a good marriage, I think, but I worry when we fight, when we get off. My education and career provide me with a lot of knowledge about what we should be doing, but there again, we are human, and it does not always happen. When things are hard, I can worry, and that does nothing good for either my husband or I.

I am not on the receiving end of living with a perfectionist spouse. That is my husband. I can tell you that as a struggling perfectionist, though, I benefit from a lot of grace. I benefit from gentle reminders about reality. I benefit from an understanding husband who knows that when I get bent out of shape, it is likely mostly about me, and less about him. Will I ever recover? No, probably not. At least not according to perfectionist standards. By God's grace, though, I hope I will keep growing. I hope we will keep growing, for God's honor and glory. Amen!

Everything I Read in July

This month started off strong in the fiction department, with a series I really enjoyed. I squeezed in a few informative reads, and then jumped into what I thought would be a great series, but sadly, one that sorely left me down. The good news is that there are plenty of books in the world, and more to read when one author or series is not picture perfect for me!

49) One More Last Chance by Cathleen Armstrong—Last Chance takes on a different meaning in this sweet story. Sarah Cooley, a native of Last Chance, returns to teach second grade, but with a chip on her shoulder. New-to-town Chris Reed tries to keep Dip’n Dine open, but with opposition to almost everything he tries. Then his world upends when his sister leaves with him his seven-year old niece, Olivia. Sarah takes a liking to Olivia and Chris would like her to take a liking to him, but Sarah is still hanging onto her college flame, Brandon. They both have a lot to learn about life, truth, and true love, for family, and in relationships. Good thing the Last Chance series is not over yet, because I want more of this story and town!

50) At Home in Last Chance by Cathleen Armstrong—In the third installment of the Last Chance series, Kaitlyn Reed comes home to care for her daughter. Chris Reed and Sarah Cooley get engaged and married. Kaitlyn learns what it looks like to be a good mother. Stephen Braden starts to consider what it means to settle down and make commitments. There are so many story lines, and yet Armstrong weaves them together so beautifully! This is another great book, so don’t miss the chance to read it!

51) At Home in Last Chance by Cathleen Armstrong—This book introduces two new characters to the Last Chance lot: Andy Ryan, a washed up football player come home to coach his high school time, and Jessica MacLeod, a California-trained doctor come to practice rural medicine. The town welcomes their hometown hero, but ostracizes its new one. Andy and Jess work together, and against one another as they discover what it means to live almost polar opposite lives. Kaitlyn and Stephen reunite. Elizabeth Cooley keeps mothering (and grandmothering). There is so much depth to this story, and room for more, although from what I can tell, this is the last chance to read a novel in this series, as the author has not written since 2015. It is seriously too bad!

52) The Burnout Challenge: Managing People's Relationships With Their Jobs by Christina Maslach and Michael P. Leiter—Discussion about resolving burnout often revolves around helping people rest and become more resilient. But what if burnout is more of an environmental problem than a personal or personnel problem? This is the argument the authors of The Burnout Challenge make. They argue that burnout is more due to mismatch between person and job than anything else. “Fixing” people, therefore, will not solve the problem. Solving the problem, rather, will require continuous assessment and improvement on behalf of agencies and employers. The information presented in this book is not earth-shattering, but taken together, it presents a new paradigm for addressing burnout. Employers and employees both can benefit from taking on the challenge of seeing burnout from a new vantage point.

53) Don’t Overthink It: Make Easier Decisions, Stop Second-Guessing, and Bring More Joy to Your Life by Anne Bogel—I put this book on my reading list, but forgot about it until I saw Savannah Kelly reading in on Tiny BnB. I found the book to be a refreshing blend of lived experience along with helpful tips. Bogel suggests reasons why people, especially women, overthink, and follows up with practical strategies to combat the habit, and the decision fatigue it causes. Not everything I read was new, but what was new helped, and the rest of the tips were good reminders. Each chapter ended with a, “Next Steps” section that asked questions to allow readers to reflect on what they read, too. While not overtly Christian, Bogel does make a few comments that make me think she is a believer. Overall, this was a helpful book, with no negative content, and therefore one I do not need to think twice to recommend.

54) The Next Right Thing: A Simple, Soulful Practice for Making Life Decisions by Emily P. Freeman—Decisions are a big deal, especially if a person wants to do them right. For me, there’s even more pressure, because as a believer in Christ, I want to do them right before God, and as a perfectionist, I want to make the right decisions 100% of the time. Emily P. Freeman’s words in this book are a balm. She suggests that making the right decision is not so much about the decision as it is about seeking God in it. It is not so much about the outcome, but about living out who God has made the person to be. It’s about doing the next right thing with a life laid open for God to work. This is an excellent book, simple to read, but profound in nature. I highly recommend it!

55) Picture Perfect by Janice Thompson—When I started this book, I had the picture of myself finding the perfect light, airy summer read. While the story, about photographers Hannah McDermott and Drew Kincaid contained plenty of timeless truths, the cheesiness of the story drove me notes. It took me a full two weeks to get through the book, as I could only handle so many Irish sayings and iterations of people who would not change. I managed to finish the book, but only because it was due and I did not want to renew. This is sadly not the book, or probably the author, for me.

56) The Perfectionist’s Guide to Losing Control: A Path to Peace and Power by Katherine Morgan Schafler— In this book, therapist and self-professed perfectionist Katherine Morgan Schafler presents a revolutionary approach to perfectionism. Instead of eradicating it, she suggests embracing it. Perfectionism is a character trait, she asserts, which means to get rid of it is to lose some of one's personality. Instead of trying to squash perfectionism, Schafler suggests accepting it, even celebrating it, and making it an adaptive force for good, rather than a maladaptive force for ill. Schafler's differentiation between intense, classic, Parisian, and messy perfectionist types might be a bit black and white, but even she agrees that people need not fall neatly into one category. Instead, they can use the categories to learn to embrace their strengths and adapt to their struggles. Some of the book is philosophical, leaning a bit heavy into female empowerment. The author also regularly uses language of which I do not approve. With that being said, I still learned a lot from the research, observation, therapeutic experience, and personal anecdotes shared in this book. I think I can benefit from thinking more on some of the concepts shared by leaning into perfectionism as how part of who God made me, instead of an enemy within that I am seeking to squash.

57) How to Stay Married: The Most Insane Love Story Ever Told by Harrison Scott Key—This is not your typical marriage book, especially not your typical Christian marriage book. This is a real life book about what it looks like for a marriage to fall apart, for infidelity to truly threaten the marital bond, and for two people to fight their way back. The story contains some explicit and offensive language, a lot of humility on the author’s part, some searching of scripture, and what seems like a neatly tied up bow, but that’s just the halfway point. What happens next is the realist of real, and an expose on desire, pain, forgiveness, and the power of a local church that just steps in to help instead of judging. This book won’t be for everyone. It’s real and raw and some readers won’t appreciate the tragicomedy. The insanity of it all me for, though, was a balm. It inspired hope for the institution of marriage, both my own, and the ones I see around me. Read at your own risk, but if you do, prepare for love to worm its way deeper into your heart. There is no way to read this book and come away unchanged.

58) Goliath Must Fall: Winning the Battle Against Your Giants by Louie Giglio—This is a book of great truth! While I think the author may stretch the analogy of David and Goliath a bit too far, the truth that Jesus has already defeated the enemy is so powerful, because Jesus has ALL the power in the world. Covering issues like comfort, anger, and addiction, this book is a cry to turn to Jesus for freedom, but not a call to abandon human support or worldly counsel and medicine. Instead, Giglio calls readers to seek out God and His wisdom and power. Whether actively in a struggle with a “giant” or not, this book points to the Savior of all, and for that reason, it will benefit any who read.

On Mistakes, Growing, and Moving On

I messed up. The error felt epically huge. And I didn't know what to do other than to own my mistake. But I wanted to fix it, to undo it, to not feel SO terrible about the problem I created. Brene Brown writes that, "When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying back seat driver." I am a perfectionist, a recovering one, I think, yet I keep finding my perfectionism keeps cropping up in new places. And in this situation, it was definitely present because I was definitely afraid, so much that I dreamed about consequences of my mistake for most of the night.

After the night of difficult dreams and haunting reiterations of my mistake, I woke up and read these passages from Sarah Young's Jesus Always:

"I can smooth out all the tangled up places, including those in your mind and heart."

"Be willing to take responsibility for your own mistakes and sin without feeling responsible for the sinful failures of others."

"I am here to help you untangle your complex problems and find the best way to go forward."

"Beware of getting stuck in introspection or obsessing about how to fix things. Instead keep turning to Me, seeking My face and My will."

"Wait with Me, trusting in My timing for unscrambling things and making your way clear."

"Be willing to live with unresolved problems, but don't let them be your focus."

As I read, the Holy Spirit convicted me that my perfectionism was present, even in my shame. I wanted to fix everything...perfectly. I wanted to take all the blame for the problem so that I could find a perfect fix for the issue. I wanted a perfectly pretty resolution. The Spirit clearly showed me that I am not in control. I can only own up to my part of the issue. I cannot take responsibility for the way others respond. The issue at hand might not resolve, or it might not resolve like I want it to resolve. God is in control, not me. He's the only perfect one. I have to let go, admit my imperfection, and let God clean up the rest of the mess. Easier said than done.

Perfectionism, Rejection, and Authentic Living

I waited over a year for this opportunity. I attended multiple trainings, underwent a background check, and even sat through an interview process in order to get accepted. And now, after just a few times of serving, I asked to be taken off the list. I felt so shameful in doing so.

I wrote a few months ago about the rejection of children's church service and the pain of growing. And now here I am again. I don't know if children's ministry is not for me, or if this is just not the season. But for now, after receiving a, "Yes" to service from the church, the answer to my availability is, "No."

I wanted to justify myself today when I asked to be taken off the church ministry schedule. I wanted to give a reason for my request that would make sense. But I realized that the children's minister didn't need my explanation. She needed honesty and forthrightness and that was all.

But I didn't fully understand my own decision. I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible and ashamed of myself for "resigning." God graciously brought me into the book Uninvited by Lysa Tykeurst this afternoon, however, and specifically to these sentences:

"This rejection doesn't mean I'm [whatever negative label or shame-filled feeling you are having], it makes this [opportunity] [person] [desire] a wrong fit for me right now. Instead of letting the feelings label me, I'm going to focus on God and His promises for good things." (p. 132).

All of a sudden, I had this realization that the shame I feel is a product of rejection, not the rejection of the church, but rejection that stems from perfectionism. The perfectionist side of me says that I have to be all things to all people. The perfectionist side of me asks why I can work with kids at my job five days a week and not add on a day of service at church. The perfectionist side of me condemns me for my lack of endless energy. The perfectionist side of me creates guilt and shame when I rest.

But guess what? I'm human. I'm not the Energizer Bunny. I can't be perfect, and I need to be honest about that, instead of ashamed of it. This is the real me, the me who needs to say, "No," right now. The me who needs to do less in order to focus on GOD, and what He sets before me to do. The me I need to learn to accept, instead of reject.

This is raw. This is real. This is hard. But this is authentic living.

Friday Fun (Edition 2)

As promised, here's my fun Friday post for the week....

Some thoughts on fun:

Fun almost implicitly requires some novelty. It's hard to be a professional at fun, because then you're trying too hard and the fun isn't fun anymore. There is pressure. It is better to be an amateur when it comes to fun (Downs, 2021; Mills, 2020).

“But if you hang around just waiting for it all to turn perfect, you’re going to miss out on all the fun parts. You’ll still get in on the not-fun parts, though!” (Miller, 2016)

Things I found fun this week:

Colored pen doodling during my weekly prayer time

The menu planning blog community at This Week for Dinner

Sorting and cataloging boxes of records for a family member (Discogs is the bomb!)

Following a local race on Instagram

Waffle tacos for Sunday night dinner

References:

Downs, A.F. (2021). That sounds fun: The joys of being an amateur, the power of falling in love, and why you need a hobby. Revell Publishing.

Miller, K. (2016). Big girl: How I gave up dieting and got a life. Grand Central Publishing.

Mills, E. (Host). (2020, July 20). The flaws of perfectionism. Delicious Ways to Feel Better. [Audio podcast]. https://deliciouslyella.com/podcast/the-flaws-of-perfectionism/

Amazing

Someone told me recently that I'm pretty amazing. It was a nice compliment and one I really appreciated. But I had to caveat my reply by saying it's taken me a long time to get here.

I would never wish my struggles or pain or trauma or life experiences on anyone. I should also say that I haven't experienced a lot of the pains of life that others I know have. But my experiences are my experiences and I don't believe in comparing. God allowed me to my trials and took me through them, and I am SO thankful, but they still hurt.

Those who know me well know I've struggled with perfectionism and self hatred and self destruction. Those who have walked with me for a time know how hard it's been for me to focus on pleasing God instead of pleasing others. Those who've been in my life have watched me as I've fought to be honest with myself and others about what's really going on. They've seen me scream and cry and withdraw and fight. They've seen me struggle and stumble and grow.

I am where I am because of a ton of God's marvelous grace that I didn't deserve. I'm here because God saw fit to preserve my life even when I didn't see a purpose for it. I'm here because a lot of people fought for me by going to their knees. I'm here because of a lot of people who loved me when I was very unlovable.

Yes, I've had to put in some work of my own in this life, too. I've had to be accountable and go to therapy and practice self-discipline and confront sin and ask for help. But all I've done and the person I am really aren't what I'd call amazing. God's the amazing one and He gets ALL the glory! 

Because Jesus Lives...

The angel said to the women, “Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus, who was crucified. He is not here; he has risen, just as he said. Come and see the place where he lay."

~Matthew 28:5

I have a major issue with fear. I think it's partly due to my perfectionism. But as I read this verse on Easter Sunday, I had the realization that I don't have to fear.

Because Jesus lives:

• I don't have to be afraid of men, for I fear the God of all who is over all (Matt 10:28).
• I don't have to fear the unknown, because God already knows about it (Ps 139:16).
• I don't have to fear tomorrow, because I know who holds tomorrow (Matt 6:25-34).
• I don't have to fear sin, because God has defeated it (Rom 8:3).
• I don't have to fear death, because I know I have an eternal life with God in heaven (Rom 6:23).

Fear may always be a struggle for me, but it doesn't have to have the victory. God already has the victory, because Jesus lives.

Vulnerability is a Verb.

I've been thinking lately about feeling vulnerable, about how I use feeling vulnerable as an excuse. I use it as an excuse for not getting out and being social. Being social risks too much, I tell myself. I use vulnerability as an excuse for hiding my emotions, even from myself, because the depth of my emotions scares me. I use vulnerability as an excuse for not telling people how much I care about them because I don't want to risk loving and losing. But you know what? Without vulnerability, I'm hard, stoic, and cold. I'm inhuman and inanimate.

Vulnerability requires action, either on the part of others, or myself. And since I believe I'm responsible for my own feelings, I don't think anybody can actually make me feel vulnerable. That's a choice I have to make for myself. And I don't think I can feel vulnerable as much as I can be vulnerable.

Failing to admit my hurt and pain and rawness is part of my perfectionism. And it sucks. It keeps me scared and afraid and trapped. I don't want that. I want to connect and learn and love and grow. All those things require movement, choice, decision-vulnerability.

Vulnerability is a verb, folks. It doesn't happen in a vacuum, and it doesn't happen without some pain and agony. So here's to being more vulnerable, come what may....

Everything I Read in April

I only read my Bible and Kate Bowler's Lent devotion during Lent. That makes this reading month's reading wrap-up small, but small and mighty. I am really enjoying my return to reading!

25) The Hardest Part by Kate Bowler—This was another free Lenten devotional by the prolific Kate Bowler. With a short scripture reading and reflection for each day (except Sunday), this book focuses on the hard parts of faith, with encouragements to be kind to oneself along the way. Bowler includes blessings from her books The Lives We Actually Have and Have a Beautiful, Terrible Day. I found this book helpful as I celebrated Lent, in all its hard and beautiful parts.

26) Waiting for Daybreak by Kathryn Cushman —Paige Woodward is grasping for straws to find a job as a pharmacist. When Clarissa's Richardson's grandfather offers her an excellent job with great pay, she jumps on it. She comes to learn that Clarissa does not really want her there, though. Thus begins Clarissa's vendetta against Paige, and Paige's wrestling with how to handle the situation. Enter sweet Ora Vaerge, a pharmacy patient who always has a Bible verse to share. Ora's encouragement from Psalm 46:1-2 to wait for the break of day sustains Paige, until Ora herself has a midnight moment. This book has some mystery and intrigue, a little romance, and a lot of faith integration. I enjoyed reading it!

27) Ordinary on Purpose: Surrendering Perfect and Discovering Beauty Amid the Rubble by Mikayla Albertson, MD—What I expected from this book was something different than it was. I expected a self-help, devotional type book about overcoming perfectionism from a faith perspective. What I read was a memoir detailing how early trauma led Dr. Mikayla Albertson to thinking she had to be perfect, and how her experience with a husband battling addiction tore down her life and helped her turn to God to rebuild it. While Albertson is Catholic, she writes a lot about Jesus and includes quite a bit of scripture. The latter parts of the book have a lot to do with Albertson’s role as a mother. While difficult to read at times because of the depths of abuse and despair Albertson experienced, this was a valuable treatise on learning to value life as it is, because “ordinary” life is actually a gift.

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Friends, have you read anything great lately? Please share in the comments section!

Real Life Marriage: When Your Soul is Laid Bare

Marriage is beautiful, but it can also bring out the ugly. This last half a year or so has really done that for me. It’s brought out the selfishness, bitterness, resentment, perfectionism, unworthiness, and so many things I thought I laid to rest, or at least shoved to the back of the closet of my life years ago. I don’t know if it’s been COVID or work or life or what, but they’ve all come back out with a vengeance. My husband has been oh, so patient. It’s not like I had any place to hide. I did try to hide in a closet once. No joke. It didn’t work. He found me.

There’s something to be said about being found and known in marriage. It’s not often pleasant. Most of the time, it’s painful. At the same time, though, it’s reassuring: to have someone who knows it all and stocks by you, even when you crawl into a closet.

I’ve struggled this year with how much to share with my husband. I don’t want to be the spouse Gary Chapman writes about that spills sewer everywhere. I want to love my husband well. I want to show him that I appreciate him. I want him to be happy. I want to be able to make him happy. But sometimes in spite of my love and good intent, my pain and angst and even depression all comes out.

Rebekah Lyons writes about the power of vulnerability in marriage in her book, Rhythms of Renewal. She writes about how her husband points her back to God and his grace. My husband does the same. Whenever I have meltdowns, he just holds me and tells me that he loves me anyway. He encourages me to talk breaks and practice self-care. He tells me that I am enough.

It’s hard for me to always buy into what my husband believes about me. He asks me when I will, and then tells me I just have to trust him. And despite it all, I do. And somehow I grab onto his strength and allow it to cover me even as my own soul is weak.

It’s no fun having my soul laid raw and bare, but it’s united my husband and I in ways I never dreamed possible. That’s the power of covenantal love, the power of marriage. I can’t imagine facing my demons or doing this soul work any other way. Without the power of God and the love of my husband who images God, it just wouldn’t be possible.

You Have to Fail Sometimes.

I had great plans, plans to make a fantastic breakfast, enjoy eating the fruits of my labor, and have a productive day. Well the pancakes took longer to mix than expected. The heat of the pan wasn't right. The pancakes stuck. Literally, the whole morning was a flop. I was ticked. But then I remembered, "You have to fail sometimes."

Failure is an inevitable part of life. We realize what we don't know when we fail. We then have the opportunity to practice and learn.

Failure leaves room for creativity. Some of the greatest successes in life have come from failure: penicillin, Post-it Notes, pacemakers. I don't feel like I have time to fail, and my perfectionism hates it when I do. But if I don't fail, I don't really have a reason to fail.

Failure is uncomfortable, often to the point of pain. I don't like it, but you really do have to fail sometimes. Only when you fail do you learn what really works.

 

Do's and Dont's

"What am I made to do?" This is a question I ask myself frequently. And I'll probably be asking it my entire life. "What am I made to do?" is not a bad question to ask, because it can define my purpose, vision, and values. But it can also be an overwhelming question, a scary question, and a question that can be discouraging when I don't know how to answer it.

I think the question, "What am I made to do?" is as much about what I'm not doing as it is about what I'm doing, though. There are things I'm called to do and things I'm not called to do, or things I am not called to do right now. For example, right now I am not called to be a wife, or a mom, or a home owner. I am a friend, and a daughter, and a coworker, however. And some things I do and don't aren't really about calling. They're about preferences and choices. Because I can't do everything, much as in my perfectionism, I would like to.

So right now, what are my do's and don'ts? Here's a non-exclusive list.

I do...
Cook.
Clean.
Love.
Exercise.
Stay active.
Write.
Hike.
Jog.
Run 5Ks.
Crochet.
Spend time with people I love.
(Try to) Go to bed on time.
Linger at nighttime snack.
Sing.
Be faithful to my daily devotional time.
Paint my toes.

I don't...
Stay out late.
People please.
Do heavy workouts.
Run marathons.
Follow restrictive diets.
Make all my food from scratch.
Focus on externals.
Garden.
Wear a lot of makeup.
Serve in Children's Church.
Volunteer for extra hours at work.
Do my own car maintenance.
Study or argue philosophy and theology.
Sew.

You'll notice that the items on my lists are a mixture of value neutral and value laden activities. I feel conviction about some things on the list and others are just choices. But they're choices I often have to consciously make.

What am I made to do? What are my values? My purpose and values become evident in my choices. So I want to be purposeful about them. May my choices always point to Jesus as I continue to accurately discern all that He has called me to do.

*This post was inspired by the chapter "Things I Don't Do" in Shauna Niequist's book, Bittersweet.

Marriage Misnomers: Love is Blind.

"Love is blind," the old saying goes. But is it? People warned me against blind love when I was dating, saying I wanted to see the person for who they were, faults, flaws and all before marriage. That way I'd know what I was getting into. The intoxicating effects of love could have a "rose-colored glasses" effect, people said, so "Wise up; see things clearly," they advised. I thought I did that. I saw my husband as he was. I accepted him. What I didn't see was me.

I brought plenty of my own baggage to marriage: my fears, my perfectionism, my white-knuckle grip on my routine. I expected these things to continue to plague me. What I didn't expect was how they would affect my relationship with my husband. My husband is more of a laid-back, easy-going, lighthearted person. Very little troubles him deeply. I, on the other hand, am troubled by much, and often. I knew my husband was different when we were dating. I appreciated it even. I didn't expect (or want) him to change. I didn't know, however, how hard it would be for me to have my own weaknesses exposed in marriage. I was blind to myself.

I was blind to how deeply entrenched my own negative beliefs about myself and the world were. I was blind to my selfishness and self-centeredness. I was blind to how my need to control could drive my husband and I apart. I was blind to my deep-seeded self love. I didn't realize how hard it would be to selflessly love another. I truly didn't see.

Over one year into marriage, I'm here to tell you that love is blind, but not in the way society suggests. Love and its accompanying cascade of feel good hormones, does make you blind, blind to yourself. Love makes you think your own flaws will go away. Love makes you think you can be selfless without it costing too much. Love builds you up and makes you think you have superhuman power to do anything and everything. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. True love, the kind of self-giving love that makes marriage work, is very, very hard. So hard that it requires superhuman power. 

"This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters" (1 John 3:16, New International Version [NIV]). That is not a blind love. That is an eyes-wide open, eyes fixed only Jesus kind of love. That is a self-sacrificing, self-abasing, deal with the log in your eye and not the speck in theirs kind of love. That is an all-seeing love, not a blind love, and the only kind of love that will last eternally. May God give us eyes to see.

Everything I Read in December

It was a good year of reading! I finally passed the 100 books mark for the year! I also got in some extra fiction reading over the Christmas break! I did not start reading fiction again until several months into the year, and then I really had it. I read some bad books this year, some good ones, and some really great ones. It might be recency bias, but all in all, I would say that I read some of the best books of the year this month. What a gift! Without further ado, here's my last reading list for 2024: 

97) Finally a Family by Carolyne Arsen—I really like this author! As a foster parent, she probably understands stories of love, loss, and redemption almost as well as anyone, and this is another great one. In it, now parentless Hannah Kristoferson goes to the ranch of Sam Westerveld, a man she called Father, but has not seen for years. Sam willed her half of his farm, if she would only stay on that farm for six months. Sam's nephew Ethan is none too happy about the arrangement, but can do nothing about it, rather than let Hannah on the property and contest the will if he wishes. What follows is a touching story about Hannah finding the truth out about Sam and his lack of contact, and about Ethan discovering that Hannah is anything but the city girl he thinks. The end of this story took me a bit by surprise, and caused some tears to roll down my cheeks, but it was worth it! Finally, Hannah begins to understand love, that she is not alone, and that God has been working in her life even in its most painful of times.

98) What If It’s Wonderful: An Invitation to Release Your Fears, Choose Joy & Find the Courage to Celebrate by Nicole Zaswoski—Man, I wish I had written this book, but then again, I don’t. The author went through a lot of pain to get here. A licensed marriage and family marriage therapist herself, Zasowski writes beautifully of her own struggles with joy. She writes of learning to pursue celebration as a matter of practice and spiritual discipline. She examines both obstacles to celebration, as well as reasons for it. Zasowski’s integration of faith and scripture are top notch, and this book is truly beautiful. What if it’s wonderful? This book certainly is!

99) The Bachelor Baker by Carolyne Arsen—The plot of this story lie is pretty obvious. Resistant bachelor Brian Montclair will fall for his new boss Melissa Sweeney, despite not wanting to work in her bakery. This is more to this story, though, about finding worth beyond work and security beyond success. Parts of the story are nearly tear-jerking, and though the story ends, in my opinion, a bit abruptly, there is some thought-provoking stuff still baked in there.

100) Cultivate: A Grace-Filled Guide to Growing An Intentional Life by Lara Casey—I have read a lot of books this year, but I wanted to read something intentional for book 100. This fit the bill. In the book, Casey chronicles her own struggles with busyness and perfectionism. Using anecdotes from her own life and metaphors from gardening, she explores lies that keep people from flourishing and truths from God that can set people free to flourish. Each chapter contains thought provoking questions, as well as a section entitled “Grace from the Garden.” Although I am not a gardener, this book resonated in my weary lifestyle and made me want to be more intentional about the way I live. Jury is out on just how to do that, but for now, the reminder that God’s grace is always all-sufficient, is good grounds from which to start.

101) Heart of the Family by Margaret Daley—Man, this was a good book! More about forgiveness than anything, it follows the path of Pediatrician Jacob Hartman, a man who cannot forgive himself for a past mistake and social worker Hannah Smith who cannot forgive the person who killed her brother. The end of the story brings in Hannah's mother as another player in the saga. This book addresses hard things like abuse, foster care, substance use, and more, all with a redemptive arc. Isn't that the heart of the family? Jesus came to earth as a baby in a family to redeem and save so that he can adopt us into his larger family. What a gift, and what a blessing to read a story that points to that gift!

102) Differently Wired: A Parent's Guide to Raising an Atypical Child with Confidence and Hope by Deborah Reber—This book is not quite what I expected. More parent regulation than parenting tips, it combines Reber's own story of raising her exceptional son with tidbits and pieces of advice from both experts and other parents. The bulk of the book is 18 tilts, that is, different ways to operate when having a differently wired child. I think this book is helpful, even if not what I expected, and maybe that is the tilt. Differently wired children and people are not what is expected, but are exceedingly valuable and beneficial to society.

103) Holiday Homecoming by Jillian Hart—Kristin McKaslin grieves the early death of her sister Allison, while Dr. Ryan Sanders grieves the death of his father. Both struggle to let go. Both try intermittently, and most of the time, at opposite times, to comfort one another. The steel cages around their hearts prevent them from doing so, however, even though they continue to meet time and time again in their Montana hometown. This is a sweet book, filled with grief and sorrow, but filled with hope as well. I only wish that the end had lasted a little longer. It seemed a bit abrupt for a book about homecoming. Maybe that is the way it is supposed to be, though, because in the end, this life on earth will be but an abrupt period to eternity with Jesus who redeems and makes all things new.

104) The Most Beautiful Thing I’d Seen: Opening Your Eyes to Wonder by Lisa Gungor—Lisa Gungor grew up in a Christian home, but one that had its fair share of dysfunction as well. This book chronicles her upbringing, her marriage to Michael Gungor and some of their musical career, their foray into atheism, and her return to spirituality. Gungor has some pertinent points to make. She writes creatively and poignantly about learning to look for and see beauty in the world. Her writing of God as “Divine Mother” and late chapter about sexual abuse did not sit well with me, however. I respect Gungor’s vulnerability in sharing her story as it is, but for me, it overshadowed the beauty of the story. Therefore this book gets a, “Pass” recommendation from me.

105) All That Really Matters by Nicole Deese—This book took me a bit to get into. Social media influencer Molly McKenzie is just so cliché and the book reads a bit slapstick. But then the book gets serious, with Molly getting involved as a mentor with foster kids at The Bridge program. There are tear-jerking moments and plenty of quotes worth writing down. There is drama and suspense and romance, a really well fleshed out story. Things do work out in the end, mostly, but man, there is a lot to say about what really matters in this book. With nods to Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI) and trauma work, I would say that the author has done her research. Needless to say, I already checked out the second book in the series, because if I could end up getting so much from this one, what more can I get from the next one? This is not just fiction, but ministry!

106) All That It Takes by Nicole Deese—Nicole Deese's storytelling abilities shine in this sequel to All That Really Matters. Molly's longtime assistant Val Locklier is the star of the story, but the supporting characters are strong as well. Told once again from two viewpoints, this story packs a punch in terms of determination, perseverance, and redemption. It's not just Val's story that gets redemption, but also the story of Molly's brother Miles McKenzie, and Carlee, a woman Val meets. Complete with twists and turns and life lessons that make readers ponder, this is a 9/10 on my book scale, and few pieces of literature have what it takes to get that!

107) My Stubborn Heart by Becky Wade—Hockey player Matt Jarreau quit his life after his wife Beth died of a brain tumor. He quit hockey, quit laughing, quit living. All he did was work on house restorations, something that gave him some purpose, but no life. Kate Donovan is a tired social worker in Redbud to help her grandmother renovate their family's old home at Chapel Bluff. When Kate feels led by God to reach out to Matt, she does, but at great costs to herself and to him. Will she choose to obey God, or let her stubborn heart and its wants take over? And what about Matt? Will he return to the Lord, or continue to push him away? This is a serious book, to the point of bringing on tears, one that can lead to a lot of personal thought and intuition. There are some mature concepts, so this is definitely a romance for adults, not for youth, but its meaningful, and oh, so worth reading! Be prepared for some comedic relief along the way, too, as Kate's grandmother Beverly and her cohort of elderly friends are seriously quite the hoot. Becky Wade's skillful weaving together of so many elements certainly leaves me ready to read more of her stories!

108) From the Start by Melissa Tagg—Colton Greene is a washed up foster kid who became a successful pro football player, but then bombed that, too. Kate Walker once won an Emmy for screenwriting, but that was years ago, and she hasn’t sold anything recently. Colton and Kate meet at Kate’s Maple Valley family home. Colton is there because he needs to get out of the public eye and is friends with Kate’s brother. Kate is worried about her father. It seems serendipitous that Colton needs a writer for his memoir, and he and Kate team up to get it done. From the start, they have chemistry, but they also have a lot of pain. They both have to realize what it means to submit their dreams to God and let Him be their starts. This is an engaging, moving drama, perhaps made more realistic because of the author’s dual role as a leader for a homeless ministry and an author (as well as her experience reporting and news writing). For readers seeking Christian romance with substance, From The Start is a great place to start!

109) Truth for Life by Alistair Begg—This was our 2024 devotional. With a verse of the day, and some commentary on the topic, as well as with additional daily reading, this was somewhat of a cross between theological and practical devotionals. I wish the devotionals had more of a common thread (connections between each one), but overall, this was a good read, and one I could see us repeating another year.

110) The Bible—It was another read through the Bible in a year for me. This year, my husband challenged me to change the way I read the Bible, so I went with the through the Bible in a year plan from our daily devotional. This plan included an Old Testament reading, a New Testament reading, and a short passage that went along with the devotional reading. Alistair Begg, the devotional author, included several questions to ask during each day's Bible reading. I quickly realized there were too many questions, and focused on what each passage told me about God. Learning about God is good, and certainly a purpose of reading the Bible, but for me, I felt like it kept me from looking at the larger scope of each passage. Also, the reading plan skipped around between books of the Bible with no rhyme or reason that I could ascertain. This confused and frustrated me. The Bible is good, and I want to love to read it, so needless to say, I am going to try a new plan for next year. This year's plan just was not for me!

Pride

I recently posted this photo of a 5K medal I received on Instagram. I almost didn't. I didn't want to boast. I didn't want to seem arrogant or proud or stuck-up. I was just thankful, and happy, and I guess proud of myself for what my body accomplished, but not in an, "I'm better than you" way.

(This is the medal I received in the mail from September's Patriot Run.)

I consulted with my mom before posting, and she said she thought it was okay. I put a lot of stock in what Mom says, so I posted. But I mulled over the issue of pride all night.

When is it appropriate to be proud? When is pride a sin? The Bible doesn't seem clear, calling pride a sin in some situations, but then using it to describe belief and self-confidence in other situations. Take a look at the verses below:

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Proverbs 11:2 
When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom.

Proverbs 16:18
Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.

Romans 12:16
Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

2 Corinthians 7:4 
I have spoken to you with great frankness; I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds.

Galatians 6:4 
Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else.

Is pride just bad when it preoccupies a person? When it begins to put self above others and God? When is it okay to be proud? Billy Graham's website says, "the kind of pride the Bible condemns is a pride that puts ourselves first, and leaves God out of the picture." Maybe that's why I tagged my Instagram post #thankful.

I struggle with extremes, as noted in my many posts about perfectionism. I think this is another area of it. I want to be a perfect Christian, to not come near sin. But in the process, I often demean myself. I don't give God gratitude for things He allows me to accomplish, like winning a medal in this 5K. And when I obsess about trying to be a perfect Christian by avoiding any possibility of sin, I feed into the lie that I can be good enough to earn my salvation. That says Christ's sinless sacrifice wasn't good enough to cover my sin. I don't even want to go there.

Where am I settling on pride? I am settling on the idea that it is okay to be proud of accomplishments, to give God glory for the ability to get things done on this earth. It's wrong to be proud and stuff things in the faces of others, to demean God's created beings by pretending I'm better than them. But it's also wrong, and prideful, to not share God's goodness, to hide His gifts and pretend like that makes me holy. It doesn't. It makes me stingy and ungrateful and lacking in confidence to do what God wants me to do.

So friends, where are you? What has God allowed you to accomplish? Celebrate it. Talk about it. But just don't forget to remember the God that got you there.

Arizona: Year Two

I've made it two years, y'all. I've gotten a few funny looks lately when I've expressed my excitement about the anniversary of my move to Arizona, and that's okay. They don't get it. These past two years have wrecked me, in good ways, but in hard ways.

Work: If you had told me in grad school that I'd spending close to fifty hours a week helping kids, I would have said you were crazy. I fought against my elementary school internship placement. I asked the community clinic to only give me teenagers and adults. I didn't take the play therapy training classes offered to me. And now I have a birth to five year-old case load. You'll find me outside throwing a football more than you'll find me in an office. I'm now taking play therapy and sand tray classes. And I'm growing to love what I do. Go figure.

Church: I came home to Arizona partly because my family belonged to a strong church. And it's fallen apart. The brokenness of the people that make up the church has become apparent and though we are pursuing healing, it is messy. We are currently without a pastor and our body has decreased to about a third of the size. But we're still together and the Word is being preached. Thanks be to God.

Family: I planned to live with my parents only long enough to set up my own independent life, but here I am two years later still living at home. It's been hard, but good. I have found a lot of healing in relating to my parents as adults. I've been forced to let some of my perfectionism go and recognize that relationship matters more than having a perfect house or an ideal life. If God ever sees fit for me to get married and have a family of my own, this has been good training.

Worship team: I sang in choir growing up and never thought I'd sing on stage. But I've found community in worship team and you'll find me on the platform a few times a month singing, but for God's glory and not my own.

Car: I thought I knew what I wanted and fought against Dad's suggestions. But I drove the car I liked and it wasn't what I thought. Now I'm back to Dad's suggestions. In fact, I am supposed to get that new car Dad suggested today. My dad is a smart man.

Community: I've expected community to come to me, but I'm learning that I've got to go to it. Relationships aren't one sided. I've met a lot of cool people here, but it takes a lot of intentional effort to connect. Connecting means being honest and vulnerable and belonging to myself above all else. It's hard work.

Health: My health struggles have reminded me that I am human and not invincible. Though I am thankful that my conditions are not fatal, they are frustrating. Dystonia is yet another way that God is sanding off my rough edges. I didn't choose it, but God has allowed it into my life for some reason.

I still have goals in life, but I'm trying to hold them loosely. As God takes what I have known and breaks it all apart, He reveals His bigger and grander and more beautiful plan. And You, my God are greater still.

I'm Tired of the Have-To's.

Consumerism thrives off telling people they need things, or have to do things. I try not to give in to believing I have to buy things. I try to buy only things I need or want. Lately, though I find myself falling prey to a different form of consumerism: the have-to's.

I have somewhat of an obsessive tendency to my personality (not surprising, given my bent towards perfectionism). Lately, I've been noticing how much that manifests in the have-to's. I feel like I "have-to" scroll my Instagram feed until I see the check mark showing that I have read all the posts. I feel like I have to complete the DuoLingo challenges each month. I feel like I should keep up with cooking challenges. I once started. Why? Continuing these things is not filling my life with purpose or joy. It is just keeping me busy, tired, stretched, and stressed. 

I know the New Year is coming, and with it plenty of "challenges." I have already gotten e-mails about the Yoga with Adriene challenge. I know Nourish Move Love will offer a new year challenge. I have enjoyed both of these in the past, but do I really want to do them this year? Will they add to my life, or subtract? Will they help me live in the present, or just rush and stress me? Honestly, I am not sure, but I want to consider before committing. I'm tired of the have-tos.

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What about you, friends? Any have-to's you've succumbed to? What are your priorities for the new year? What have-to's might you set aside to truly be present? Please share in the comments section.