Identity Change

If I am honest, I have always held some criticism of women who only wanted to be wives and mothers. My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, but she was also a skilled nurse before answering the calling to motherhood. I went to college wanting a family, but set on the idea that I was not there to get an Mrs. degree, but a degree so that I could work and make a difference in the world. And get that degree I did, plus another one, all before I got married, and really before I had decided that I wouldn't get married.

Around age 30, I had pretty much settled on being a career woman, caring for myself and the families of others, instead of having a family of my own. Then my husband came along. After we started dating and got engaged, I still planned to be a career woman. I didn't see work changing that much. But slowly, subtly, it did, maybe not the actual work or my desire to do it, but my focus and my priorities. Suddenly, my husband became my first priority, with work and everything related to it paling in comparison. I felt it was my duty to be home to clean and do the laundry. I wanted to arrive home in time to decompress and make dinner and be present before he came home from work. I wanted to be less harried and more focused.

My job and my career haven't changed. I still work full-time, and am gone more than 40 hours a week due to my commute. But my perspective has changed. My perspective on my job is that I work to have an income, pay bills, and provide for what my job needs to provide for. My goal is to go to work, do a good job, and come home, hopefully with a little left to give. I haven't been great at this, but I am working on it. I still care about people. I still desire to help and serve others and their families, but my primary focus is helping and serving my husband. He is my one and only.

My shift in priorities requires more boundaries and less flexibility when it comes to work. It requires me to continue to surrender my vision of a career path and let my husband and God lead the way. It requires me to find my identity in Christ and in who I am coupled with my husband  (since Scripture says that married people are one flesh). God led me to my career. God led me to marriage. I'm not sure exactly where the two callings converge, but I do know they've resulted in, and are continuing to cause an identity change. May I walk in that change. May I watch. May I wait. May I be faithful as I continue to become who God is shaping me to be.

Put in the Minimum. Get the Maximum.

My unwritten personal policy used to be, "Go hard. Go long." "Push until you can't push anymore." "Do the most until most (or all) of your energy is spent." "Keep going until you can't." I've changed my mind. I can't keep going and going and going anymore. I can't push so hard. I no longer give until I've got nothing left. I try to put in my best, and leave the rest. My new motto is, "Put in the minimum to get the maximum."

My job is people related. I spend hours a day coaching and counseling and encouraging. I used to try to make every minute of every hour count. I didn't give myself breaks. No more. Now I try to capitalize on the moments rather than on the hours. I take breaks so that I can recharge and have something to keep giving. Sometimes that means letting a few minutes (or hours) go.

Marriage has had a lot to do with my change of heart. If I give all I have at work, I have nothing to give at home. I want to fulfill my responsibilities at my job, but I also have an obligation to my husband. That means no more overtime if I can help it. No bringing work home wherever possible. Yes, sometimes things get left for the next day, but better there than in my marriage. My marriage needs my maximum.

My new motto extends further. Cleaning? What can I do to make the house the most clean in the least time? Exercise? What will make me feel best and be the best for my body with the least toll? Gifts? What can I give that will mean something, even if the gift is small? I could go on. The principle can be applied in every arena of my life, and possibly in yours?

Some things require long term effort, endurance, and patience. I'm not saying, "Don't persevere." I trying to say for myself, and for others like me that maybe we don't have to push ourselves so hard. Maybe the maximum we've been giving is minimizing our long term effectiveness. Maybe the minimum should be our maximum, if we're giving our maximum during that minimum time. Maybe we should do less and that will be our more. We want our lives to have maximum effect for the kingdom of God, and though counterintuitive at times, often this means giving our best...to less.

What it Means to Wait

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I've endured many seasons of waiting in life, and now I feel that I am in another one: hoping and waiting and wishing for a less stressful, less busy, calmer, easier corona virus free life. I am blessed to be stressed, blessed to be stretched, blessed to have a way to keep working in all this, but I've been so tired.

A friend and I were discussing our careers the other day, about our desires to get to a place where this ministry of helping others to somehow become easier, more sustainable. But then I read in Psalm 38 about waiting. The Spirit impressed upon me that sometimes we wait because the next thing is not here yet, or because we are not ready for it. We long for the future, but yet God calls us to live right now. And then the commentary I listened to on Psalm 40 talked about waiting on God meaning also waiting on God's timing. That convicted me.

If I believe in God's sovereignty, if I believe that God is who He says He is in the Bible, I must wait. I must trust in God's timing. I must be faithful in this season, even if I long for a different one. God is teaching me. God is growing me. May I not forsake the cultivating of life here, even as I long for another one. And may I ultimately long for heaven where I will see Jesus face to face.

Hopelessness and Hope

“Hopelessness is the doorway to hope.” I’ve read that quote from Paul David Tripp twice in the past 24 hours. At face value, it seems rather harsh. Who wants to promote hopelessness as a way to hope? And yet the quote really resonates with me, both on personal and a professional level.

There was a time in my life when I was very hopeless and literally had no aspirations for the future. I remember doing an art therapy project (remember my post about going to therapy?) where I drew my feelings on a continuum and shaded it. I had literally no hope and all of life seemed blase and lacking in meaning. But that hopelessness was what led my parents to seek help for me, bringing both professionals and lay people into my life to restore my health and hope. It was one of the darkest seasons of my life, but going through that hopelessness helped make me who I am today.

On a professional level, I often wonder if I am making any difference. It’s not my job to tell people what to do, or even to demand that they find hope, but to sit with them at their darkest and support them if and when they want to crawl towards the light. It’s a high and hard calling, and walking in it often hurts. But if hope is the doorway to hopelessness, than maybe what I’m doing does matter. I’m being given the privilege to sit with people at their lowest, but when at their lowest, they are at the cusp of finding hope. How amazing is that?

I don’t really have a conclusion to this post, but maybe rather an encouragement to those reading. If you’re feeling hopeless, maybe you’re almost to hope. (If you are feeling suicidal at all, please reach out for help to the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255.) You’re realizing all the things that don’t work and being able to recognize and reach for what really matters. Ultimately, I pray that you find Jesus and salvation in Him, because He is the only way to freedom from hopelessness and eternal hope forever.

The Power of the "&"

I am a counselor. But I am a young one, and an inexperienced one at that. And that's why I appreciate supervision, and supervisors, the older, wiser women who watch what I do and point out how I can do it better. Lately, my supervisors have pointed out how often I use the word, "But."

"Yes, but."
"But have you thought of."
"But you're making progress.":

"But is a dismissive word," they say. And as I've listened, I've realized they're right. But leaves room for only one option. And many, many things in life co-exist. Like joy and grief, like happiness and sorrow, like hard and good. The more and more I think about it, the more I realize the power of the "and."

My own life presently is full of ands. The goodness of marriage and the pain of its growth. The fulfillment of my work and the sorrow it brings. The excitement of what's ahead and the sadness of what I will leave. The pleasantness of friends and the way they call me out on my weaknesses and failings. The gracious salvation of Jesus and the conviction of the Holy Spirit. The joy of this present world, and yet intense longing for the one to come.

There's power in the and, friends. There is power in letting seeming opposites co-exist. Difficulty comes with the "but," because it leaves no space for all the complexities that are life.

So here's to the "&", and using it more, in work, life, and beyond!

I've Been In Your Chair.

I've been in your chair. I've been in that place of darkness and depth and desperation (and sometimes I still find myself there). I've needed insight and help and encouragement and guidance and motivation. And people were there for me.

I've had several kids ask me why I do what I do over the past few years. Quite simply, I've been there. I went through a long period of darkness in my early teen years, and even into college and my early adulthood. (And I'm not saying I don't have dark days now. I do.) But I was in a period of life where I was incredibly self destructive, where I didn't believe anyone loved me, where all I saw was darkness, and I needed help. I needed professional help.

I went to a variety of professionals (both physical and mental practitioners) during that time. Some were helpful. Some were not. But the helpful ones, the counselors who propelled me towards the Lord and towards freedom were the ones that gave me information that made a difference. They were the ones who walked with me through hard times, who didn't tell me it was going to be okay, but who held hope for me that one day my life would be better. And praise the Lord, it is. Some of those people know where I am today. Some don't. But those who knew me then and know me now can testify that I am a different person.

As a counselor, I'm not saying I'm beyond counseling. I've been back to counseling several times since my intensive days, and I'm not against going again. As a Christian, I'm not saying that prayer and accountability and lay person encouragement don't make a difference, either. They do. But sometimes you just need professional help. You need an outside observer, an impartial party, someone you can yell at, and be angry at, and not have to be in an everyday relationship with. Someone who will help you process the hard things. Someone who can give you insight and perspective and guidance. Some days, I'm honored to be in that chair.

I've been in your chair. That's how I got to my chair. By God's grace, I'm a counselor. And if I'm your counselor, I'm honored to hold hope for you, because others once held hope for me. And by the Holy Spirit's power, I'll keep holding hope for you, and for a better world until Christ returns and makes all things new.

Metabolizing Trauma

My clinical supervisor and I had a discussion recently about trauma exposure and how it can decrease creativity. All that bad stuff we encounter? It just sits around and lingers if we don't process it. Often times, the bad in life (or in the world around us) is so bad that we just want to forget it, or let it go, or not acknowledge it. But we have to process it and let its after affects be part of us, or it can rule and wreck us.

So how do we metabolize trauma? I don't fully know. But I know it's necessary to have a vibrant and thriving life, especially with the work I do. So here's a starter list of ways I know I can work through trauma:

• Hiking
• Walking
• Yoga
• Movement in general (because it integrates both sides of the brain)
• Talking
• Drawing
• Writing (part of why I have this blog)
• Cooking
• Sleeping (but only if I do the work of processing afterward)

And I'm going to argue that processing often takes several of these methods, several times. And sometimes processing has to happen over the course of time. Because trauma has a way of re-emerging.

And processing takes action, deliberate action, and deliberate choice. But if I don't process, I'm in trouble. My relationships are in trouble. My work is in trouble. Because unmetabolized trauma causes toxic build up. And toxic build up is deadly.

On the other hand, metabolized by-products can be beneficial. The residual effects of trauma, the scars and wounds that have healed, can make us better people. The process of metabolizing trauma can make us stronger.

So let's do the work people. Let's figure out what works, and do more of it. Feel free to contact me, or comment below about additional ways to process trauma. We all need to do it, and the more methods, the better!

We're Always Getting There.

Three years ago. Three years ago today, I took this picture of this important piece of paper lying on the worn dashmat of my 1998 Saturn. After five years of graduate school and months and months of study, I had finally passed the National Counseling Exam. It was something I never thought I could do, or at least doubted I could do without God's strength and guidance and wisdom. And I'd done it. Praise Him!

I thought that passing that counseling exam would lead me to my preferred profession. But in reality, I'd already taken another job, and it wasn't counseling. I worked at that job for a year, and then went back to my core desire to help others and took a job in behavioral health. I thought that job would be something different than it was, or is, because I'm still at that job. And I like my job. I'm thankful for my job. But it definitely isn't the one I expected to have when I walked across the stage with my graduate degree in marriage and family therapy in 2015.

Life isn't what we think it is. Somehow, we think we'll someday arrive, but we don't. We don't ever quite find our perfect job. We don't ever quite reach our financial goals. We don't ever quite figure out who or what or where we want to be when we "grow up." My husband and I were just having that conversation with teens at our church, and we're both in our thirties.

No. We never quite arrive. We're always getting there. But I think that's God's way of reminding us that He's in control, that He's God, that we always need to be humble and willing to grow. Because growth is part of the journey, and in this life, the journey isn't over until we see Jesus. As believers in Christ, we should always be working toward getting there.

Three.

Three years. I've made it three years, y'all. Three years of readjustment and learning and growing and more fully discovering who God made me to be. (Read my year two recap here.)

If you'd told me last year that I'd be celebrating July 4th and my Arizona anniversary as a married woman, I would have told you you were crazy. My husband and I had just started talking at this time last year, and I was so uncertain and...scared. And here we are a year later. And I've now got a lot go a lot more learning and growing to do as a wife.

Shortly before I moved to Arizona, my then boss quoted 2 Corinthians 5:7 to me, "For we live by faith, not by sight." I believed that truth then, as I said I was jumping off a cliff moving to Arizona with only my family and my church to fall back on: no real friends, no real community, no house. I moved back and in a year, the house I wanted to buy fell through. I changed jobs. Our church went through a season of struggle. And then last year, I got so desperate for community that I started facing my fears and reaching out. And God brought me my husband, who quite frankly wasn't who I was looking for, but a blessing nonetheless.

Over the past year, I've worked more than ever, hopefully grown in my profession, and learned more about living and stressing less. (But I have a long way to go. Ask my husband!)

God brought me back to Arizona for a reason, for many reasons, I believe, and I probably don't know all of them. But for now, I'll praise him for these that He's allowed me to see:

1) To help those struggling.
2) To reconnect and redeem some family relationships.
3) To help me face my fears and become more myself.
4) To grow.
5) To get married.

God is good. Life can be hard and life is full of change. But God is good.

Thirty-One (And a Whole Ton of Change)

If you would have told me on May 10th of last year that I'd be getting married in 13 months, I would have told you that I thought you were crazy. Well, here I am at 31, with only, Lord willing, 35 days left as a single person.

A lot can change in a year. Last year, I thought I would be single forever. I thought I would focus on my job and just enjoy life. In fact, those were my birthday goals:

So how did I do?

1) I am almost two years into my job. I am learning. I am figuring out who God made me to be as a therapist. I'm passionate about my work. I have some ideas of things I would like to learn, trainings I would like to attend, and certifications I would like to earn, but still really no idea of what the future holds as far as my counseling. God knows, though.

2) I'm working on stress management. I probably always will be. But God is helping me day by day, and I see growth in areas like my handling of the on-call phone at work and not jumping on the panic wagon when others do. I've hiked more, and done yoga for less minutes, but tried to be more diligent about prioritizing both. (For me, that looks like spending more time hiking outside, and engaging in shorter yoga sessions inside, but practicing once a week, if possible.) And some stress management, like crocheting, has pretty much gone to the wayside due to health issues and lack of time. It's okay. Life changes.

3) I'd say I've lived this year. I started being more social last year because I was desperate. And God used that desperation to make me face my fears of hanging out with and getting to know Chris more. God knows what he's doing. I've had to prioritize and re-organize life and relationships again now that we're engaged and planning a wedding, but it's good. God is good. And I'm working on enjoying and celebrating God's goodness everyday.

My top three memories were:

1) My Bahamas Cruise: It's been on my bucket list for awhile to go to the Bahamas, and having a friend reunion while doing so made it even better!

2) Butterfly Run: Having my best friend and Chris there (yes, he was there, but I didn't post pictures because we weren't officially dating at the time) made it super fun. And I got my best time yet!

3) Getting engaged: Kind of unexpected based on where I was last year this time, but kind of timely based on where Chris and I were in our relationship. I'm glad he asked when he did.

Goals for 31:

1) Learn to be a wife (because I've never been one before!)

2) Celebrate life. I've been working on this, but want to do it more, because God is always good, even in the hard. I have a feeling that part of this will be finding a better work/life balance. I like my job and feel called to it, but man, it's hard! To celebrate life, I somehow have to live out the hard at work and not let it cloud my everyday. I'm not there yet.

3) Find a new routine. (I'd say "normal," but philosophically, I don't believe that normal exists.) This kind of goes with number one, but finding and fulfilling a new role in life is different than finding a new structure. I've been on my own for most of my adult life and now it's time to merge my life and find out what life looks like for us. (And I want that routine to include celebration! See point number two.)

So here's to another year of life and whatever God has for me in it. To Him be the glory!

Look Where You're Going

"Walk on," you say to the horse and give it a little squeeze with your heels. You think the horse should move, but it doesn't. And then your instructor says, "Look where you're going, and the horse will follow." You unglue your eyes from the saddle horn and squeeze again. "Walk on," you say, and the horse starts moving in a forward direction.

Where the eyes go, the life follows. That's a lesson I've learned time and time again, both in my years working with horses, and in my life in general. And lately, the Holy Spirit just keeps driving that message home. You've probably noticed the theme of perspective in some of my recent posts:

Instead of looking for dysfunction, God is teaching me to look for health, because in so doing, I celebrate life and find more joy.

Instead of getting down on myself, I am learning to treat myself as a child of God, so that I can give love to others.

And there's more:

There was the sermon at church about how we need to focus not so much on the fact that we sin, but on what we do when we sin, because it's our response that drives our forward motion. "Put all your effort into living for the glory of God," the pastor said, "and it will be harder to do the things you do not want to do."

I'm reading a book about marriage by John Piper who says we need to focus less on the benefits of marriage and more on the God who created marriage and holds it together. Otherwise, marriage can become an idol, and when that happens, marriage can fail.

Another book reminded me to focus on strengths, rather than weaknesses in relationships, because gratitude and appreciation is what makes relationships thrive.

In my work with kids, I've found that helping them focus on their good decisions promotes positive identity development, helps them make more good decisions.

Hebrews 12:1-2 says, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God" (New International Version, NIV).

Eyes on the prize. Look where you're going. Don't ignore the bad, or the pain, or the sorrow, or the poor choices, but look in the direction you want to go. Seek out the good. Your life follows your focus.

"Good Enough" and the Golden Rule

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I always took this verse to mean that I needed to serve others more than myself. In my younger days, I would sometimes take it to an extreme of being a martyr or an ascetic. I sometimes thought I should be less feeling and more of a doormat for people.

As I've grown in my faith and in my work as a counselor, however, I've realized that the way I feel about myself affects how I treat others. When I feel less than, not good enough, or down, I am less likely to see the needs of others. I feel less love in my heart. I am more irritable and easily angered. I am susceptible to anxiety. I perceive the actions of others toward me as more negative. I tend to be unforgiving and bitter.

Conversely, when I know who I am in Christ, when I accept my identity as a beloved child of God for whom Christ died, I have more love in my heart for others. I forgive more easily. I am happier and more able to spread joy. I can serve better.

I'm not promoting self-aggrandizing pride or narcissism or egoism, but I am challenging myself to consider where I'm at when I don't like how I'm interacting with others. Often, I need to examine my heart to see what's internally wrong and resulting in externally wrong actions. I need to ask Christ to ground my heart and cleanse me of my sin. I need to ask for Holy Spirit power to forgive myself. I need to feel God's love so I can give it to others.

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." 

For me, that means treating myself with the care that Christ does, so that I can then go out into the world and treat others as close to how Christ would treat them as I can. I'm a perfectionist, but certainly not perfect, after all. This is why the way I treat myself needs to be grounded in my God-given identity, not in how "good enough" I feel on any given day.

God-Things and Dreams

The short version: Chris asked me to marry him. I said, "Yes."

The long version: 

God-Things and Dreams

My sweet Nana went to be with Jesus May 17, 2015. When she went, she willed her heirloom diamond to me. I was kind of mad about it at the time. I had just turned 27 and saw no hopes of every getting married. I even angrily told my parents to give the ring to my cousin, but they didn't. They kept it because they believe in God-things.

Fast forward to June 10, 2018 and my dear friend's wedding. For the first time probably ever, I came away from a wedding with the simultaneously sinking, yet buoyant feeling that marriage would be good for me. It might even out some of my idiosyncracies, provide support, grant companionship, and ultimately make me into more of who God wanted me to be. I didn't exactly have prospects or even a promise, but I somehow felt that I was next. That feeling wasn't because the bridal bouquet fell at my feet (which it did, because my friend and I, the last single ones in our college friend group, refused to catch it) or because I was technically "next" on the getting married list which we made in probably 2009 or 2010 (which I was). I just had a feeling.

My friend group is super faithful to pray for one another, so before we packed up and left the wedding, we stood in a circle and prayed. I asked my friends to pray community for me, something I felt desperately lacking in my new state of Arizona. Little did I know what God would do.

I came home that weekend to only having my parents for a few days. I knew they had to leave at the end of the week and that felt lonely to me. But I prayerfully approached the week and knew somehow I'd made it through. God has gotten me through before, and I knew he would again.

That week, I got an e-mail about a College and Career group event in downtown Prescott. It sounded fun and I had been trying to get more involved with the group, so I decided to go. And since I was the one of the oldest ones at our church and wanted to find more community, I e-mailed Chris. I thought he was an interesting person, but I honestly wasn't trying to make the first move. He just happened to be the only person my age I had contact information for and I felt very strongly that I should talk to him about going, so I did.

I had a lot of fun that night. I didn't realize until afterward that Chris and I were the only ones our age there, and that I was the only unmarried girl there. Whoops! Chris walked me to my car afterward (because I was parked far away in the dark, and that's the kind of guy he is). We stood on the sidewalk and talked for what seemed like forever, and then I left and went home to my empty house.

Chris and I hung out a lot that summer, and last fall, we started dating. There are a lot of God-details in that story, but I'll leave them out for now.

God Thing #1 (that I can bear witness to, because I see God's fingerprints all over this)

March 4, 2019: I told Chris that I was talking time off work March 11th. He'd already told me he wanted to do something together after church March 10th, but that wasn't the reason for my vacation request. I just needed time off. God knew, and he was preparing the way.

God Thing #2 

March 7, 2019: I was at the mall for work. Chris was in the jeweler's at the mall looking at rings. I was headed right for the jeweler's, but he saw me and quickly hid. I never saw him there. I actually didn't seem him until he was walking out. I wondered what he was up to, but was too busy to give it much thought.

God Thing #3

More March 7, 2019: Chris saw my car at my work and asked to go over and talk to my parents, assuming I'd be gone. Good thing I worked late that day! I'd actually seen his car at church next door and planned to go talk to him, but when I didn't see him, I went to the grocery store instead, something I don't usually do. That gave Chris more margin.

Chris asked my parents' permission to marry me, and when they gave it, he asked what kind of ring my mom thought I'd want. Mom gave him Nana's ring. Chris was surprised, because he didn't know it existed. (I mean, what kind of girl tells her boyfriend, "Hey, if you ever think of marrying me, I've already got a ring!" And we very specifically had set a dating boundary that we weren't talking about us getting married until that was the plan. So we'd talked about God and the meaning of marriage and our values and lots of other important things, but not about us getting married.) 

God Thing #4, a bunch of God-things wrapped up in one

March 10, 2019, The Proposal: The day dawned bright and clear, nicer than it's been in awhile, especially after our 27 inches of snow near the end of February. It got colder and windier as the day went on, but it was still decent weather wise.

Chris took me to hike Trail 28 on Mingus Mountain, the trail we hiked the day we decided to start dating. We hiked up the trail instead of down and back up, like we did the first time. Chris told me at the top that he thought he'd pushed a little too hard. I told him that he should have told me to stop. He said he was fine. I shrugged, not fully believing him, but not knowing what else to do. We rested a few minutes and headed back down. He'd told me he wanted to stop at the rock outcropping where we stopped the first time. We did. We took a few pictures and when he sat down on the rock outcropping, I went and joined him.

"So, I'm kind of glad we got to hike this trail again, like we did that first day. And I'm glad we had that conversation afterward." He said.

I laughed. "Yeah, I'm glad we had that conversation, too, or we wouldn't be here."

I could tell he was getting sentimental, but I didn't know what to do, so I just stared across the valley at the scenery.

"So I don't know how to do this, because I've never done it before," he said, "But will you marry me?" As he asked the question, he pulled out a box from his pocket and opened it to show me a ring. 

I'd kind of wondered if he might propose that day, but I didn't want to be presumptuous. I'd prayed to just enjoy the day (because it was a dating anniversary for us) and see what happened. I'd prayed and planned my response, too, however, because that's the kind of person I am.

"It would be a privilege to marry you," I said. "So yes."

I picked up the ring and looked at it. I was pretty sure it was Nana's, but needed to see. Chris told me that we could go to the jeweler Monday to get it "fixed" or reset. Good thing I had Monday off!

We talked, took more pictures, and then headed back down the trail. Good thing we were headed down, because that meant we could talk while we walked. We decided at the car to go to Wal-Mart and get rubber rings to wear while we waited for my ring to get remade. Chris asked if he could wear a ring, too. I said, "Why not?" We're both committed to this process of marriage at this point, so I don't see why he can't have a symbol of that process, too.

God Thing #5

Later that day: We went home to my house and told my parents the news. Mom told me that she'd secretly been praying that I wouldn't move out until I got married. She apologized that the house I was buying fell through, saying it was her fault. I told her not to worry about it. That house wouldn't have been good for me anyway.

Chris and I were debating dates, but worried about what people would think of our timeline. The people we value most told us to make our engagement short. We didn't expect that, but took it as confirmation from the Lord. I don't do things lightly, but when I do act, I tend to do it quickly and jump in with both feet. Here we go....

Dreams

Since I was a little girl, I dreamed of being proposed to at a high point on a hike. I'd heard a similar story from friends of the family and always had that stuck in my head. I'd always wanted to date and fall in love with just one guy. And I'd always wanted a summer/sunshine-y wedding, but didn't think it would happen. Now it is. God is such a good God.

Life's an adventure. I said that when I moved to Arizona, and I had no clue at the time that I'd fall in love and get married here. But that's the way God works sometimes: unexpectedly, silently, and then larger than life. I'm thankful for where I am, for where we are, and looking forward with hope to what God has next for us. May He get the glory in and through it all.

"Not to us, Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness."

~Psalm 115:1, New International Version

And Just When You Think You Have It...You Don't

"If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

~Galatians 6:3, New International Version [NIV]

I found myself doing and saying things I normally wouldn't. I found myself trying to prove something. I found myself wanting to be better than others. I found myself prideful.

I don't normally think of myself as a prideful person, but there I was prideful, puffing myself up, and in so doing being derogatory towards others and pushing them down. I wasn't being my true self, either. The Spirit convicted me, and I confessed. I thought I was good, and then a big crash happened. And I was further humbled. Pride goes before a fall, and man, did I have one (Prov 16:18). And I was prideful even in that crash. I had to repent of that, confess my sins to others, and ask for forgiveness.

The trick in my field of work is to remain curious, to never think you know it all. I didn't think I knew it all, and the fall still happened. And it was epic. I got to a point of pretty utter desperation and despair, and it wasn't pretty.

Humility is a fruit of the Spirit. It's a Spirit work, not a me work. And man do I know that now. I just hope I learn the lesson a little easier next time....

Repressed Feelings

I work with children in the behavioral health field. Something we talk about time and time again are seasons and how they affect kids. We often find that kids get dysregulated around certain times of year, not because of the times of year specifically, but because of the things associated with those times of year. Guess what? Adults are the same way!

I've had several times recently where I've found myself unknowingly upset about something. I've despaired about a move, even though it was exciting. I've been sad around a holiday, even though there is no sadness this year. I've felt trapped by weather, even though I'm not actually trapped. In each case, the emotions I felt were associated not with the actual events or seasons, but were brought up by associations with previous events and seasons. I've had moves that were traumatic. I've had sad holidays. I've been trapped by snow, tornadoes, and other tumultuous weather. The brain is a powerful machine, and the external stimuli associated with current events are bringing up unpleasant feelings associated with past events.

Why do I share all this? Because I think a lot of us have feelings that upset us. We judge ourselves for the feelings without realizing where they might be coming from. We think we should be past the past and we give ourselves no grace to feel the way we do. And in so doing, we miss the change to reprocess times and seasons of our lives so that they might become good again.

So in this new year, if you have some unpleasant feelings, I encourage you to acknowledge them, to sit with them, and to see if you can find out where they come from. If you can, process those feelings. Let yourself feel them. And then resolve to redeem the current seasons and events. And if you don't know where the feelings come from, still let yourself feel them. Let yourself grieve. And then move on. This is the way to authentic living, to living in the moment, to feeling the joy, even if there is some associated pain.

Hiking Is My Therapy.

Don't get me wrong. I believe in counseling, in the power of processing life with a paid professiona; in order to get back on track and move on in life. I've been to plenty of counseling in my own life and I am a counselor. But I've also found my own form of therapy: hiking.

Life's been heavy this year. I can't totally pin it on any one thing. Rather, this heaviness is a mixture of hard work, and tiredness, and sickness, and life events, and country events, and world events. Whew! The overwhelm I've felt is pretty immense. I can't ever quite seem to escape or process it all.

But then there's hiking. It's my new favorite form of self-care. Being outside is like a mental detox. I see the stillness of nature as I walk, and I become more still. I talk to people I care about and I'm reminded that I'm not the only one with struggles. I breath in. I breath out. I sweat. I get tired. And somehow, afterward, the world seems bigger and better and brighter.

There's legitimate science behind hiking being therapeutic. The physical activity causes crossing between the left- and right-brain, resulting in new connections and new learning. New insights can be found and events reconsidered. Pretty cool, right?

Is hiking the be-all, end-all therapy? No, but for me right now, it's working. And if/when I decide to go back for traditional counseling (because at some point I might want to get married, face trauma, or have burn-out), I'll still keep doing it, because I know it will accelerate my processing and growth.

So without further ado, a few pictures from recent hikes:

 Clark Spring

 Constellation Trails

 Mount Humphreys

Praise God for His beautiful creation and its therapeutic value!

Butterfly Run 2.0

I like running. Maybe I'll do a post some other time about all the reasons why, but this post will be about one particular time I liked running: The Butterfly Run this past weekend in Tempe.

The Butterfly Run is a partnership between Nationwide Children's Hospital and Big Lots. It is designed to bring awareness to pediatric behavioral health issues and raise money for research into the causes of and treatment of the same. This was my second time running the race (a recap of my first is here) and I will run it again if I can. I like running, but I'm also passionate about the mental health of children.

The course this year was once again at Kiwanis Park. We went around the opposite way around, however. I did make all the turns and got in the full race this time, unlike last year when I had to run around a little extra to get in the 5K.

One of my friends ran with me, and my best friend from Arkansas watched, so that made the race extra fun. I've been sick and haven't been running that much or that hard lately. I've also been focusing more on physical therapy for my dystonia and gaining muscle than I have been on speed training. But somehow, I made really good time and set a personal record on this course. I also got first place in my gender/age division (only six people, but still, I'm thankful). 

The weather Saturday was beautiful and I got to go to brunch and spend time with my best friend after the race. We ate at The Uprooted Kitchen, wandered the gardens surrounding it, and then went shopping at Marshall's. 

I like running for a lot of reasons, but this weekend, I particularly liked it for the ways it allowed me to connect with causes and people I care about. My heart was filled and I came back from my "mini-vacation" a happy girl. Thank you, Lord!