And Just When You Think You Have It...You Don't

"If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

~Galatians 6:3, New International Version [NIV]

I found myself doing and saying things I normally wouldn't. I found myself trying to prove something. I found myself wanting to be better than others. I found myself prideful.

I don't normally think of myself as a prideful person, but there I was prideful, puffing myself up, and in so doing being derogatory towards others and pushing them down. I wasn't being my true self, either. The Spirit convicted me, and I confessed. I thought I was good, and then a big crash happened. And I was further humbled. Pride goes before a fall, and man, did I have one (Prov 16:18). And I was prideful even in that crash. I had to repent of that, confess my sins to others, and ask for forgiveness.

The trick in my field of work is to remain curious, to never think you know it all. I didn't think I knew it all, and the fall still happened. And it was epic. I got to a point of pretty utter desperation and despair, and it wasn't pretty.

Humility is a fruit of the Spirit. It's a Spirit work, not a me work. And man do I know that now. I just hope I learn the lesson a little easier next time....

Walking with the Spirit

This verse hit me in a new way recently. I am a striver, a perfectionist, someone who always senses a need to hustle for worthiness. (As Brene Brown says, "You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness.) Lately, I have felt like I am not striving after God's laws enough, not putting enough effort into spiritual disciplines, not sharing my testimony enough. But when I read this verse, following God suddenly became so simple: "Walk by the Spirit." The Spirit indwells believers at the moment of salvation, so I do not even have to chase after something outside myself (Eph 1:13). Rather, I have to fix my eyes on Jesus, walk with Him, and let Him do the work (Heb 12:2).

I am not suggesting that because of the Holy Spirit I have sinless perfection. I am not saying that I cannot sin when I walk with the Spirit, or that I cannot sear my conscience by repeatedly ignoring the Spirit's conviction about sin (1 Tim 4:2). What I am saying is that I think I have been trying to hard, trying to make the fruits of the Spirit a product of my effort instead of a result of me seeking Christ (Gal 5:22). The Christian life is not about striving, but about submitting. I need to do more of the latter and less of the former.