I Learned Something....

I tried to go to the grocery store between my workout and breakfast. Tried is the key word because spoiler alert: I did not make it. I got home only in time to set down groceries, get dressed for work, kiss my husband, and head out the door. I was frustrated. I was slightly upset. I tried something new, though. Instead of following the self-deprecating path those emotions generally lead me down, I tried saying, "I learned something." I learned how long it takes me to go to the grocery store and back.

I thought I could make it to the store in 30 minutes. I only had 22, but thought, "Well, I'll give it a try." Well, I did give it a try, and it did take 30 minutes, but that 30 minutes did not leave enough margin to get dressed and eat breakfast. I learned something.

I have a bad habit of trying to fit too much into my days. Yes, I stress about "chores" such as grocery shopping until they are done, but I have to consider the trade-off: stress because I have not yet done the chore, or stress because I did the chore when I did not have time to do it. I learned something.

Am I still upset that I missed breakfast with my husband? Yes. Am I still slightly upset at myself? Yes, but I learned something. I learned that I can approach some things in life not as pass/fail, but as learning opportunities. What more might I learn if I carry this mindset forward? Who knows!

Real Life Marriage: Attunement

I work a lot with parents and kids. The parallels between parent-child and relationships never cease to amaze me. Not that my husband is my child, or that I am his, but that the same principles apply. Case in point: attunement. Attunement helps us develop healthy relationships as babies. It is necessary for healthy marriages, too.

What is attunement? Attunement is noticing and responding to needs. This is what a mother does for her baby, until the baby can do it for himself or herself (Gobbel, 2020). This is the foundation for secure attachment, that is the baby feeling safe and secure, even when the mother comes and goes. Attunement benefits marriages, too.

While attunement is a good thing, part of learning attunement requires misattunement, that is missing signals that the other person sends. In marriage, this looks like miscommunication, missing needs, and/or failing to meet needs. As a perfectionist, I really hate this. I want to be a good wife, and missing things feels like failure. Missing things, though, allows for allows for separateness (Gobbel, 2020). That separateness promotes appreciation of one another's differences, and using our strengths to form a better whole. It also promotes learning. If I never see my husband have needs because I've tried to anticipate and pre-empt his needs, I miss opportunities to learn more about him. I risk making my happiness codependent on his (Bren, 2021). That isn't healthy for me, or for him.

Just like we need to learn attunement in our early relationships, we need to learn attunement in marriage. We need to learn to read each other's needs and respond to them. By necessity, this means failure sometimes. While that may not be present, it grows us, just as a mother's attunement grows her baby's social skills, empathy, and more. Parents and kids. Wives and husbands. God made them, and their relationships all. It's no wonder that a learning process that starts at birth continues into adulthood. I think God in His grace, made it that way.

References:

Bren, S. (2021, June 14). 02. Attachment theory and fostering secure attachment relationships. DrSarahBren. https://drsarahbren.com/02-attachment-theory-and-fostering-secure-attachment-relationships/

Gobbel, R. (2020, January 25). Becoming securely attached. RobynGobbel. https://www.blogger.com/blog/post/edit/8402073935441541124/2874949773406719455

You Have to Fail Sometimes.

I had great plans, plans to make a fantastic breakfast, enjoy eating the fruits of my labor, and have a productive day. Well the pancakes took longer to mix than expected. The heat of the pan wasn't right. The pancakes stuck. Literally, the whole morning was a flop. I was ticked. But then I remembered, "You have to fail sometimes."

Failure is an inevitable part of life. We realize what we don't know when we fail. We then have the opportunity to practice and learn.

Failure leaves room for creativity. Some of the greatest successes in life have come from failure: penicillin, Post-it Notes, pacemakers. I don't feel like I have time to fail, and my perfectionism hates it when I do. But if I don't fail, I don't really have a reason to fail.

Failure is uncomfortable, often to the point of pain. I don't like it, but you really do have to fail sometimes. Only when you fail do you learn what really works.

 

Unilateral Decisions

I did an "oopsie" last week. I made a decision without consulting my husband. It's not that I can't make decisions on my own, or that my husband will not let me make my own decisions, but rather that I no longer make unilateral decisions. When I make decisions, we make decisions. We are two that have become one, so one person's decisions affect the other. That is the way marriage works.

We are still navigating what it means to do life together as one. That includes deciding what types of decisions we can make on our own and which we should consult one another about. In fact, I initiated a discussion about that the night I made the "oopsie" decision. My husband wasn't mad, and he agreed with my decision, but we needed a framework for making future such decisions. We made one, and we will see how it holds up. 

Marriage is definitely a learning process, but just like everything else, it's not a unilateral one. We learn together, not separate. We only have this learning to do because we are together. May the Lord Himself, whose love for the church we image in marriage, and the greatest Decision-Maker of all time, be our guide!

Real Life Marriage: This is Us.

Photo by Sharon Lane

Nothing really prepared me for marriage. Not seeing my friends get married. Not getting a front row seat to my parents' marriage. Not reading books. Not all my graduate studies. Not really anything. Without a doubt, marriage has been the steepest learning curve I've ever experienced.

I never expected the loss I'd feel. I never expected the identity struggles. I never expected the feelings of powerlessness and loss of control. I never expected things to be so hard, so growing, so shaping, and so revealing of my own struggles all at once. I never expected how unfair things would feel. I never expected to see how my sickness and selfishness and sin could so profoundly affect another person. I never expected the spiritual opposition. I just didn't know what I was getting into.

People say that the "honeymoon" wears off after the first months of marriage. At this year point, I think I can say this is true. There isn't any less love, but there is a whole lot more real life. Real life where we try to figure out what budgeting, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry, chores, and look like for two. Real life where we have very different ideas and have to come to terms with compromise, or giving in/giving up. Real life where we realize we both assume a lot, and assume wrongly too much of the time. Real life where we recognize major communication barriers and don't know how to fix them other than to give it time.  Real life marriage where things are just messy. Real life where we need a lot of grace. Real life where two formerly very independent people are trying to from one identity. This is us.

Marriage is not easy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Our marriage is a covenant, which means we have many more years to figure out what "us" really means. To God be the glory.

32.

Well. 32 has hit. We're 35 days from one year of marriage. And we're surviving a pandemic. It's been a year. I pretty much feel like I got to do all the things I wanted to do in the first six months of last year, though. Thankfully we got those in before everything closed:


1) We got married.

2) I ran a half-marathon.

3) We hiked the Grand Canyon.

We also bought a house, moved, traveled to Seattle, and got new jobs. There's been a lot of stress. I'm tired.

So how what about my goals for 31?

Eh. Most of them are still a work in progress.

1) I don't know if learning to be a wife can ever come to a point of completion. Am I learning? Sure. See my Real Life Marriage posts for more on that. Is the process painful yes? Is marriage worth it? One-hundred percent. But nobody said it would be easy.

2) We've done some celebrating: my husband's birthday, holidays, month anniversaries. I feel like celebration has been a little lacking lately. Marking days in these times of social isolation has been hard. Being tired makes celebrating sometimes seem like more work than it's worth, too. I'm still blogging and Instagramming, so I guess those are small means of celebration, but I want to do better.

3) Well, with all the upset, we are definitely not in a routine. We were just starting to find some kind of normalcy when COVID hit. Now we just function day-to-day There is some freedom in that, but also some lack of accountability and productivity. I'm trying to hold it all with grace.

Goals for 32:

These might seem general, but with the current state of the world, they are all that seem appropriate, attainable, and reasonable:

1) Give thanks. I want to find  a place of contentedness and gratitude. My life is what it is. My health is what it is. As my husband says, "Be concerned, but not worried." God gives me strength for each day He calls me to live, and I want to thank Him for that.

2) Seek joy. My joy has been sorely lacking lately. Partly because I am tired. Partly because so many things are out of my control. But I have been reading about how anxiety stems from pride, and how joy comes from standing in awe of God and his world and work. I want to live a life of more joy.

3) Manage stress. Yes, this is a near repeat of one of my birthday goals before, but I need to revisit it. External stress is outside my control, but my responses to stress are my responsibility. Whether managing means more yoga or a different routine, or what, I don't know. I just know my body, mind, soul, relationships (and health!) can benefit from less stress.

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I'm thankful for for each day, and another year of life. Here we go...

Everything is Out of Control!

I've been feeling like a failure as a wife off and on now for awhile. I just can't seem to meet my husband's needs the way I think I should. (He hasn't complained to me yet, however.) I've felt like a failure at work because I am not meeting productivity standards. I've felt like a failure as a Christian because I seem to struggle and struggle and can never seem to be content. I've doubted my salvation. There was the hike where I completely missed the boat when it came to finding the group I wanted to join. The many weeks when I didn't stick to my pre-set grocery budget. The times I didn't get dinner done at a reasonable hour. How I feel my body is failing me because of how fatigued I've been. The rain that rescheduled our company picnic. Getting rained out of running. Paper in the washer that made laundry that much more difficult and time-consuming. And now this corona virus and how I feel I've failed to adequately prepare our household because I haven't stocked up on non-perishables and other goods. Basically, I have a really high set of expectations for myself and I've failed, all of them. Everything seems out of control.

And yet. I believe that God is trying to teach me something through all of this. He is stripping away everything where I feel I should have control and showing me that I literally have no control. He is reminding me that my stress and anxiety serve no purposes other than to further tire and exhaust me. He is reminding me that my worth lies in Him and Him alone. He is reminding me that I have absolutely no success without Him. 

Oh, Lord, I believe. I believe that you made me. I believe that my worth comes from you. I believe that you are my sufficiency. I believe that you are my provider. I believe that you have preordained my days. Everything is out of my control, but I believe that everything is in yours. Oh, Lord, help my unbelief.

Six Lessons I've Learned From Being Sick

I hate being sick. Really, I do. But I also believe God is sovereign. And with me being such a doer, it seems like God often lets me get sick to remind me to slow down and rest. It's not the way I prefer to learn, but it seems like that is what God is allowing. So, without further ado, here's a few lessons I'm learning from this go-round with illness:

1. Being sick is out of my control. I can do everything I can to promote health and well-being, and still get sick. I can't actually control my body's ability to fight off the germs. I can control my response to illness, however. I need to work on acceptance.
2. Life is a gift, not a given. I often live life like I deserve it. I too often take for granted that every breath I take, every word I speak, every move I make is a gift. I am blessed, even if I get sick sometimes.
3. Nutrition matters. I'm not always hungry when I'm sick, but if I don't eat, how will my body have energy to recover? Some people rejoice when they're sick and lose weight. Not me! I want to feel better and get my energy back.
4. Some things I think are priority really aren't. When I'm forced to decide what really matters, there are less things than I think. Cleaning, exercise, looking good, makeup, overtime, etc. can all go out the window. I'll work the limited amount I need to and go home. I'd rather rest and get better.
5. Kleenex exists for a reason. I'm not a big fan of Kleenex and it seems like an unneeded luxury...until I get sick and have a runny nose. And then the softness of Kleenex is almost a necessity. Right now, I'm really thankful for Kleenex.
6. Having a support system matters. I'm so paranoid about germs that I'm not always present when people are sick. But the people I love are present for me when I'm sick. Their company and kind words make a difference.

Being sick isn't fun, but may I trust God more because of it. And may He be glorified even in, and especially in my illness.

Thirty-One (And a Whole Ton of Change)

If you would have told me on May 10th of last year that I'd be getting married in 13 months, I would have told you that I thought you were crazy. Well, here I am at 31, with only, Lord willing, 35 days left as a single person.

A lot can change in a year. Last year, I thought I would be single forever. I thought I would focus on my job and just enjoy life. In fact, those were my birthday goals:

So how did I do?

1) I am almost two years into my job. I am learning. I am figuring out who God made me to be as a therapist. I'm passionate about my work. I have some ideas of things I would like to learn, trainings I would like to attend, and certifications I would like to earn, but still really no idea of what the future holds as far as my counseling. God knows, though.

2) I'm working on stress management. I probably always will be. But God is helping me day by day, and I see growth in areas like my handling of the on-call phone at work and not jumping on the panic wagon when others do. I've hiked more, and done yoga for less minutes, but tried to be more diligent about prioritizing both. (For me, that looks like spending more time hiking outside, and engaging in shorter yoga sessions inside, but practicing once a week, if possible.) And some stress management, like crocheting, has pretty much gone to the wayside due to health issues and lack of time. It's okay. Life changes.

3) I'd say I've lived this year. I started being more social last year because I was desperate. And God used that desperation to make me face my fears of hanging out with and getting to know Chris more. God knows what he's doing. I've had to prioritize and re-organize life and relationships again now that we're engaged and planning a wedding, but it's good. God is good. And I'm working on enjoying and celebrating God's goodness everyday.

My top three memories were:

1) My Bahamas Cruise: It's been on my bucket list for awhile to go to the Bahamas, and having a friend reunion while doing so made it even better!

2) Butterfly Run: Having my best friend and Chris there (yes, he was there, but I didn't post pictures because we weren't officially dating at the time) made it super fun. And I got my best time yet!

3) Getting engaged: Kind of unexpected based on where I was last year this time, but kind of timely based on where Chris and I were in our relationship. I'm glad he asked when he did.

Goals for 31:

1) Learn to be a wife (because I've never been one before!)

2) Celebrate life. I've been working on this, but want to do it more, because God is always good, even in the hard. I have a feeling that part of this will be finding a better work/life balance. I like my job and feel called to it, but man, it's hard! To celebrate life, I somehow have to live out the hard at work and not let it cloud my everyday. I'm not there yet.

3) Find a new routine. (I'd say "normal," but philosophically, I don't believe that normal exists.) This kind of goes with number one, but finding and fulfilling a new role in life is different than finding a new structure. I've been on my own for most of my adult life and now it's time to merge my life and find out what life looks like for us. (And I want that routine to include celebration! See point number two.)

So here's to another year of life and whatever God has for me in it. To Him be the glory!

And Just When You Think You Have It...You Don't

"If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves."

~Galatians 6:3, New International Version [NIV]

I found myself doing and saying things I normally wouldn't. I found myself trying to prove something. I found myself wanting to be better than others. I found myself prideful.

I don't normally think of myself as a prideful person, but there I was prideful, puffing myself up, and in so doing being derogatory towards others and pushing them down. I wasn't being my true self, either. The Spirit convicted me, and I confessed. I thought I was good, and then a big crash happened. And I was further humbled. Pride goes before a fall, and man, did I have one (Prov 16:18). And I was prideful even in that crash. I had to repent of that, confess my sins to others, and ask for forgiveness.

The trick in my field of work is to remain curious, to never think you know it all. I didn't think I knew it all, and the fall still happened. And it was epic. I got to a point of pretty utter desperation and despair, and it wasn't pretty.

Humility is a fruit of the Spirit. It's a Spirit work, not a me work. And man do I know that now. I just hope I learn the lesson a little easier next time....

The Difference Between Happiness and Joy

Happiness and joy. Joy and happiness. I always wrestle with these two. Happiness is fleeting. Joy endures. Happiness is more of an emotion. Joy is more of a state of being, a choice. I always say I want joy, but that reality is that I want happiness, too. At times I've felt a little more happiness, I've felt almost guilty, like I should have joy instead. But what's really the difference between happiness and joy?

As I've thought about joy and happiness more lately, I've thought about how joy really can't exist without some pain. I don't really have to choose joy when I'm feeling happy. Happiness is just a pure feeling of exhilaration, bliss, contentment. Joy, on the other hand, exists because something has been hard. It's the sunshine from beyond the shadow, the belief that there is beauty in the pain, finding purpose in the waiting. Joy hopes. Joy has faith. Joy is strength. Happiness just is.

Happiness isn't bad, I've realized. It is a gift I need to recognize and appreciate, without feeling guilty for it. Happiness is like an adrenaline shot that brings attention to our joy and re-infuses it with energy. It has a purpose, and it's a good one.

So this year, let us hold joy and happiness in the same hand, and let us pursue both. May we not shun sorrow, for it promotes growth, a greater sense of joy, and perhaps a greater enjoyment of our purely happy moments. May we see life in its entirety, happiness, joy, and sorrow, as a gift, because that is what life is.