(Photo by Arris Affairs)
I've felt lonely these past two months. Lonely for the old me. Everything about marriage and being a wife is new. And it's good and growing and beautiful. But sometimes I long for the old me, where I knew a little more about life, or at least in hindsight, thought I did. I long for the comfort and safety of routine and my way. I honestly sometimes long to be selfish and not have to think about anyone else. I long for the times I thought I knew how to love people. I rue the painful, yet productive pricks the Spirit gives as I learn to love the new person who is permanently in my life.
I've felt lonely. Lonely for my parents. The whole leaving and cleaving thing wasn't as hard as I expected in terms of forming a new family with my husband. I enjoy marriage and all of its adventures. But I had no idea how much I relied on my parents until I left them. Now I have to rely on my husband, and though that's a good thing, it's hard and painful. I find myself grieving the parent-child relationship I had, even as I rejoice in the new bonds Chris and I are forming with my parents as a couple.
Marriage is tough. Not because of fighting or relational tension or discomfort so much as because of the way it exposes my flaws. My loneliness has exposed my great need for God, and for Him to be first above all else. My loneliness has exposed my sin and my need for sanctification. My loneliness has exposed my selfishness and my struggle to really love another human fully and completely.
Marriage is good and growing. I thank God for it, and for my husband. And I thank my husband for being patient and gracious and kind to me as I deal with these things that are hard, and that I never thought would be as hard as they are.
To God be the glory. Great things He hath done (and is progressively doing).
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