September Deja Vu

September has been bringing up a lot of feelings for me. When I look back, I think that September was when I really started falling for him. If you know much of our story, you know that we had a little bit of an atypical dating relationship and really didn't officially date that long before we got engaged and married. But we were friends last September and definitely talking a lot. I am sure I liked him then, but I was afraid, very afraid. I was afraid of my feelings. I was afraid that I would misstep and lose the tenuous friendship that I had with him. I was afraid that whatever happened would be very hard.

September was hard. It was good, but hard. He came hiking with me on Labor Day. (No, I didn't admit that he was with me when I posted about my hike.) He came with me to a coworker's music event. I introduced him as a friend. 

I felt very caught about his' birthday. I valued him and wanted to celebrate him, but didn't know what I could do without crossing the "friend" line. He ended up inviting a bunch of friends, including me, over for dinner, and we ate and played games and had a great time. But I was utterly convinced that there was no way he had any feelings for me other than friendship, so when it was time to leave, it was time to leave, and I said goodbye and walked out to my car, figuring it would soon be time to say goodbye to even other friendship. (I strongly believed that guys and girls could not be friends long term if they had hopes of ever getting married. Because in my opinion, strong opposite sex friendships can harm a marriage relationship.) But then he walked out with me and said we should go hiking again. I told him of my plans to go hiking that Saturday. Guess what? He came. It was a fun hike, a good hike, but there again were those confusing, hard-to-deal with feelings.

Other things happened in September-more conversations, maybe other get-togethers. I don't totally remember. What I do remember very vividly are the feelings. Looking back to then and seeing where I am now, I feel pretty incredulous at where God has us today: definitely committed, very much in love, and married almost three months.

Why do I share all this? To say that facing hard feelings will end up with fairy tale results? No. Although God did bless us by working out our love story, that is not everyone's story. Many people feel for people and it doesn't work out. Many people have hard feelings and fears period, and sometimes those fears materialize. 

No. I share all this because I think it's important to recognize our feelings. It's important to face hard feelings, especially when they make us afraid. Because when we pull back, we miss opportunities to live and learn and love and grow.

September is a reminder for me of the past, of where I've been, and a marker for where I am now. September is a reminder that God can do a lot in a short amount of time. September is a reminder that fears can reveal to us what's important, and what's worth fighting for.

Do I have September deja vu? Yes. But it's a good thing.