Real Life Marriage: Fair Doesn't Mean Equal.

Photo by Sharon Lane

"Fair doesn't mean equal." I first read this phrase in a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene, a book about parenting. I had no children, so I didn't really apply it to my life. But then I read something on Paige Schmidt's blog about how marriage is never 50/50. The longer I have been married, the more I realize this is true. We can love each other and have a fair and equitable relationship without things being exactly 50/50. Let me elaborate.

Sometimes I do all the cooking. Sometimes he does more. Sometimes I clean the house. Sometimes he joins in. Sometimes he has to do house maintenance and I don't have the expertise to help. Sometimes I work more at my job and he works less. Sometimes I'm the one holding down the home fort while he runs around putting out fires. Sometimes I do the grocery shopping. Sometimes he does. Sometimes I pray before our meals. Sometimes he leads. I can get frustrated or resentful or bitter when things seem "unequal," but in the end, marriage is not all about equality. We believe in the equal worth of one another, but equal tasks just don't work out.

Gender roles come into play somewhat when it comes to things that need to be done in our family. Certain things just work better based around skills or abilities and likes or dislikes. I like to grocery shop and do laundry (within reason!), so I tend to do those more. He is better at directions and driving and tech stuff and house maintenance. So when he can, he does those things. But tasks and the time committed to them vary. And sometimes we just have to do something we aren't good at because it has to be done.

Gender comes into serious play when it comes to our marital roles, however. Biblically, his job is to lead. Mine is to submit. His job is to fight for and protect our family. Mine is to support. So when it comes to "menial labor" jobs, yeah, I might sometimes do more, but that's because that's my job. I in no way want the job of being the face of the family and making all the big decisions. There's a whole lot of accountability to God in that! I do not envy my husband's responsibility for our family.

Above all else, I think service is the most important concept when it comes to "balance" in our marriage. Christ is the ultimate example of that. When I remember that love is means service, I am less likely to feel slighted when we are in a season of me doing more of something. I serve because Christ served me, not because I am expecting something in return. I serve because that's my bibilical role. And I am accountable to God for that! Life isn't all about equality. 

Fair doesn't mean equal. That's true in life, and in marriage. Our marriage is fair because we value and love each other and put Christ first. That's the end of the story, and the ongoing story.

To God be the glory.