"Fair doesn't mean equal." I first read this phrase in a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene, a book about parenting. I had no children, so I didn't really apply it to my life. But then I read something on Paige Schmidt's blog about how marriage is never 50/50. The longer I have been married, the more I realize this is true. We can love each other and have a fair and equitable relationship without things being exactly 50/50. Let me elaborate.
Sometimes I do all the cooking. Sometimes he does more. Sometimes I clean the house. Sometimes he joins in. Sometimes he has to do house maintenance and I don't have the expertise to help. Sometimes I work more at my job and he works less. Sometimes I'm the one holding down the home fort while he runs around putting out fires. Sometimes I do the grocery shopping. Sometimes he does. Sometimes I pray before our meals. Sometimes he leads. I can get frustrated or resentful or bitter when things seem "unequal," but in the end, marriage is not all about equality. We believe in the equal worth of one another, but equal tasks just don't work out.
Gender roles come into play somewhat when it comes to things that need to be done in our family. Certain things just work better based around skills or abilities and likes or dislikes. I like to grocery shop and do laundry (within reason!), so I tend to do those more. He is better at directions and driving and tech stuff and house maintenance. So when he can, he does those things. But tasks and the time committed to them vary. And sometimes we just have to do something we aren't good at because it has to be done.
Gender comes into serious play when it comes to our marital roles, however. Biblically, his job is to lead. Mine is to submit. His job is to fight for and protect our family. Mine is to support. So when it comes to "menial labor" jobs, yeah, I might sometimes do more, but that's because that's my job. I in no way want the job of being the face of the family and making all the big decisions. There's a whole lot of accountability to God in that! I do not envy my husband's responsibility for our family.
Above all else, I think service is the most important concept when it comes to "balance" in our marriage. Christ is the ultimate example of that. When I remember that love is means service, I am less likely to feel slighted when we are in a season of me doing more of something. I serve because Christ served me, not because I am expecting something in return. I serve because that's my bibilical role. And I am accountable to God for that! Life isn't all about equality.
Fair doesn't mean equal. That's true in life, and in marriage. Our marriage is fair because we value and love each other and put Christ first. That's the end of the story, and the ongoing story.
To God be the glory.
I saw this quote some time ago on Instagram, and as I approach Thanksgiving break, it seems more and more apropos. I like what I do for work, but to be honest, I am tired. The weight of the pains and tragedies of life has grown heavy over the past few weeks and I am in need of a break. My body is in agreement with me, too, as I have faced stomach pains and upsetness over the past two weeks of work and life. I am pretty sure it is due to too much stress, too little sleep, and a whole ton of rushing.
What about you, friends? Are you, too, in need of rest? We live in a hustle and bustle society, and it's easy to rush and do, do, do, even on, and sometimes especially on holidays. But holidays are an opportunity to rest, to re-evaluate our values, to focus on those nearest and dearest to us.
For those of you who are Christ-followers, the idea of resting on holidays is biblical. Look at Esther 9:17-19, for example. In that setting, the Jews feasted on food and drink and took a rest from their labors. In Matthew 11:28-29, Jesus calls people to cast their burdens on him in order to rest. Rest is something we need to do, and I would argue especially so this holiday.
The Lord knows I struggle with rest, but that's my hope for you, and for me this upcoming holiday.
Happy Thanksgiving!
P.S. I am about to, Lord willing, head off on another adventure, so I am posting this holiday greeting early. Follow me on Instagram to see more about what I'm doing for the holiday, that is, if I remember to post.
I waited over a year for this opportunity. I attended multiple trainings, underwent a background check, and even sat through an interview process in order to get accepted. And now, after just a few times of serving, I asked to be taken off the list. I felt so shameful in doing so.
I wrote a few months ago about the rejection of children's church service and the pain of growing. And now here I am again. I don't know if children's ministry is not for me, or if this is just not the season. But for now, after receiving a, "Yes" to service from the church, the answer to my availability is, "No."
I wanted to justify myself today when I asked to be taken off the church ministry schedule. I wanted to give a reason for my request that would make sense. But I realized that the children's minister didn't need my explanation. She needed honesty and forthrightness and that was all.
But I didn't fully understand my own decision. I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible and ashamed of myself for "resigning." God graciously brought me into the book Uninvited by Lysa Tykeurst this afternoon, however, and specifically to these sentences:
"This rejection doesn't mean I'm [whatever negative label or shame-filled feeling you are having], it makes this [opportunity] [person] [desire] a wrong fit for me right now. Instead of letting the feelings label me, I'm going to focus on God and His promises for good things." (p. 132).
All of a sudden, I had this realization that the shame I feel is a product of rejection, not the rejection of the church, but rejection that stems from perfectionism. The perfectionist side of me says that I have to be all things to all people. The perfectionist side of me asks why I can work with kids at my job five days a week and not add on a day of service at church. The perfectionist side of me condemns me for my lack of endless energy. The perfectionist side of me creates guilt and shame when I rest.
But guess what? I'm human. I'm not the Energizer Bunny. I can't be perfect, and I need to be honest about that, instead of ashamed of it. This is the real me, the me who needs to say, "No," right now. The me who needs to do less in order to focus on GOD, and what He sets before me to do. The me I need to learn to accept, instead of reject.
This is raw. This is real. This is hard. But this is authentic living.
I recently completed Paige Schmidt's 10-day Authentically You course. (I'm kind of a self-improvement junkie and jump on courses that are free and not gimmicky-which Paige's aren't.) In completing the course, I kept coming back to the idea of approaching self-improvement from a stance of worthlessness versus from a place of worthiness. Let me explain.
When I try to improve myself to gain worth, I fail. I can never do enough to please my perfectionist self. I can never do enough to please my judgmental peers. I can never do enough to gain complete, unmerited favor with my family. Simply put, I am not enough to please people 100% of the time. So improving myself to gain approval isn't going to work.
On the other hand, if I operate from a place of worthiness, I work to improve myself because I love myself and want my life to be better. When I learn to love myself more, I get out of the head space of trying to earn worth. When my life is better, I have more energy to attend to the needs of other people and serve them well. So operating from a place of worthiness is not necessarily selfish or self-centered. How do you operate from a place of worthiness? That is probably another post for another time.
For now, I encourage you to stop trying to improve yourself from a place of worthlessness. Stop saying:
"I'll be beautiful when I lose X pounds."
"I'll be strong when I gain X pounds of muscle."
I'll be happy when I get a promotion at work."
"I'll be content when I find a person to marry."
"My life will be worth something when I make a difference."
Don't stop working towards self-improvement and healthy goals. Just approach them differently. Approach them from a place of worthiness:
"I'm trying to improve my nutrition so that I'll have more energy to play with the dog I love."
"Weight-lifting is a good habit to have for relieving stress."
"I know I am capable of moving up the ladder at work and am working toward it."
"I love myself and can't wait to find a person to share love with for the rest of my life."
"I believe I have something to give to the world, so I work with integrity and hope."
Changing our self talk requires work. But I think that work with be worth it, and actually contribute to more success with our self-improvement projects.
Thoughts? Comments? I'd love to hear you motivate yourself to work towards self-improvement. Which strategies work, and which don't?
