Marriage Misnomers: Your Spouse is Your Best Friend.

I am starting a new blog series this Monday on marriage misnomers. In addition to my monthly real life marriage series, I want to share about some commonly made statements that I haven't found to be true. I hope this series will be helpful to both married and unmarried readers.

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I've seen many people ooh and aah about marrying their "best friend." I wasn't one of them. When I got married, I had best friends and did not want to replace them.  My husband was my friend, but not my best friend. We'd spent time together, but we weren't joined at the hip, constantly together, or even telepathic like some of my best friends. We'd just spent enough time together to know we didn't want to be apart. I married my husband because I loved him, well, like a lover. 

After a year and counting of marriage, I still love my husband. I am still attracted to him physically, spiritually, emotionally, and otherwise. Over time, though, our initial attraction has grown into something more. The warm fuzzies and giddiness have grown into a steady sense of commitment and family. We're becoming better friends, and maybe best friends. Dare I say that maybe marriage is a best friend making process?

Marriage results in lots of time spent together. Marriage is an accumulation of many shared experiences. Marriage is living and learning...a lot. Marriage is having fun and laughing together. Marriage is experiencing hardship and crying together. If it takes 200 hours to make a best friend and you haven't spent that much time together before marriage, marriage provides the fertile ground of time for making a forever best friend.

Some people say they marry their best friend. I say that your spouse becomes your best friend. Marriage is a best friend making process. While I still have best friends, my husband is slowly eclipsing them all, and that's the way it should be...for better or for worse.

Butterfly Run 2.0

I like running. Maybe I'll do a post some other time about all the reasons why, but this post will be about one particular time I liked running: The Butterfly Run this past weekend in Tempe.

The Butterfly Run is a partnership between Nationwide Children's Hospital and Big Lots. It is designed to bring awareness to pediatric behavioral health issues and raise money for research into the causes of and treatment of the same. This was my second time running the race (a recap of my first is here) and I will run it again if I can. I like running, but I'm also passionate about the mental health of children.

The course this year was once again at Kiwanis Park. We went around the opposite way around, however. I did make all the turns and got in the full race this time, unlike last year when I had to run around a little extra to get in the 5K.

One of my friends ran with me, and my best friend from Arkansas watched, so that made the race extra fun. I've been sick and haven't been running that much or that hard lately. I've also been focusing more on physical therapy for my dystonia and gaining muscle than I have been on speed training. But somehow, I made really good time and set a personal record on this course. I also got first place in my gender/age division (only six people, but still, I'm thankful). 

The weather Saturday was beautiful and I got to go to brunch and spend time with my best friend after the race. We ate at The Uprooted Kitchen, wandered the gardens surrounding it, and then went shopping at Marshall's. 

I like running for a lot of reasons, but this weekend, I particularly liked it for the ways it allowed me to connect with causes and people I care about. My heart was filled and I came back from my "mini-vacation" a happy girl. Thank you, Lord!

My Journal, (Not) My Best Friend

"Journal? I thought that was the name of your boyfriend," my coworker said after I shared my list of anger coping skills. My coworker likes to tease my about being single, so I had to laugh. But on a more serious note, the interaction made me think about journaling and its role in my life.

I started journaling after a particularly difficult first semester of college. It was my solution to my disconnection from my life, to my lack of honesty about how much I was struggling. I committed to journaling once a week at that point, and slowly, journaling evolved to an every day practice. I started writing down lessons learned in my daily devotions. When the Spirit convicted me about lack of gratitude, writing in my journal became a practice in thanksgiving. Then I started jotting down prayer requests and quotes and thoughts. I wrote in full sentences for awhile. I wrote neatly for a while. Now my journal is filled with jots and tittles and dashes and sketches and everything else. I often find food and chocolate smears in my journal. Basically, my journal is a mess, because my life is a mess. But I think the mess of my journal keeps me grounded.

I don't journal as much as I used to. I primarily journal when I read my Bible in the morning, when I get home from work, and before I start winding down for the night. I used to take my journal to work and write while I snacked before bed, but I found that those practices could keep me stuck in my head and stimulate overthinking, so I quit them.

I have saved my journals from the last nine or so years of life, but I've yet to flip back through many of them. I'm not sure I want to, and I'm not sure I want anyone else to, either. My journals are my way of sorting out life, of purging the good and the bad. I do mince a few words for fear that others will read, but basically, my journals are raw. They're a reflection of the real me, good, bad, and ugly, really ugly.

Journaling is a valuable practice in my life, but in no way does it fully meet my needs for processing and connection. I still need people and community. I need people to help me reflect and process and see things in a new light. I need community to love me and encourage me and pray for me and support me. I need people to remind me that I'm not the center of the universe and that my thoughts don't run the world. 

Journaling is a valuable practice for me, but let's be clear. My journal is not my best friend (or my boyfriend!). I'm human and no inanimate object can take the place of my need for other people.

I Have a Hangover.

No, not that kind of hangover. I don't drink. I have what I'd call "vulnerability hangover*." It's that incredibly confusing and painful state that comes from being so real that it hurts. It's that sensation that you've shared too much, done too much, and want to go back, but can't. I've been extremely vulnerable with myself this weekend, and it's left me feeling overstimulated, overly sensitive and overwhelmed with emotions I can't seem to sort out.

My job requires me to show up and be present with people and their stories each and every day. It's not the kind of job where I can show up and put myself on the shelf. No, I am there in person every day at work, and sometimes, the work is there with me when I leave. I like my job, I really do, but I haven't ever had a job where I've had to be this real, and it's hard. A particular call this past week reminded me of that.

It isn't very often that I go out with people and let loose and really have fun. And I did that this weekend. It reminded me of the value of community and of the importance of activities that really have no extrinsic worth. It was an experience that made me painfully aware that fun and community are seriously lacking in my life.

My parents were out of town this weekend, so schedule and routine were completely up to me. I'm so used to the rhythm of life with my family that decisions like where to sit to do my devotions and what to eat for dinner became overwhelming. I had to really tune in with myself and ask myself what I wanted. And I'm not used to that.

I've lost a lot of myself in my years of moving away from home, getting an education, trying to be perfect, and living an overall inauthentic life. In this process of coming home to Arizona, I'm coming home to myself and feeling the pain of God breaking down the walls of what I have known to make me into who He wants me to be. It's confusing and awkward and strange. 

My life right now is messy and complicated and I'm afraid, but I'm trying to show up. Please be patient with me. I'm in God's workshop and He's not done with me yet.

*I got the term "vulnerability hangover" from Brene Brown, but am using it in a slightly different context here.

Veteran's Day Weekend

Thank you to all the veterans of the armed services, I enjoyed the freedom to have a great Veteran's Day weekend!

Friday started with going in for my yearly blood work and delivering the crisis phone from work to the next recipient. But then I had a nice slow breakfast and wrote this happy list:

@717jr got me started on this habit, and it's a great way to end the week, especially when I'm tired.

Packing for my weekend trip, yoga, and a trip to the doctor (no botox this time since I requested another EMG-we'll see if that shows anything different than the last test). Then I was on my way to Phoenix!

I stayed at Drury Inn in Tempe. Work training introduced me to this hotel, but I'd go back again and again. It's clean, has comfy beds, and complimentary breakfast and dinner. Win, win!

I laid down for a quick nap when I got there, but woke up feeling stir crazy. So I took myself for a little walk over to IKEA to do some shopping.

I ended up with some family gifts as well as these cute ceramic cacti for my best friend:

I mapped my walk through IKEA and figured out that the market itself is over half a mile. I added onto that with my walk over to the restaurant and then a stop at Panera to pick up some wholesome dinner. The hotel food is okay, but I wanted the freshness of Panera.

The night was beautiful. I am not a big fan of Phoenix's traffic and air pollution, but the warm fall temperatures are amazing. I also enjoy the palm trees that the warmer temperatures allow to grow.

I went with the ancient grain, arugula, and chicken salad and a pumpkin muffin for dinner.

I intended to save the muffin for snack, but felt hungry enough to eat it with dinner.

I have struggled with stomach discomfort all week and unfortunately it returned after eating, so all I did for the rest of the time was finish the pictured crossword and surf social media. 

I ate a Kashi Honey Almond Flax granola bar and hit the hay at 9 pm, praying to feel better in the morning.

I didn't feel great when I woke up, but I made it out to The Butterfly Run anyway. I probably arrived earlier than needed, but I got a cool grab bag:

This race was the first of several of its kind. I really wanted to run in this race because it supports research for children's behavioral health, something about which I am very passionate. The statistics about children's mental health are staggering. For example one out of five children is diagnosed with a mental illness before the age of 12. I work in behavioral health and the numbers of suffering children still make me want to cry. What was cool about this race was the partnership of Big Lots in supporting it. The CEO of Big Lots, David Campisi was there in person from Columbus, Ohio. Big Lots employees from all over the US came, too, as well as Dr. Steve Allen of Nationwide Children's Hospital. I find it really encouraging to see companies and healthcare organizations partnering together like this.

The race itself started at Kiwanis Park and went around the lake. The course was well-marked, but somehow my directions got off and I had only run two miles when I got to the three mile banner. So I walked my RunKeeper and tried to keep up. I ended at 3.08 miles, a little less than the 3.114 needed for 5K, but I had to let it go.

After the race, I met my Arkansas best friend for breakfast at The Broken Yolk. I went for a simple two eggs breakfast with rye toast and home fries. I expected something like seasoned breakfast potatoes with the home fries, but they turned out more like scalloped potatoes without the cheese. Whatever. At least the potatoes were real and with a little added ketchup and cholula sauce, they tasted great.

My friend and I headed to Arizona Mills for shopping after that. This is one of the nicest malls I've been to, with a full mile indoor circuit of stores. We hit up Marshall's, Ross Dress for Less, and a variety of other smaller stores. We mostly made Christmas gift purchases, but we did stop into a photo booth to document our adventures.

Post shopping, we parted ways, she to the event she came to Phoenix for, and I to my home. It was a good weekend.

Happy Veteran's Day, and thanks again to all who served!

Janis Best Memorial Run

I ran another 5K today, the Janis Best Memorial Run. I've run on the Peavine Trail but I wanted to find a nice, flat, racing trail to offer to a friend. (She wanted to run up a hill, but I wimped out and this was my consolation offer.)

Here we are before the race. It was a bit chilly out, 47 degrees, but since we're in Arizona and the predicted high is 74 degrees, I decided to run in short sleeves. Therefore my race bib is concealed in this photo.

The race wasn't fancy. It was clock and not chip-timed, but that's okay. I'm not "in it to win it" (though some were). I just wanted to beat my own time.

I came in at 27:29 on my watch, but the board said 27:30 per my ever-supportive mom who came to watch me. I had trouble starting my watch, so 27:30 sounds about right.

To be honest, I've felt a little crappy about myself and my body lately, so I pushed myself in this race. I wanted to prove that I could still do this. That's not the best motivation ever, nor a rationale I'd recommend to other people, but I used it. The only problem now is that my new time to beat is even faster. I'm a perfectionist and I know that at some point, I'll tap out on how fast my body can actually run.

But for now, here's a fun post-race shot, and the t-shirt I got:

I'm thankful and grateful and I hope that I can keep working on my total health (mental, spiritual, emotional, physical, and relational). I enjoy running and races and getting faster, but I need to learn to be okay with myself with and without those things.

Magazine Envelopes + "Open When" Letters

A kind friend from college sent me a special note in a unique envelope, and I just had to ask her about it. She explained that she made the envelope from a magazine page. I Google-searched the idea and found lots of ideas, but I found Creative Green Living's tutorial especially helpful.


I made an envelope or two, and then set out on a bigger project: a series of envelopes to house, "Open When" letters. "Open When" letters are a way to share thoughts and encouragement with someone far away. Simple provide a list (or a key) that tells the person when to open each letter. I used an idea I saw on Pinterest as a foundation and then used the internet to search for ideas. I came up with 25 prompts, and a series of letters that looked like this:

My friend texted me when she received the package yesterday. I am so excited for her to begin opening them. I really enjoyed this project because it combined note writing, encouragement, crafting, and using up excess (old Conde Nast Traveler magazines) all in one.