Marriage as Calling

What is a calling? What does it means to have a calling? Calling means different things for different people. A calling can come because of birthright or fortune or circumstance.  A calling might be a role, a job, a hobby, or a vocation. A calling might change based on season in life. It can be a season of life. Regardless of the specific details of the calling, I would argue that calling is something that feels irresistible, that if resisted can result in undue hardship, pain, or misery. For the Christian, I believe calling is something set before a person by God, God's will in a sense. But what is God's will, and what is calling? Are they the same or different? I think there are areas of overlap and also individuality.

For those predestined to be saved, God's will is first of all. acceptance of Jesus' gift of salvation, belief in Jesus' atoning death for salvation, and confession of sins unto repentance. It is following God's commands in Scripture, for example rejoicing, praying, and giving thanks (1 Thess 5:16-18). It is treating others as we want to be treated (Matt 7:12). It is honoring God and giving him glory, and so much more. The best way to know God's will is to read His Word, the Bible, all of it.

But what about calling? How does calling fit in with God's will? Calling must first of all align with God's will. If calling disagrees with God's commands, it isn't His will. Second, calling must fit with who God created us to be. Calling generally lines up with talents and abilities. I am probably not cut out to play football if I am a tall, uncoordinated woman. Could I try? Sure, but I might want to find a different place to invest the bulk of my time. Third, calling must fit with roles and responsibilities assigned by God. For example, my calling as a daughter is set in place by the existence of my parents. That brings me to marriage, and to the idea of marriage as calling.

The idea of marriage as calling first came to me in a podcast by Kate Bowler and Will Willimon. The idea came during a hard season when I wasn't questioning marriage, but was definitely struggling with it. Thinking of marriage as a calling gave me perspective. I was reminded of how God clearly brought to me my husband, of how clear it was to me when I said, "Yes" to his proposal that to do otherwise would have been selfishness and sin, that I would be more heartbroken without him than I am pained when I have issues with him.

A dear family friend once shared with me her story of going into missions. She shared that she felt it was important to know her calling, because when times got hard, she needed to remember why she was doing what she was doing. I feel that way about my calling to marriage: looking back, I know there was no other way if I was walking in God's way.

So what am I doing with this idea of calling? I am doing what Willimon says and "acting as." I am acting as a wife even when I don't feel like making those sacrifices. I am asking for Holy Spirit help to be selfless instead of selfish. I am making marriage a priority and a focus. My be all end all? No, but a major driving force for my life, right behind my passion and pursuit of Jesus.

Do I believe that I was always called to marriage? I don't know. Do I believe that all people are called to marriage? Most definitely not! The Apostle Paul was single. Jesus was single. God has used many single people to do great work. Paul wrote that the unmarried are more free from worldly concerns and therefore able to focus on God's business (1 Corinthians 7:32-34). I understand that more now. For me, however, my calling to marriage was settled as soon as I signed that marriage certificate. Really, it was clear to me even before that when I saw how God brought my husband to me. Could I have rebelled against my calling then? Yes. Could I rebel now? Yes, but I would risk God's wrath and punishment for my sin. I would rather not experience that. 

Marriage is my calling. Marriage is God's will for me since the day that I committed to it. May I walk in this calling, today, and for the rest of my life. By God's grace, may I fulfill this calling and submit any other callings beneath it in accordance with the will of God.

Hopelessness and Hope

“Hopelessness is the doorway to hope.” I’ve read that quote from Paul David Tripp twice in the past 24 hours. At face value, it seems rather harsh. Who wants to promote hopelessness as a way to hope? And yet the quote really resonates with me, both on personal and a professional level.

There was a time in my life when I was very hopeless and literally had no aspirations for the future. I remember doing an art therapy project (remember my post about going to therapy?) where I drew my feelings on a continuum and shaded it. I had literally no hope and all of life seemed blase and lacking in meaning. But that hopelessness was what led my parents to seek help for me, bringing both professionals and lay people into my life to restore my health and hope. It was one of the darkest seasons of my life, but going through that hopelessness helped make me who I am today.

On a professional level, I often wonder if I am making any difference. It’s not my job to tell people what to do, or even to demand that they find hope, but to sit with them at their darkest and support them if and when they want to crawl towards the light. It’s a high and hard calling, and walking in it often hurts. But if hope is the doorway to hopelessness, than maybe what I’m doing does matter. I’m being given the privilege to sit with people at their lowest, but when at their lowest, they are at the cusp of finding hope. How amazing is that?

I don’t really have a conclusion to this post, but maybe rather an encouragement to those reading. If you’re feeling hopeless, maybe you’re almost to hope. (If you are feeling suicidal at all, please reach out for help to the National Suicide Prevention Helpline at 1-800-273-8255.) You’re realizing all the things that don’t work and being able to recognize and reach for what really matters. Ultimately, I pray that you find Jesus and salvation in Him, because He is the only way to freedom from hopelessness and eternal hope forever.

Marriage is Ministry.

Photo credit: Arris Affairs

"Marriage is ministry." I first heard this phrase when listening to the commentary for my daily Bible reading. The more I thought about it, the more I found it true. Marriage is supposed to be our primary commitment in life, second only to our commitment to Christ. And if marriage is supposed to image Christ and the church (which I believe it is), then marriage should include service, for Christ gave all.

So what does mutual ministry look like in marriage? It's not black and white. And most of the time, it's not as glamorous as people make it out to be. Sometimes it's cooking dinner, eating alone, and keeping the food warm for my husband when arrives home well afterward. Sometimes it's the ministry of presence sitting together on the couch as we both work on our laptop computers. Sometimes it's him holding me when I cry. Sometimes it's doing that extra chore because I know it will bless him. And sometimes it's allowing him to do something for me because doing so will bless him. Ministry in marriage varies every day, day by day.

Marriage is about growth and sanctification. Therefore, ministry in marriage is definitely not cut and dry. That's why we need Christ as our Savior and model. Because we can only truly serve each other in His strength. And we need his ministry of salvation and redemption before we can truly minister to others. But when we minister to others, especially our spouses, it grows us in ways we couldn't imagine, closer to God and closer to each other. In that way, marriage is a ministry of God to us!

I've Been In Your Chair.

I've been in your chair. I've been in that place of darkness and depth and desperation (and sometimes I still find myself there). I've needed insight and help and encouragement and guidance and motivation. And people were there for me.

I've had several kids ask me why I do what I do over the past few years. Quite simply, I've been there. I went through a long period of darkness in my early teen years, and even into college and my early adulthood. (And I'm not saying I don't have dark days now. I do.) But I was in a period of life where I was incredibly self destructive, where I didn't believe anyone loved me, where all I saw was darkness, and I needed help. I needed professional help.

I went to a variety of professionals (both physical and mental practitioners) during that time. Some were helpful. Some were not. But the helpful ones, the counselors who propelled me towards the Lord and towards freedom were the ones that gave me information that made a difference. They were the ones who walked with me through hard times, who didn't tell me it was going to be okay, but who held hope for me that one day my life would be better. And praise the Lord, it is. Some of those people know where I am today. Some don't. But those who knew me then and know me now can testify that I am a different person.

As a counselor, I'm not saying I'm beyond counseling. I've been back to counseling several times since my intensive days, and I'm not against going again. As a Christian, I'm not saying that prayer and accountability and lay person encouragement don't make a difference, either. They do. But sometimes you just need professional help. You need an outside observer, an impartial party, someone you can yell at, and be angry at, and not have to be in an everyday relationship with. Someone who will help you process the hard things. Someone who can give you insight and perspective and guidance. Some days, I'm honored to be in that chair.

I've been in your chair. That's how I got to my chair. By God's grace, I'm a counselor. And if I'm your counselor, I'm honored to hold hope for you, because others once held hope for me. And by the Holy Spirit's power, I'll keep holding hope for you, and for a better world until Christ returns and makes all things new.

Do's and Dont's

"What am I made to do?" This is a question I ask myself frequently. And I'll probably be asking it my entire life. "What am I made to do?" is not a bad question to ask, because it can define my purpose, vision, and values. But it can also be an overwhelming question, a scary question, and a question that can be discouraging when I don't know how to answer it.

I think the question, "What am I made to do?" is as much about what I'm not doing as it is about what I'm doing, though. There are things I'm called to do and things I'm not called to do, or things I am not called to do right now. For example, right now I am not called to be a wife, or a mom, or a home owner. I am a friend, and a daughter, and a coworker, however. And some things I do and don't aren't really about calling. They're about preferences and choices. Because I can't do everything, much as in my perfectionism, I would like to.

So right now, what are my do's and don'ts? Here's a non-exclusive list.

I do...
Cook.
Clean.
Love.
Exercise.
Stay active.
Write.
Hike.
Jog.
Run 5Ks.
Crochet.
Spend time with people I love.
(Try to) Go to bed on time.
Linger at nighttime snack.
Sing.
Be faithful to my daily devotional time.
Paint my toes.

I don't...
Stay out late.
People please.
Do heavy workouts.
Run marathons.
Follow restrictive diets.
Make all my food from scratch.
Focus on externals.
Garden.
Wear a lot of makeup.
Serve in Children's Church.
Volunteer for extra hours at work.
Do my own car maintenance.
Study or argue philosophy and theology.
Sew.

You'll notice that the items on my lists are a mixture of value neutral and value laden activities. I feel conviction about some things on the list and others are just choices. But they're choices I often have to consciously make.

What am I made to do? What are my values? My purpose and values become evident in my choices. So I want to be purposeful about them. May my choices always point to Jesus as I continue to accurately discern all that He has called me to do.

*This post was inspired by the chapter "Things I Don't Do" in Shauna Niequist's book, Bittersweet.

Who Is My Neighbor?

We had a compelling sermon this past week at church. I came away with the question, "Who is my neighbor?" It's a question that's been rattling around in my head for quite some time. I read Bob Goff's book, Everybody Always this summer. And I recently finished Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist. Neither book was entirely about neighbors, but they both referenced love and loving the people around us.

My job is to serve people, and I love it and am thankful for it. It is a privilege to walk with and encourage people in their journeys of life, particularly in the hard times. But I've been realizing that my service during the day can come at a cost to my family and friends during the rest of my life. The work I do always comes at a cost to those around me, because it is emotionally taxing and draining. But sometimes work comes at too much of a cost, where I'm putting work before family and friends.

The question, "Who is my neighbor?" for me, therefore, has become less about the general "who" and more about the specific "who." Shauna Niequist writes about the "home team," and encourages readers to really hone in on who that is. Bob Goff writes times and times again about not trying to be Jesus. Jesus is the Savior and Healer and Redeemer, and I'm not it! I'm realizing that part of my issue with work is that I'm trying to do too much, playing medic for the away team while my home team suffers. I need to do the work I'm called to do, but I also need to make time and space for the direct people in my life, the people who are behind and before me in the work I do. Because if I lose my home team, I've got nothing.

So who is my neighbor? Every human being that God has created is my neighbor! But there are some specific neighbors, my family and my close friends, that God calls me to serve in specific ways, and I need to find time and space to do it. By God's grace, may I never step over the bleeding neighbor at my doorstep to be a "savior" to the neighbor far away.

I Don't Want to BE the Best, Just DO My Best.

Back in December, I read a post in The Joy Squad Facebook group about finding joy in work. I didn't think too much of it. Sure, I was tired and frustrated about how much I was working, but I'm an achiever, and honestly, I took some pride in how much I was working and how efficient I was being. And then the flu (or a flu-like virus) hit. I ached, ran a fever, had a terrible runny nose, and went to the doctor twice. I was out of work for a almost a week (but thankfully some of the days fell on scheduled vacation/holidays, so I only had to take two days off). I've been lacking in energy since, and thinking more about one particular comment on that post.

A lot of women replied to the post last December, but one response stuck out to me.  That woman wrote, "Now I am back at a corporate job and want nothing more than to break the culture of martyrdom and the glorification of busyness." Those words have resonated with me as I've returned to work. In the past, I've found identity in matryrdom and busyness, but now I find myself thinking differently. I find myself thinking, "I want to do my job and go home" instead of, "What's the most I can work today?" I've been thinking, "I want to meet my efficiency goals," rather than, "I want to exceed my goals this week." I've been thinking about how I want to identify myself as a human, and not as a workaholic.

My mom picks Bible verses to pray for us each year, and for me this year, she chose 1 Peter 4:10. It reads, "Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms"  (New International Version). This verse really applies to my current outlook on work. I want to do my job and I want to do a good job, because that is what God has called me to do. Sure, I feel a little guilty when I come home early and don't get into overtime, but overtime is not my best work. My best work is when I allow God to fill me up, pour out, and then leave work and go home and get refilled.

Overtime is a part of my job, to be sure, but I want to stop pursuing it. I want to stop looking at our efficiency reports each week and feeling guilty because I'm not leading the pack. Constantly trying to BE the best is exhausting, and at some point will lead to me DOING work that is less than my best. So me new motto is to stop trying to BE the best and start DOING my best. May God give me strength.

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.