Fear...Is it a Good Thing?

Fear can be limiting, and that's how its affected my life. It's been paralyzing, preventing me from really living, from really enjoying life. It's kept me scared, quiet, withdrawn, and afraid. It's backed me into corners where I've been disconnected from friends, family, and even my truest self. 

I've written a lot about fear this past year because I've felt it a lot. Fear is a plague, or at least that's how I've labeled it in my life. But I started thinking recently that maybe I've been viewing fear wrongly. Maybe fear isn't such a bad thing.

As I've started to face my fears, I've realized that most of my fears mask anxiety. Most of the time when I feel fear it's because I'm about to do something really brave. I'm about to tell others what I think or feel, take a stand, or otherwise venture outside my comfort zone. I'm about do something I know I need to do, but don't know the results of. I am vulnerable, exposed. And it feels scary.

The unknown is frightening and there does need to be some preparation and planning for it. I do need to count costs of the risks I am going to take. But the unknown is also exciting, full of possibility; open-ended, reason for hope.

So maybe fear is a good thing, because it helps me count what it costs to really live. It helps me consider if the risk I'm going to take is really worth it. If the thought or feeling or stand is important enough to risk criticism or hurt or rejection. If the possibility of a glorious ending is worth the risk of a terrible disaster.

I don't think I'll ever see the end of fear in my life, but I think I need to keep embracing it. I need to keep facing it, and walking forward. And maybe more than even accepting it, I need to start getting excited about it. Because fear and facing it has led to lots of good things in my life, and I believe it can lead to more. Sure, there will be hurt and heartbreak along the way. But if that's the cost of the good, of really living and enjoying life, isn't it worth it?

What Cutting My Hair Taught Me About Belonging to Myself

I liked my long hair, but I also felt ready for a change and chopping off my hair seemed like a change I should make. For months, I pinned images of my preferred styles and asked the opinions of others. I decided to make the cut for my 30th birthday, but then I chickened out. I couldn't find a salon that had openings. I feared I would look like a boy. I worried what people would think.I knew my dad liked my long hair. I worried I would dislike myself if I cut my hair. I was distinctly afraid. So I didn't cut my hair.

I did a lot of thinking and soul-searching when I was on my cruise this summer. (I was also reading Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown during this time.) I remember the moment when I looked into the mirror and thought, "You know what? This is my wilderness. I need to belong to myself and care less about what other people think and more about my acceptance of myself." I decided then and there that I would cut my hair when I got home, if I could find a salon that would do it.

A few weeks and phone calls later, I chopped 10 inches off my hair. The experience was terrifying, and liberating. I didn't realize my worst fears. I actually liked my new hair cut. My dad approved. Many other people complimented me. Though the compliments bolstered my self esteem, people noticing me so much actually made me feel uncomfortable. But I survived. And I learned something about belonging to myself as a result.

Three haircuts later, I chopped my hair again yesterday. I like my hair short, but I wanted a different style. I asked my boyfriend if he cared what I did to my hair (because I felt it was respectful to do so), and when he said he didn't, I went for the new cut. I figured I could always grow my hair out if I didn't like it. That thought was a huge realization for me, and a symptom of growth. I realized that I am not my hair, and that my hair cut doesn't change who I am. I was belonging to myself!

I have a really good hairstylist and I like my new hair cut. I'm grateful The fact that my fears were minimal and that I could go into this knowing I wouldn't change, though, was an even greater blessing. Who would have known that cutting my hair would teach me so much! Praise the Lord.

The Bucket List Project (Re-Cap)

The year of 2018 is almost over, so I probably owe everyone an update on #thebucketlistproject. Let's just say it's been a year! I honestly didn't expect to accomplish my list (which is why I didn't post it originally), but I completed all but one item (#6) on my list, and had a few added blessings along the way. I also did several things on my list more than once. Hooray!

I don't need lists to live, I need Jesus, but having this list did motivate me to live more bravely and courageously. And that's what I needed. By God's grace, I'm trying to actually have a life. Read on for the actual items on my list and pictures to prove I accomplished them!

1) Visit brother and sister-in-law. 
2) Run a 5K with brother and sister-in-law. 
3) Cruise to the Bahamas. 
4) Attend a college friend's wedding. 

5) Hike Hotshots and Journey trails at Granite Mountain Hotshots Memorial State Park 
6) Hike the Grand Canyon. 
-Maybe next year?
7) Hike a new trail in Prescott (x 6). 
-Easter Island Trail
-Quartz Creek Trail
-Boulder Creek Trail 
-Goldwater West 
-Constellation trails 
-Clark Spring 
8) Attend a Diamondbacks game.

9) Get half-way to licensure hours (800/1600).
-Done as of September 2018
10) See a movie in the theater (x 2). 
-Forever My Girl 1/27/18
-I Can Only Imagine 3/24/18
11) Attend the Unshaken conference with Mom. 
12) Run in the Patriot Run. 
-I ran in the Butterfly Run instead.
13) Shop at the mall. 

I bought a pillow at JCPenney. It counts, okay!

14) Buy a new pair of jeans. 

Genetic Denims jeans from Poshmark.

15) Crochet a scarf for brother. 
16) Go on a date with Dad. 
-The Road Show 
17) Try a new cereal. 
-I made one.
-And I tried one.

18) Roast some nuts. 

Candied almonds from Budget Bytes

19) Go ice skating. 

20) Read a non-fiction book (biography). 
-Convicted by Jameel McGee and Andrew Collins 
21) Read a non-fiction book (self-help: x 10). 
-Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst 
-I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown 
-You'll Get Through This by Max Lucado 
-Anxious for Nothing by Max Lucado 
-Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown
-The Indwelling Life of Christ: All of Him in All of Me by Major W. Ian Thomas 
-Everybody Always by Bob Goff 8/12/18
-Beautifully Interrupted by Tessa Swanstrom Anderson
-Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist
22) Read a fiction book (x 3). 
-Brush of Wings by Karen Kingsbury 
-The Masterpiece by Francine Rivers 
-To The Moon and Back by Karen Kingsbury
23) Eat at a new restaurant in Prescott.

Spaghetti with spicy meat sauce at La Bruzza's 

24) Eat at a new restaurant in Prescott Valley.

Chili rellano and bean burrito at Casa Perez

25) Go to a new restaurant in Chino Valley. 
-Arturo's was part of my bucket list birthday weekend.
26) Go to a King and Country concert (x 2). 
27) Make more family meals (x 13).

My favorite meal was probably the butter chicken and naan I made with my little brother.

28) Sing on the worship team more (x 18). 
29) Memorize more Bible verses.
-Still working on Romans
30) Girls' weekend with my Ohio best friend 
-The cruise counts, right?!?

Here's to 2019 and all the adventures it will entail!

Ugly.

I generally try to present my best self on social media. I prefer pictures where my hair looks at least half done, makeup covers my blemishes, and I'm smiling. But that's not real life, friends. Some days, plenty of days, I barely comb my hair, have a face covered in acne, and am still wearing PJs or workout clothes by midday. I wouldn't say those things make me ugly, though. What makes me ugly is my heart.

People often think I'm a "nice girl" or a "goody two shoe" because I'm a rule follower. But guess what? My heart can be evil and wicked. I envy. I wish harm to people. I gripe. I moan. I discourage. I don't pray. I grasp for control. I worry. I curse. People don't always know all this, because these things generally happen inside me, but these sins are ugly. And often I act ugly. I have a short temper. I get easily irritated. I speak unkindly. I'm pessimistic. I'm not  or good company.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (New International Version) That is certainly true of my heart without Jesus. It is only because of Jesus and the redeeming work of the Holy Spirit that there is anything good in me. It is only because of being in Christ that I am metamorphosing into a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). 

I do want to be beautiful. Let's be honest, I want to be beautiful on the outside, but I recognize that is only superficial. What the Spirit within me desires is that I cultivate inner beauty, because that is what lasts. And so in a spiritual sense, I also want to be beautiful, to have a "gentle and quiet spirit" instead of worry and envy and discontent, to be brave and "not give way to fear" (1 Pet 3:4, 6). Because as I do these things, the ugliness of my heart fades, allowing the beauty of the Spirit to shine. And that is true beauty, a kind of beauty that lasts!

Saying No

Saying, "No," to things that disrupted my very structured way of life was never very hard for me. I liked the safety and control that saying, "No" gave me. I willingly turned down opportunities to get off the beaten path of life because the straight and narrow felt right (and I'm not talking morals here). But in this season of resettling, I've told myself that I need to start saying, "Yes" more. I need to start saying, "Yes," when people invite me to do things, even if it feels uncomfortable or the timing isn't "right." I need to start trying new things, things that I might not think I like. I need to be brave, take risks, sit with discomfort.

But in this season of saying, "Yes," I've realized that I still have to say, "No."  I have to say, "No" to extra work opportunities, even when they feel important. I have to say, "No," to service opportunities because they don't seem right for me.  I have to say, "No" to non-essential items on my to-do list, things that used to be important to me, like having a clean car, or trying to keep things "perfectly" organized. Sometimes I have to say, "No" to my preferred early bedtime or preparing and eating healthy food. I've certainly had to say, "No," to sitting at home on social media, which I enjoy, but really isn't that productive. Changing my, "No" to the unknown to a, "No" to the known feels unsafe and uncomfortable and scary. But it also feels right.

If life is about living, I need to to expect the unexpected, find joy in the journey, and give my scared yeses more and more often. It's kind of crazy that embracing life still means saying, "No," but hopefully those noes make room for the yeses that need to happen.

Be Bold. Be Brave. Be Daring.

My word for 2018 is Brave. (Or at least that's what my Dayspring Word of Truth quiz said.) As a type A perfectionist, being brave is hard, but the #bucketlistproject is teaching me to do it more and more. 

Time flies fast and life is taxing. There are few "good" time to do the things I want to do. I'm often tired and exhausted or don't feel well and would rather sleep or introvert than actually go out and live. (That sounds pretty awful, but I'm afraid it's often true.) There is a time and place for rest, but there are also times and places for risk.

Like eating the delicious ice cream even if it might not make me feel the best later on.

Or staying up late to see King and Country.

Or cutting loose from work early to take a flight to see my brother and sister-in-law.

Or deciding to go for a hike with Mom on Saturday even when it has been a long week.

There is a delicate balance between bravery and risk. And self-care is certainly important. But I'm realizing that for me, self-care requires me to be a little less perfectionistic and a little more brave.

Don't do stupid things, friends. But do make the decision to live now, not later. And if that means taking a few more risks, being a little more bold, being a little more brave, and daring more, DO IT! You only have one life to live.

I Cried At Work.

Maybe it's because I was tired. Maybe it's because my buttons got pushed. Maybe I was hungry. I don't totally know why, but I cried at work.

And you know what? I'm not sorry about it. It shows I'm human. I have a heart. I think I handled myself as professionally as I could in the immediate situation. Then I let my tears out with my supervisor. What's more, I cried again when the issue came up again. And I'm going to choose to be okay with it because I feel.

A lot of people think I'm strong and have it all together. I do try to hold it together as much as I can, but ask those closest to me and you'll hear that I fall apart. Like majorly. So as much as this hurt, maybe it's a good thing that I cried at work. It shows that I'm integrating my true self into what I do both inside and outside of my home. I see at as a sign of growth, a sign of moving towards more authentic living, which is what I want, painful as it may be. (See Brene Brown's work for more on vulnerability.)

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.