All The Things That Were Good

The night of my car accident, my Mom reminded me that God can work out all things together for good for those who love Him (Rom 8:28). I don't know if she told me to look for the good, or if I just thought about it, but the sentiment stuck with me. This journey of car accident, car loss, and finding a new car has been hard, really hard. We grieve. We have pain, and yet God, in his grace, has still allowed me to see a lot of things that were good:

The accident was close to our home, which meant my husband could walk to the scene to support my friend and I.

The accident was at rest, versus moving at fast rates of speed.

Police dispatch answered my call.

The police came quickly.

The police were professional.

My husband drove the wrecked car home so I did not have to.

I already had an easy dinner planned that took little to no time to prepare after the accident.

My husband told me he loved me a lot after the accident.

I was able to call my parents for advice.

No immediate medical attention was necessary.

I was able to get some sleep that night despite sleep struggles.

I was not too sore in the morning.

My neighbor recommended a chiropractor.

Our insurance was able to help us get a rental car.

I was able to get a rental car the first day I needed to go back to work.

My workplace was gracious with my schedule.

I had sick time to cover hours of work missed.

My husband's friend helped him take the car to the shop.

When the insurance totaled the car, they gave us more money than I paid for it four years ago.

I felt peace from the Lord about finding a car online.

Looking for a car online led to several dead ends, that led us to more affordable cars.

The California car we planned to buy sold out from under us, which made us look local.

My husband did not have to fly to California to get us a car.

The local car that wasn't ready lead us to look at an SUV.

The SUV was in our price range.

The SUV was immediately ready.

The car salesman was nice.

My parents taught me to save, and we had just enough in our savings account to comfortably cover the increased cost of the SUV over the insurance amount.

We got to drive the car home that day.

We got to turn in the rental car a day earlier than expected, saving us some money.

We got to drop rental car insurance, which also saved money.

We can give stuff from our old car to my parents, who have a similar car.

The car we bought is three years newer than ours.

The new car has 30,000 less miles than ours did.

Lord willing, this car will last us further into the further than the one we had.

Lord willing, we are DONE car shopping for awhile.

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I am sure that's not all the things that are good, because we are not omniscient like God. There is still grief. This is still hard, but we are thankful.

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Happy Thanksgiving to all who celebrate!

Grief Part 2: It’s "Just" A Car

There’s the grief of true loss, the grief of giving up, and then there’s the grief of losing things that “aren’t important,” like cars.

Four years ago, I was in a three car accident and my almost brand new car required over half of what I paid for it in repairs. Fast forward to last month when I got rear-ended again* worse, and my car was totaled. I knew to expect that, but had a little hope after my insurance agent said it looked fixable. I got the estimate and though it was almost equal to Kelly Blue Book value, it still looked like they would fix it. I breathed a sigh of relief and even wrote getting the car back and wrapping up accident stuff as a goal for November. Then I got the call that the car was indeed totaled. Insurance would give us decent money for the car, but we had to sign over the title, mail off the keys, and call the body shop to tell them to send it off. I felt a sense of loss.

This was the first (almost new) car I ever bought. It was the first car I bought as a working professional. The car held lots of memories, from work trips, to doctor travels, to our honeymoon, to my daily commutes. It was a really nice car, and I worked hard to keep it that way (minus the one fender scratch I got because of my bad parking skills). I felt comfortable in that car. And now it was gone. I wouldn’t ever even drive it again.

Now we needed to look for a new car, too. That brought on new grief: grief of time that I planned to use to do other things. Buying a new car isn’t quick. Nor are licensing, tagging, emission checks, etc. Grief upon grief.

It’s just a car. It’s not a place, or a person, or even a possession that has immense value. Although a car can enable kingdom work, I know I can’t take it to heaven. Even yet, I still feel grief. May God guide me through it, because man, this grief is piling up. "Just" grief or not, it's still grief, and it's painful.

*My passenger and I are sore, but okay. This accident could have been much worse, and we praise God for his provision in and through it, even with the grief.

Five.

Five years ago, I moved back to Arizona.

Four years ago, I started a job that would allow me to work towards professional licensure.

Three years ago, I bought an almost-new car. I also started hanging out with the guy who would become my husband.

Two years ago, I got married, bought a house, hiked the Grand Canyon, visited Washington, started another new job, and joined a church.

This year, by God's grace, I got my professional counseling license, started small group at church, finally took a vacation, and celebrated two years of marriage.

I took a leap of faith when I moved back. I had not idea what the future would hold. God did. "He knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold" (Job 23:10, New International Version). I feel grateful and look forward to seeing God work as we continue to live in Arizona.

Even If...

Life has been a bit of a muddle lately. I have had long days at work, relationship struggles, crisis calls, and the accident. I've dealt with late nights, short sleeps, paperwork up the wazoo, and feeling completely overwhelmed. This week my hand has been acting up and I have felt emotionally dysregulated. Today, I got the call that the damage to my car is worse than they thought and my dad says to prepare myself that it may be totaled. I would be bummed if that was the case. We are leaving for a quick family trip tomorrow to celebrate Mom's birthday and I feel ill-prepared and ill-equipped to appropriately celebrate.

But I keep think thinking:

Even if work is hard...
Even if the worst happens...
Even if friendships fail...
Even if my health conditions cause pain and make life difficult...
Even if my car is totaled...
Even if I don't feel safe or sane...
Even if don't have the level of joy I think I should...

...God's still on the throne and He's carrying me, all the way through this life and into the next.

What are you facing, friends? A difficult job? A decision that needs to be made, but options that don't seem right? A terminal diagnosis? Being let down by someone you love? The loss of a treasured possession?

If you believe in Jesus for salvation, God's with you, too. He's got you. We're in this together. Even if...

Shook

I got rear-ended yesterday. I was at a standstill and so was the truck behind me. The car behind the truck never stopped and jammed all of us into each other. My car got damaged, but I was able to get off the road. I was physically fine. I was thankful.

But I was honestly kind of a mess after the accident. I was overwhelmed with trying to go to insurance, report the incident at work, cover missed appointments, etc. I was worried. I was upset that my plans for the work day got ruined. I knew I needed to go to Urgent Care for whiplash, and I didn't want to. I griped.

After the Urgent Care visit. I was able to go home and finish paperwork and then go for a walk to think. On that walk, my head started to clear. I realized that some good things came out of this incident. The truck between the cause of the accident and my car broke the impact and saved me and my passenger potentially serious injuries. I've been trying to make friends here, and that day two of my more recent friends showed their true colors and offered me care, concern, and support. Dad helped me with my car and Mom helped me with medical stuff. I realized how much my family suffers with me when I hurt, and they willingly do this because they love me. Work showed me that they care more about more than my productivity. I cannot deny that I felt scared and angry and alone at times that day, but I know that gratitude needs to be the attitude of my spirit

I'm shook and I've still gotta walk the long road to getting my car fixed, but I am okay. God is unshakeable and this accident did not escape His notice. He was clearly present in and around it. Praise Him.

Discontent

So much in my life is going right. I've made it a year at my job. My parents bought me a new phone for my birthday. I recently got a new car. I just went on a beautiful vacation. And yet I'm still discontent.

I keep thinking that at some point all the pieces of my life will fall into place. That I'll find a home of my own. That I'll make friends. That I'll get married. That my job will be less stressful. That I'll feel settled and at rest. The more I go on with life though, the more I realize that I'll never quite get there.

This world and its imperfections are supposed to make me long for heaven. I need to be thankful and grateful for the good things here on earth, yes, but I need to accept that this dwelling place will never satisfy. The settledness I lack here reminds me that I need to look to Jesus to meet my needs and provide an eternal home. 

So here's to living with my discontent, for accepting it and integrating it into my life and allowing it to push me towards Jesus. I am weak, but he is strong (2 Cor 12:10).

Arizona: Year Two

I've made it two years, y'all. I've gotten a few funny looks lately when I've expressed my excitement about the anniversary of my move to Arizona, and that's okay. They don't get it. These past two years have wrecked me, in good ways, but in hard ways.

Work: If you had told me in grad school that I'd spending close to fifty hours a week helping kids, I would have said you were crazy. I fought against my elementary school internship placement. I asked the community clinic to only give me teenagers and adults. I didn't take the play therapy training classes offered to me. And now I have a birth to five year-old case load. You'll find me outside throwing a football more than you'll find me in an office. I'm now taking play therapy and sand tray classes. And I'm growing to love what I do. Go figure.

Church: I came home to Arizona partly because my family belonged to a strong church. And it's fallen apart. The brokenness of the people that make up the church has become apparent and though we are pursuing healing, it is messy. We are currently without a pastor and our body has decreased to about a third of the size. But we're still together and the Word is being preached. Thanks be to God.

Family: I planned to live with my parents only long enough to set up my own independent life, but here I am two years later still living at home. It's been hard, but good. I have found a lot of healing in relating to my parents as adults. I've been forced to let some of my perfectionism go and recognize that relationship matters more than having a perfect house or an ideal life. If God ever sees fit for me to get married and have a family of my own, this has been good training.

Worship team: I sang in choir growing up and never thought I'd sing on stage. But I've found community in worship team and you'll find me on the platform a few times a month singing, but for God's glory and not my own.

Car: I thought I knew what I wanted and fought against Dad's suggestions. But I drove the car I liked and it wasn't what I thought. Now I'm back to Dad's suggestions. In fact, I am supposed to get that new car Dad suggested today. My dad is a smart man.

Community: I've expected community to come to me, but I'm learning that I've got to go to it. Relationships aren't one sided. I've met a lot of cool people here, but it takes a lot of intentional effort to connect. Connecting means being honest and vulnerable and belonging to myself above all else. It's hard work.

Health: My health struggles have reminded me that I am human and not invincible. Though I am thankful that my conditions are not fatal, they are frustrating. Dystonia is yet another way that God is sanding off my rough edges. I didn't choose it, but God has allowed it into my life for some reason.

I still have goals in life, but I'm trying to hold them loosely. As God takes what I have known and breaks it all apart, He reveals His bigger and grander and more beautiful plan. And You, my God are greater still.

Surviving the Arizona Heat

For those of you who live in Arizona, this isn't new information. For those of you who don't live here and want advice for when you visit during the summer, here it is. And for those who are thinking of moving here, or are recent transplants like some of my classmates in training, here's some potentially helpful information:

• Arizona summer heat is dry (less than 10% humidity).
• June is one of our hottest months.
• Temperatures are normally over 100 degrees, especially at lower elevations.

How do we survive? Here are some tips:

Automobile:

• Store extra tires, wiper blades, and antifreeze in your car. 
• Buy and use a sunshade. It makes a difference.
• Never leave electronics, food that can melt, CHILDREN OR PETS in the car without the car running and the air conditioning on.
• Buy a steering wheel cover that doesn't heat up, or buy hot pads to keep in your car. Seriously, the steering wheel can burn your hands if your car has sat in the sun all day.
• Turn off your air conditioning when the interstate sign says to. Using air conditioning on that hill really will cause your car to overheat.

Physical:

• Always bring extra water.
• Drink before you're thirsty. With the dry heat, thirst indications a fairly progressed stage of dehydration.
• Dress in layers if you work inside. Buildings can get very cold with air conditioning and shocking your body when you leave work isn't good.
• If you don't have central air conditioning or a swamp cooler inside, wear lightweight, moisture-wicking clothes at home. Wear open shoes or sandals if permitted.
• If you have long hair, arrange it up and off your neck.
• Avoid peak sunshine times (11 am to 4 pm or so).
• Hike only early in the morning.
• If you must walk, walk after the sun goes down and bring a jacket in case of temperature swings. Big temperature drops happen in the desert.

Mental:

• Think positively. For example, I'd rather be hot than cold, so I tell that to myself when I'm really warm.
• Remember that summer is a season. Monsoons will come and temperatures will drop.

Any questions? Arizona friends, any advice to add? Feel free to comment below.