Some Questions are Okay...

I've received a lot of questions about my hand lately, mostly because of the new finger braces I'm wearing. Some questions are okay. (Some aren't.) And it's okay to ask about this.

Basically, my hand condition (focal dystonia) is permanent. I've got neurological miscommunication that makes some fingers contract and some fingers flex, both at the same time and at different times. I'm in my last week of occupational therapy and still doing my at home strengthening program. The finger braces are supposed to help my fingers do their jobs, especially typing, and the at home program is supposed to help restore the muscle mass lost due to botox. My therapists say it will take awhile for that to happen, though.

I wish there was a cure for dystonia, but there isn't, so I'm learning to accept it. It helps that I'm realizing there's more to life than my hand. At least I still have a hand.

So here's to coming up with concise answers to the hand questions, doing my job, being diligent about therapy, and seeing how things go. Barring a miracle, this is life, and I want to live my life, dystonia or not.

Waiting for What?

"He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."

~Ecclesiastes 3:11

I've been feeling sad lately. Sad over lost expectations. Sad because I feel lonely. Sad because I don't know what is next. I was talking to my mom about how stuck I feel right now, and she told me that she doesn't believe that this season of my life is forever. I don't either, but what's next? I don't know.

I keep reading about waiting and how I need to do it. I know that waiting is a biblical virtue, but it's hard. Especially when I don't know what I'm waiting for. Am I waiting for a house? Am I waiting to get married? Am I waiting to finish my licensure credentials? To find a new community of close friends? To find the "perfect" job? (Though I like my current job). And how long will my wait last? Forever?

Spiritually speaking, I know that I am waiting for forever, for eternal life with Christ in heaven. But that doesn't necessarily make this current life any easier. When I read this verse from Ecclesiastes, though, I realized that what might make things better is focusing on the beauty now. I don't have to wait to do that. I can see God's beauty in:

His creation
The floral and fauna of the desert
The creatures that move upon the earth
My family relationships
My friends
The kids I work with
Good food
Happy memories
The people around me

These are beautiful and good things that remind me of who God is and what He is doing in the world.

Waiting is both passive and active. It's passively being still and not trying to do for myself what God wants to do for me. It's actively trusting in, looking to, and believing on God. Maybe focusing on what's beautiful now will help me began to frame this hard process of waiting not as a search for meaning, but as a practice in focusing on God who gives life meaning. Because ultimately I'm waiting for Him to do His work, now and in eternity.

"This is All Good News"

"This is all good news." That is what the doctor said after conducting yet another nerve study of my arms and hands. I had hoped that this study would reveal the cause of the incoordination and dropsy and clenching and pain of my right hand. I even got excited when the EMG tech said my nerve responses were slow (but then he used a blow dryer to warm up my hand and that fixed the "problem").

(My marked-up, poked-up, post-EMG-test-hand)

I've been struggling with this hand issue for years now. I thought it was carpal tunnel, but then it wasn't. I went to the chiropractor. I visited the neurologist. I underwent MRIs of my neck and spine. I tried a Parkinson's medicine. I got botox. I went to physical therapy. Nothing really changed.

So when the doctor told me the test showed no cause for my problems, I felt disappointed, and angry, and discouraged. I am thankful that I do not have muscular dystrophy or multiple sclerosis or some incurable disease, but I wanted the doctor to find something wrong so he could fix me. The lack of results from my test wasn't good news in my world. 

My mom and I have a weekly tradition of walking and talking on Saturday mornings and on our walk today, she brought up Romans 11:33. This verse says, "Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!  How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!" As we talked about God and his inscrutable ways, I thought about my hand and how God says he works all things together for good for those who love him (Rom 8:28). My hand issues do not feel good. The lack of diagnostic results from my test do not feel good. But I'm not on the other side of the table. I'm not the one with the medical degree and the background knowledge needed to interpret the tests. I don't know what it would really be like to get the test and have results that pointed to a terrible diagnosis.

I think it's like that with God. We pray for healing and hope and help and other good things and we don't see God come through. Life doesn't go well and we don't feel good. But we don't have infinite knowledge. We don't see our lives as the tiny specks they are in the grand scheme of God's cosmos. We don't know how our pain and sorrow and grief and other "not good" things might fit into God's eternal plan.

The "not good" of life is hard! I am not at a place where I can fully accept a diagnosis of dystonia as the only reason for my hand issues. I get angry when I can't type well or when all the tendons and muscles in my forearm hurt from trying to use my hand. I still plan to go to Phoenix to see another doctor in order to get a second opinion. I am not happy with the "good news" of my tests.

But in the midst of it all, I still have to claim and believe in God's goodness. I have to recognize God's goodness in spite of my worldly suffering. I live in light of God's goodness, and that exists in an entirely different cosmos. That otherworldly universe is about God's glory, not just about what seems and feels good to me right now.

Afghan 54

Pinterest is a great place to find baby blanket patterns. (Find my Projects board here.) The book of patterns my friend game me has been wonderful, but something I just want to search for something new. That is how this afghan came to be.

The pattern is baby bean by Left in Knots. The stitch is a variation of cluster and is repeated row after row. (I completed about 108 rows before edging in a single crochet stitch.) For the afghan, I used most of a Super Saver Jumbo skein of petal pink from Red Heart. The finished product measured 22 by 33 inches.

As for my hand, it lets me do about three rows of crochet a day, which is better than nothing when it comes to stress relief. The last shot of botox did not hurt much, but did not seem to help with the clenching and discomfort. The next step is hand therapy with a physical therapist. We'll see how that goes. This focal dystonia might just be something I have to live with.

30 Days of Oatmeal: Curried Peanut Butter and Jelly + Afghan 48

I have a confession: I didn't eat peanut butter until age 20. And I only ate it then out of duress. I was missing far too many meals at the college cafeteria and needed a portable meal. Peanut butter sandwiches became my thing.

In this recipe, I incorporated many of my favorite oatmeal techniques: cooking oats with applesauce, mixing spices into peanut butter, and leaving my topping on top, rather than swirling them in.

I'd say this recipe was pretty successful. I liked the earthy spice of the curried peanut butter with the sweet oats and strawberry topping. I used 1 teaspoon of vanilla in my peanut butter mixture, but found it too strong, so I reduced it here.

Ingredients:

1/2 c quick cooking oats
1 c water
1/4 c applesauce
1 T strawberry jam
1 T peanut butter
1/2 t curry powder
1/2 t vanilla

Directions:

1. In a small bowl or cup, mix peanut butter, curry powder, and vanilla until combined. Set aside.
2. Combine oats and water in a small pan and bring to a boil. Reduce heat to medium low.
3. When oats reach desired consistency, stir in the applesauce. Bring all ingredients to warm.
4. Pour oats into a bowl and top with the curried peanut butter and the strawberry jam.


--

And now for a different subject: Crochet. 

I finished this afghan on Thursday. 

It took me about two and a half months to finish, but I'm happy with that time given my last afghan completion time of nine months.

I'm still having trouble with my hand. The injection of botox helped the clenching and the pain, but took away my grip strength. After the injection, I found myself unable to open a door, gas up my car, or even hold a half gallon milk carton. (I found this out when the carton fell from my hand clear to the tile kitchen floor. Thankfully, it didn't burst.) I could hardly braid my hair or grasp anything at all. My pinky stayed permanently extended. The only way to put it down was to force it down with my other hand. Thankfully, through it all, I could crochet (hence the finishing of this blanket).

The botox has started to wear off and I find my grip strength and ability to make a fist returning, but my hand clenching a bit again. I still have trouble typing. I walk and jog with my hand in a fist to keep the hand from flopping. I'm not healed, so I see the doctor again next month.

I don't know if the issue with my hand is really dystonia, or if it is something else. (My hand oddly twitches at times.) For now, though, I count the blessing of another afghan's completion and pray for strength for future days. To God be the glory.

Afghan #47 (And An Update On My Hand)

I finished this afghan today, a simple double crochet pattern from Easy Crocheted Accessories.  

This is my first afghan since April of last year, and arguably the hardest I've ever made. Why the delay? Why the struggle? To put it concisely, I've been having problems with my hand.
It all started after a restful Thanksgiving weekend of crocheting and movie-watching in November 2015. I had some numbness and tingling in my right hand, wrist, and forearm. It was a little hard for me to crochet, type, grasp, etc. Mom noticed my issues over Christmas break and told me to go to the doctor. She had struggled with carpal tunnel syndrome for years until finally getting corrective surgery.

So when I returned home to Arkansas, I went to see an orthopedic doctor and told him I thought I had carpal tunnel. He sent me for an EMG test and when the results came out "normal," he declared that I didn't have carpal tunnel syndrome and should see a neurologist if I had further concerns. I decided to let it go.

Fast forward nearly eight months to Arizona, and I still had problems. My hand clenched at odd times. My pinkie hurt. Pain radiated up my arm into my shoulder when I tried to crochet. I got to where I had to chicken peck with my index finger instead of typing with my whole hand.

Things got a little better when my place of work purchased a standing laptop desk for me. The desk inclines up, and seems to take pressure off my hand a little bit. The problems still didn't go away, though.

Once I got health insurance with my new job, I called to make an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. That doctor wouldn't accept me as a new patient without a primary care physician's referral. So I called and got accepted as a new patient at a local clinic. When that nurse practitioner saw me, she declared that I didn't have orthopedic problems, but rather neurological ones (just like the first doctor). She ordered a brain MRI and referred me to an neurologist. Thankfully, the brain MRI came back normal (other than inflamed sinuses from a cold), but I had to wait until Christmas break to see the neurologist.

The neurologist I saw is a good one. He took time with me and did all kinds of neuromuscular tests. He declared that he thinks I have task-specific dystonia, but would rule out other conditions first. He put me on some medicine for a day and a half that didn't help my hand, but did make me feel woozy and nauseous. I had an MRI of my neck yesterday. The next step is to try shooting my hand with Botox to relax the muscles and try to retrain my brain into correctly operating my limb. I hope and pray that it works. There's a chance that it won't, but if it does, it probably won't last.

On the one hand, it's discouraging to receive a diagnosis for my hand issues that isn't curable. On the other hand, it is good that the cause of my symptoms isn't more major, or even life-threatening. God has blessed me with relatively good health overall.

I miss crocheting for hours on end, but the purchase of an ergonomic crochet hook has enabled me to do a little more than I used to, and with less pain. If I have to deal with this the rest of my life, God will help me.

For those of you who wanted an update, here it is. To those of you struggling with chronic health issues, hats off to you, and I empathize, even if it's in the tiniest way possible.