Disability or Ability?

I've been to the primary care doctor, orthopedic doctor, chiropractor, neurologist, physical therapist, and a specialist. I've had two MRIs and two EMGs. I have received numerous injections of botox. The problem isn't any better, my hand that is. I wanted a fix. I wanted a cure. But I'm beginning to think this is a permanent condition.

I've always been privileged: able-bodied, smart, and pretty healthy. We didn't have tons of money growing up and I had some illnesses, but nothing was permanent. Not this. This hand issue appears that it is going to stay the same, if not get worse. I have a disability.

I've seen plenty of people operate with disabilities. They don't make a big deal of it. They just live. But me? I feel in the spotlight. I wonder what people think when they see me type fully with my left hand and with only one finger of my right hand. I have to explain why I don't play piano much anymore. I drop things. I have strange pains. My arm has atrophied and makes me feel self-conscious. This condition is embarrassing. I'm frustrated.

I can focus on what this condition of dystonia takes from me, but in some ways, it's a gift. It reminds me that I'm human. It forces me to slow down. It teaches me to pace myself. It requires me to ask for and accept help. It makes me recognize the benefits of health insurance and access to doctors. It provides me the opportunity to identify with others who struggle. I can't change the fact that my hand doesn't work like I want it to, but I can change the way I view this condition. Do I see dystonia as a disability, or an ability? My perspective on dystonia makes a difference in how I cope with it.