All The Things We Do to Be Healthy...

All the things we do to be healthy...and then find out we're not so healthy. For example, the time I went to the doctor with super low blood pressure. "Take salt tablets," she said.

What? Salt tablets? I'd been trying to reduce sodium in my diet in order to lessen fluid retention, help my hand, and be healthy overall. And now I had to do the opposite: over salt everything in hopes of raising my blood pressure without those dreaded salt tablets, which supposedly could burn my stomach.

Other things "they" tell me to do to be healthy that might not actually be healthy?

1) Stop eating when no longer hungry. I was super fatigued earlier this year and I think it's because I was eating to assuage my hunger, but not to true fullness. So now I'm eating more, not less.

2) Drink all the water. Apparently there is such thing as too much water. And too much water can also lower blood pressure.

3) Ditch the salad dressing. Actually, fat makes vegetable vitamins more accessible and digestible. Pile on the olive oil for me!

4) Exercise all the time, as much as you can. Nope! Overtraining is a thing. I took April off running to see if that might be happening for me.

5) Skip the caffeine. As with the salt, I might need some to manage blood pressure. Caffeine can help stay awake at key times, and relieve headaches. It has uses, in moderation.

In many ways, health is unique to the person. And all that the media tells us is not science-based. It's advertising designed to make us buy products that will supposedly heal all our diseases. Nothing and no one can do that, no one on earth that is. These are earthly bodies, and yes we should be good stewards, but we also need to realize that we're perishing, and sometimes the best we can do is stress a little less about health and live a little more.

Real Life Marriage: "In Sickness and In Health"

Photo by Sharon Lane

We pledged to love each other "in sickness and in health" in our wedding vows. I didn't quite realize how much we'd have to practice that. Chris got a terrible case of bronchitis a few weeks ago, leaving me to do most of the house stuff because he literally couldn't. Today, on our four month wedding anniversary, I have laryngitis and can barely speak. He drove me two hours to the neurologist to get botox for my dystonia. This is real married life, people.

Love is not always pretty. It is not always fun. It does not always mean being with the other person is enjoyable, either. I'm paranoid about germs. I hurt when Chris hurts. I wanted to "fix" his illness when he was sick, and I couldn't. Love was making tea. Love was fixing soup for dinner for days on end. Love was giving hugs and trusting the Lord with the results of my virus exposure. In all of these situations, love was a choice. And now Chris is doing the same for me.

For several days now, I haven't talked much at home in an attempt to save my voice. Chris has chosen to be with me even though I'm not good company. Chris had work today. He was the sole person responsible for a few things, yet he chose me over those to-dos. He chose to come with me and support me and hold my hand while I had needles poked into me and toxins injected. He chose to come with me to drive the two hours home afterward because I said my arm would hurt. He chose love. We both choose love.

Marriage is good. It is shaping. It is special and fun and all the good feels...at times. But is also hard and messy and germ-exposing. It is painful and more commiseration than camaraderie sometimes. But it's good and right.

Marriage is a commitment, and with the Lord's help, we're keeping ours:

...for better or for worse

...for richer or for poorer

...in sickness and in health

To love and to cherish, until death do us part or Jesus Christ returns.

What a Doctor's Visit Should Be

I went to the doctor recently for my yearly well check.

The nurse weighed me, but the doctor didn't comment about my weight (even though I've gained a bit since last year, a good thing for me!).

The doctor examined me, but didn't comment about my appearance.

The doctor asked me questions and didn't question my answers.

The doctor asked about my job. She asked me if I was happy. She encouraged me to do self-care. She didn't try to force medicine down my throat.

She gave me a hug.

The doctor treated me as a person, not a object. I felt like a human, not like a specimen.

This is how doctor visits should go!

This Mountain

As I drove back from my occupational therapy evaluation, I felt so overwhelmed. The therapist wanted me to come to Phoenix once a week for six weeks. I'd scheduled appointments, but didn't see how they could work. I work full time, or more than full time, after all.

The mile posts flashed by as I sped up the hill back to work. And God brought to mind this quote that I'd seen on Pinterest some time earlier:

I tell people all the time that self-care is important. But do I really practice it? Not really. I like to be self-sufficient and I try to pretty much take care of myself. Needing to go to the doctor so much is quite frankly humbling, and embarrassing, and at the same time probably something I need. It forces me to actually put my actions where my words are, and take care of my health. It requires me to make time for myself and prioritize my well being. This therapy probably won't cure my condition, but it might help, and I have to take the chance.

My diagnosis of dystonia may be a diagnosis that cannot change, but the way I view and take care of myself can. With God's help, the mountain of bulletproof self-sufficiency that has guided my life for so long can be move. In it's place, I hope to make a mountain of faith, hope, and love, a testament to God's faithfulness and not my own.

Walking Around These Halls

Walking around these walls

I thought by now they'd fall

But You have never failed me yet

Waiting for change to come

Knowing the battle's won

For You have never failed me yet

Elevation Worship, "Do It Again"

This hospital corridor is becoming far too familiar. After several years of making the rounds of all the doctors, I've been referred to Barrow Neurological Institute, and after multiple, multiple visits, I've received the prognosis is that my condition is chronic. This dystonia is permanent. As much as that is bad news, it is good news. I can seeking a cause for my condition and just start accepting it. Right now, acceptance looks like physical and occupational therapy. Long term, it looks like living in a new way.

I never thought that I'd have a chronic health condition at age 30. The doctors continue to tell me how "young" I am. I know I'm young and that's why I don't want more botox. But I also accept that I belong to a fallen world and that I am aging and that life will never be perfect.

I have prayed and prayed for my hand condition to go away. I have seen the inside of more doctors office than I can count. And while healing hasn't come, I can testify to this: God hasn't failed me yet. He is God over the halls of the hospital, sovereign within the walls of dystonia, and Lord of my life.

Disability or Ability?

I've been to the primary care doctor, orthopedic doctor, chiropractor, neurologist, physical therapist, and a specialist. I've had two MRIs and two EMGs. I have received numerous injections of botox. The problem isn't any better, my hand that is. I wanted a fix. I wanted a cure. But I'm beginning to think this is a permanent condition.

I've always been privileged: able-bodied, smart, and pretty healthy. We didn't have tons of money growing up and I had some illnesses, but nothing was permanent. Not this. This hand issue appears that it is going to stay the same, if not get worse. I have a disability.

I've seen plenty of people operate with disabilities. They don't make a big deal of it. They just live. But me? I feel in the spotlight. I wonder what people think when they see me type fully with my left hand and with only one finger of my right hand. I have to explain why I don't play piano much anymore. I drop things. I have strange pains. My arm has atrophied and makes me feel self-conscious. This condition is embarrassing. I'm frustrated.

I can focus on what this condition of dystonia takes from me, but in some ways, it's a gift. It reminds me that I'm human. It forces me to slow down. It teaches me to pace myself. It requires me to ask for and accept help. It makes me recognize the benefits of health insurance and access to doctors. It provides me the opportunity to identify with others who struggle. I can't change the fact that my hand doesn't work like I want it to, but I can change the way I view this condition. Do I see dystonia as a disability, or an ability? My perspective on dystonia makes a difference in how I cope with it.

Afghan #49 and Hope for Healing Dystonia

Afghan 49 is in the books (and in the mail)! I made this one with Red Heart's Petal Pink yarn. The pattern was the Antigua Throw from Naturally Caron.

As for the hand, the botox has mostly warn off. I was supposed to get a second round about a week ago, but my doctor left the practice, so I had to get a new doctor. (I am so thankful for the new doctor taking me on, as there aren't really any other neurologists in the area!) The new doctor thoroughly re-examined my hand and came to the same diagnosis: focal dystonia. He said it's possible that multiple rounds of botox will retrain my brain to use my hand correctly, but it's also possible that this problem won't go away.
I have to wait until the end of next month for a treatment, so we'll see what happens in the meantime. It's hard for me to accept the fact that this problem may get worse, and that I may need to stop crocheting one day, as I enjoy it greatly. For now, though, I do what I can when I can, thank God, and pray. He is the ultimate healer!