I Need Him.

I remember the moment clearly: standing at the edge of my kitchen, mop in hand, tears rolling down my face. Swish, swish, swish went the mop back and forth as I pondered. I had recently recovered from what seemed to me to be a life-threatening bout with the stomach flu. And as I stood there, alone in my house, mopping my floor, I realized something: I was alone, and I would always be alone. I lived away from my family. I had lost all prospects and hope of marriage. I had my housemates, but not for long, and certainly not forever. I was alone. Utterly alone. And one day, I might get sick again and have no one to call other than emergency medical services. And that really scared me.

Fast forward to now. I am not alone. God graciously gifted me with a husband whom I love and adore. I feel that I have come to need him, and though I longed to not feel alone, sometimes I hate my neediness. I always pictured myself as a strong, independent woman. As a wife, I want to be the, strong, stalwart woman who supports her man in everything and always gives all that she can. That just isn't me. I am weak. I am emotional. I hunger for connection. I need my husband.

I both preach and struggle with the idea of team in marriage. Don't get me wrong. I want to be part of the team. I just don't want to need the team, to have to depend on the team. But I do. I need my husband to help talk through theological issues with me. I need the logical balance he provides. I need his electrical knowledge to deal with house issues. I need him to unscrew hard-to-open jars. I need his affection and pursuit and care. I'm just not me without him.

Interdependence should be part of marriage. I know that. I just didn't expect it to hurt so much. I didn't expect how hard and humbling recognizing my own needs would be. But this is part of the sanctification process in marriage. This is what God has given me. My ultimate need is for Him, I must accept, and even embrace this journey of marriage, needy as it may expose me to be.