Five years. How? The years have gone by fast, and slow. Though I feel more comfortable and more secure in our marriage than ever before, I have also grown acutely aware of how very different my husband and I are, but maybe that is just part of the healthy differentiation process of marriage.
What is differentiation? Dr. Ellyn Bader (2021) defines differentiation as "the active, ongoing process of [recognizing] self...clarifying boundaries, and managing the anxiety that comes from risking either greater intimacy or potential separation." She goes on to say:
It’s about: Looking within and getting clear on what you think, what you feel & what you want/desire
Holding steady while you communicate this to your partner
Managing your own anxiety in the face of your partner being different from you &/or wanting/desiring something different than you do.
I've gone through a lot of all of the above in the last five years. My husband and I are very similar a the core. We share the same faith. We hold similar political views. We even value some of the same things. How we go about life, though, is very, very different.
I am a person of habit and routine. My habits and routines kind of drive him nuts. He does not like feeling boxed in. I value the concrete and literal. He likes the abstract and prefers to dream. I read to escape. He embarks on big, complex problem-solving projects to escape.
I rise early to accomplish my tasks. He stays up late (even though school no longer requires him to do so). I prefer to work and then play. He plays and works when he feels like it, as long as the job gets done. If I don't eat regularly, it's bad, bad news. He forgets to eat and does not overtly suffer when he does.
I struggle with certain political practices, and he is okay with them as long as the job of governance gets done. We belong to different political parties. We don't always vote at the same time, or for the same people.
I take things very, very personally. He can let things roll of his back. I experience big emotions and need to set big boundaries around them to protect myself. He suffers silently until his emotions are through.
It is hard for me to dream, and value my dreams as much as his, but they are just as valuable. I am trying to learn what it means to be a biblically submissive wive, and "the weaker vessel" while also being just as valuable in our relationship (1 Peter 3:7, New International Version). I haven't figured it out yet.
We like doing things together, and we like doing things separately. That has been hard for me to stomach. I think that I should always be available to be with him (even when I don't want to), but it is actually healthier when we each do a bit, or a lot of our own things.
My husband is a lot stronger than me, physically, even though I am the one of us with a more regular workout routine. My husband is a lot better than me, mentally, at problem-solving, which is a good thing, because I tend to cave in times of chaos. My husband can bear a lot more than me, emotionally, which is good, because my window of tolerance, no matter how much I try to grow it, is small.
I am better at organization. I keep track of things on the calendar. I make the grocery orders and do our meal plans. I schedule most of our healthcare appointments. My gifts are not showy or special. They just get the job done.
I have always said that I wouldn't to be married to myself, because there is no way that the world needs more of me and my craziness. I say that, and I also struggle with how different my husband and I are. His differences grow me, but that process is also painful. It stretches me in ways I do not want to be stretched. It rubs off my rough edges. It requires me to tolerate ambiguity and anxiety and discomfort. It requires me to become more sure of myself and my God, and to stand on my own feet.
Marriage. It's not for the faint of heart. It's for God's glory and our good. I think differences and differentiation are part of that. If we weren't very different people, well, God would accomplish his purposes for marriage another way. For us, as for me and my household, learning to navigate our differences is part of how we are learning to better serve the Lord.
References:
Bader, E. (2021, November 3). What is differentiation? Vivian Baruch. https://vivianbaruch.com/what-is-differentiation/
New International Version. (2011). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/
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