Real Life Marriage: Standing on My Own Two Feet

Six years ago, I was walking up a trail with a guy I did not know what to do with. I had reached the point that it was either get serious, or get out. I knew my heart was in way over my head, and I honestly did not know what to do about it. I'd talked and tried to express myself to the extent that I felt right, consulted friends, and prayed a lot. Nothing was moving, and I needed to let God move. Here I am today, walking the path of married life with that same guy, realizing that God has moved, a lot, and not in ways I exactly expected.

I started marriage thinking I could be a perfect wife. Even if that was not what I was thinking exactly, my actions showed that I believed I could do more than I could. Five years plus of marriage later, and God has humbled me again and again. I have a lot of pride and selfishness and rough edges that need sanding away. Marriage has been doing that for me, but often in ways that require some painful and abrasive interactions with my husband.

I started down the counseling path for myself again last fall. Life had been too much, and we decided we had to make room in our schedule and budget for me to start processing some stuff. As with all things, the drivers for me to return to counseling turned out not to the main topics I have addressed in counseling. Instead, I have been working a lot of my own self-regulation, on my own self-management, and my own self-care.

I started working a few hours less each week about a month ago, after one two many melt-downs led my husband to give me an ultimatum. It was true that I was releasing the stress of life at home, and I needed a better way. That little bit of margin has helped immensely, and I am grateful!

I started a more intensive race training plan late this summer. It forced me to stand up for myself in my own home, to say when I needed to eat, go to bed, etc. I had always expressed those things, but sometimes let them slide in the interest of trying to serve my husband (and also because of my own laziness and procrastination). The immensity of my physical needs during this training cycle has forced me to tend to myself. 

In summary, this past year has forced me to realize anew that self-care really is my responsibility. Even though I am married, I have to stand on my own two feet. Interdependence is one thing, but leaning heavily on my husband to know my needs, tend to me needs, or "fix me" does not work. Rather, it trips him up. I, in turn, become hindrance, rather than a helper.

This work of finding my way, of differentiating myself from my spouse, has been hard. I am sure it is not over yet, as Lord willing, we still have a long road of life ahead of us. I am sure there will be some hikes and climbs, as well as some descents back into the valley. While I hope that I can refer to my husband as a rich resource with which God has blessed me, I hope that I can also carry with me this ability to be independent. Ultimately, may my independence strengthen our interdependence, because two people people standing on their own two feet get a lot farther than two people with their feet tied together trying to run a three-legged race.