When You're Losing a Loved One (And They're Still Here)

I have lost a variety of loved ones over the course of my life. Some have been family. Some have been friends. Some have been friends that felt like family. Several I have lost before it seemed like time to lose them. Some I have lost while they were still on earth. Losing the people we love is extremely difficult, whether they are still living, or actually dead. Sometimes I lose people to relationship struggles and they cut me off. Sometimes the person loses capacity due to a physical health issue (such as a stroke that affects speech). Sometimes the person becomes a shell of their former selves due to a neurological or mental health condition (eg Alzheimer's or a mental illness). It's hard. It's still a loss.

In the midst of some of these losses, I received some wise counsel. "Who they are now does not take away from who they were," he said. Another time, he said, "You've done enough." Those words have stuck with me.

When I feel grief over "loss" of a loved one who is still here, I feel that I have lost all that they are/were. It almost feels worse that if they died, because if they died, I would still have those memories. Now, it feels like something else is replacing those good times. To the counsel I received, though, change cannot take people away from us. That includes both physical death and emotional/mental/relational death. We can choose what to hold onto. I am learning to choose to remember the good, and let the rest go.

As I learn to grieve people who are still here, I wonder if some of those people grieve, too. Maybe they grieve the decision that separated them from us, temporarily or permanently. If they realize they are losing cognitive faculties, they may grieve that loss, too. Or maybe they want to keep their mood regulated, but cannot. They may grieve the loss of their self-control, or even the personality they once had. They may grieve themselves.

Grief is a thing, whether I am grieving a person still here, gone to be with the Lord, or gone someone else. I can even grieve loss of my former self. Nothing can truly take away the past. I can choose to remember it. I can choose not to let today steal the joy of yesterday. I can choose to acknowledge the former good of a person, even if things are not good now. I can choose to see the person as good, even if they are not able to act good or be good to me now.

That's My Dad!

"What's your dad doing these days?" My husband's best man asked when we visited. "He's always been such a hard worker, and so busy!" He said.

"Yes," I replied. "He is retired, but still just as hard working as ever."

My dad has had two major surgeries in the past several years, but when we visited him this summer, he was still out in the shed "knocking pistons out" of some engine. He was still mowing the lawn. He was still out and about visiting people. That's my dad. He values hard work. He is super smart when it comes to engines, and mechanics, and car and truck stuff. He has always been super friendly and likes to visit people and help them out. In just the few hours my mom and I took to go on an adventure, he had my husband out and introduced to all the neighbors and their menageries of animals, as well as to many of the members of his church. That's my dad.

We all have some idiosyncrasies. My dad does, too, but after nearly losing him, and then having him experience a second surgery that could have constrained him to an inactive life, I am so thankful to witness my dad out and about living his life. What a gift from God, and thank you, Lord! I love you, Dad!

Happy Father's Day!

Eats and Empties (Week 24)

The Eats:

Chocolate sourdough bread (Jesha's Bakery)

Chunky brown vegetable lentil soup (Hummusapien)

Corn on the cob (Love and Lemons)

Loaded vegetable goulash (Meal Prep in an Instant)

Onion sauce (The Flavor of Wisconsin)

The Empties:

Fresh cantaloupe

Can of diced tomatoes
Two pound bag of shredded cheese
Celery

Box of chicken broth
Cocoa

Old garlic

Two bags of frozen green beans
One green pepper
Italian seasoning
Crispy jalapeno pieces
Jar of mayonnaise
Half gallon of milk
Frozen onions
Three pound bag of fresh onions
Container of dried parsley
Container of peanut butter filled pretzels
Five pound bag of potatoes

Head of romaine lettuce
Frozen spinach

Can of diced tomatoes
Pound of ground turkey

What went to waste:   

Nothing that I know of!

Real Life Marriage: The Honeymoon Year (Six Years In)

We finally had our honeymoon year...well, kind of. When we got married, we planned to change nothing for a year, so as to establish ourselves and give our marriage a good foundation. Instead, within six months of getting married, we bought a condo, quit our jobs, and moved to a new city. My husband started back to school for his four year degree (that spoiler alert, took five), and we lived that nose-to-the-grindstone life for most of our early marriage. Now at year six, it feels like we have finally hit our sweet spot.

This past year was not all sweet, however, and certainly not without change. It took a while for my husband to get moved to full-time employment. My parents moved out of state. We lost loved ones. The first six months of our first year sans school were hard. We navigated chores; social, political, and work obligations, and more. We didn't get to travel much. We missed our friends and family. I, at least, felt very disconnected and a bit of despair. I was not ready to give up. (I can't, after all, both because we have a covenant marriage, and because I believe in sticking things out.) I was not, however, sure if, or when, things would get better.

Somehow, though, in the spring of this year, the state of our marriage started to improve. I don't know if it was speaking up about how I felt, prioritizing date time, or the long road trips we took together, or what, but the past few months have been sweet, not perfect, but sweet.

We have dreamed. We have talked. We have traveled. We have eaten a lot of good food. God has been gracious to help us navigate and resolve conflicts more quickly. I don't think I have spiraled too far or for too long (as I have been want to do in the past). Praise the Lord, our relationship has been more good than not.

We still have our disputes, and many a thing to figure out. I continue to discover over and over again how very different my husband and I are. Change will certainly come, but we trust in the God who changes not to lead us. We thank God that, at least for a little while, we got to experience the extra-sweetness of a year together without change, and we look forward to many more years together, Lord willing.

The Last One

God often ministers to my heart through music. The day after my granddad died, the song I woke up was,"The Wise Man Built His House:"

The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
The wise man built his house upon the Rock,
The wise man built his house upon the Rock...

[And] the house on the Rock stood firm.

(Omley, 1948).

Granddad was our last living grandparent (at least on my side of the family). Losing him was sobering, not only because of his personal loss, but because of the loss of our last tie to that generation. As I considered this loss, though, I realized that it does not have to be final. We who know Jesus will see Granddad again in heaven, and we who are living have the opportunity to carry on his legacy.

Granddad read and studied his Bible daily. It was he who started our family on a read through the Bible in a year plan. Although I don't personally follow this, I did get my start on the amended plan Granddad made just for us kids when we were growing up. 

Granddad prayed, not just daily, but unceasingly. He had to give up more and more of his possessions as he transitioned into needing more and more care, but what he kept was his pictures. He would look through them time and time again. While he could not correctly name all the faces, on my last visit, he told me about how he prayed for those people. I believe him! 

My mom is a prayer warrior, having taken part in corporate prayer through Moms in Prayer for years. She still participates in that ministry, and often brings others into it. Although I am not a mom and not part of that group, I try to maintain a weekly time devoted to more intense prayer. Recognizing the link to my granddad motivates me to Lord willing, keep that up.

Granddad and Nana were married over fifty years. After Nana died in 2015, Granddad never remarried. In fact, I think he wore his wedding ring right up to the end (as did she). While I know their marriage was not perfect, they set an example of commitment for all of us who follow behind them. Staying married honors God and honors them.

There are other things that live on past Granddad and Nana, too. My little brother plays the flute, as Granddad did. My mom plays the piano, as Nana did. We have stories and photos left behind from my granddad's aviation adventures, as well as some Waorani/Auca spears he got when he met members of the tribe who killed five missionaries before coming to know Jesus. I was blessed to get the stone from the ring with which my Granddad proposed, the stone that my nana wore all through her marriage. Granddad's tidiness and fastidiousness lives on in several of us, but I will only call out myself. None of us are Granddad, but together, through all of us, he lives on.

Granddad lives on not because of any certain health or even spiritual habits. He lives on because he built his house on the Rock of Jesus Christ. Ultimately, Jesus is and will be the last one. He was the last sacrifice for sin (English Standard Version, 2016, Hebrews 10:10). He is timeless, the first and the last (English Standard Version, 2016, Revelation 1:17). Granddad's life pointed us to Him, and for that, I will be forever grateful!

References:

English Standard Version. (2019). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#copy

Omley, A. (1948). The wise man built his house. Timeless truths. https://library.timelesstruths.org/music/The_Wise_Man_and_the_Foolish_Man/

A Tribute to My Granddad

My granddad was a great navigator, able to read the clouds and move around and through storms, able to locate and set down a small Helio plane on tiny mountain airstrips. And now he’s home, the direction his heart has always pointed.

Granddad grew up an athlete. He wanted to run in college, but when that dream failed due to struggles with illness, he attended Bible school instead. He dreamed of becoming a pilot, but couldn’t enter the Air Force because of his susceptibility to bronchitis. He committed his life to full-time Christian service, believing that he belonged to the Lord, and that if the Lord wanted his dreams to happen, they would.

Granddad met my nana at a Wycliffe school in Norman, Oklahoma. He didn’t pursue her before first asking her age. Gentleman that he was, he wanted to make sure he was being appropriate in his pursuit. He spent further time with Nana at Jungle Camp in Mexico and there proposed to her. Nana’s mom, Sarah (my namesake) gave him her diamond for Nana’s engagement ring. God did provide for Granddad to become a pilot. Wycliffe needed jungle pilots and Granddad became the only pilot Wycliffe ever paid to train.

Granddad was circling for a while. I noticed in Thanksgiving 2022 when I called him on the phone. He kept repeating himself, but he was repeating over and over that we should thank the Lord. I could not complain. I knew he was slipping when he called my cell phone and talked to me like my mom, his daughter. He did not quite get details of my life right when he realized who he was talking to, but he remembered my husband's career, and that made me smile.

I saw him last December 28, 2023. He was sitting in a wheelchair in his nursing home room. He did not quite remember who I was, but I think he eventually got it. We spent the hour I was there looking at family photos. He got several names wrong, but still seemed to remember who went with whom. He noted that he liked pictures because it reminded him to pray. It was music to my ears when he read scriptures aloud from some of the cards on his dresser.

When I went to go, Granddad tried several times to lift himself out of his wheelchair. “I want to walk you out,” he said. I reassured him that it was not necessary, that he could rest.
As I turned to close his doors, I heard him say, “I guess I won't be seeing you again.” Tears sprung to my eyes. I was not sure if he meant on my current visit, or eternity, and to comfort him, I replied about the present moment.

“No, I have to fly home soon,” I said.

I knew that most likely that I would not see him again, though, at least this side of heaven and I didn't. He took a short flight home to glory on Saturday, May 31^st, after a rapid decline in health experienced the day before.

Granddad is now a citizen a citizen of heaven. He has landed and is finally home. Though I will see him here on earth no more, I have confidence that I will see after I, too, take my final flight. Granddad trusted Jesus as his Savior and in part because of the legacy he left his family, I do, too.

Eats and Empties (Week 23)

The Eats:

Blueberry babka (Sally's Baking Addiction)

Coq au vin (Recipe Tin Eats)-Made by my husband

Easy chocolate pots de creme (Downshiftology)-Made by my husband
 
Easy homemade chicken gravy (Creme de la Crumb)

Peanut butter chocolate crunch bars (Two Peas and Their Pod)

Philly cheesesteak pasta (Meal Prep in an Instant)

The Empties:

Jar of applesauce
Box of beef brother

Five pound bag of carrots

Bag of chocolate chips

Carton of 18 eggs
Frozen egg scramble (Meal Prep in an Instant)

Graham crackers
Container of Greek yogurt
Two bags of frozen green beans
Frozen lentil potato soup (Running on Real Food)
Old lima beans

A pound of mushrooms
Jar of Costco peanut butter
Bottle of red wine for cooking
Box of whole wheat penne pasta
Box of whole wheat rotini pasta

Tuna

What went to waste:   

A little bit of lettuce I had to trim off