The Cool Kid

I always wanted to be that kid: the social butterfly, the one invited to all the parties, the person everyone wanted to be around, the cool kid. To an extent, I have gotten to be "that kid" a few times now. I got to be that kid when I had my first job in Arizona post-grad school. My new coworkers invited me to the bar before our training activities, and I got to go to the social events after the training. I didn't drink, but I did partake in the activities. I said it was to get to know them, and I did, but not necessarily in ways I would have liked. Overall, I still felt out of place. I found that socializing around alcohol really was not my thing.

I have gotten to be "the cool kid" several time since then: I have been invited to multiple social events, spent time in crowds of people, etc. I continue to find that I am uncomfortable. I would rather be the fly on the wall (though hopefully not a pesky one) than the social butterfly. I would rather eat dinner at home in peace that while nibbling on hors d'oeuvres and hobnobbing with "the brass." I would rather talk to my husband or a close friend than flit from group to group. I am really more of an introvert than an extrovert.

The older I get, the less I want to be "the cool kid." The older I get, the more cool I become with being me: a homebody with a few close friends, most of whom don't live near me. I skip quite a few social events. I don't stay super long at the events I do attend. I spend most of my nights at home, doing housework, talking to my husband, and then bookending the day with a crossword, snack, and cup of cocoa. For the most part, I am cool with it.

This is my life. This is my jam. I am no longer a kid, but a grown adult, and maybe, just maybe, I am finally coming into myself. Maybe, with God's help, I can continue to be cool with that.

What I Used/What I Used Up (Week 46)

What I Used of My Meal Plan-

Breakfasts:

Instant Pot baked potatoes (Platings + Pairings)
Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook)

Oatmeal in various forms
Pumpkin oat flour muffins (Food Talk Daily)
Super simple granola 

Lunches:

Salads with options of toppings: carrots, cheese, chickpeas, Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook), shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot), salsa, and spicy ranch dressing (The Spiffy Cookie)

Chicken and mashed potato bowls with gravy (40 Aprons)
Creamy vegetable lentil soup (Budget Bytes) over brown rice (Add a Pinch)
Tomato lentil soup (Budget Bytes) over brown rice (Add a Pinch)

Dinners:

Instant Pot baked potatoes (Platings + Pairings) with toppings
One pot pasta with peas (The Clever Meal)
Pumpkin sloppy joes (Natural Deets) on on pumpkin hamburger buns (Travel Cook Tell)

Snacks:

Apples
Baby carrots
Bagels
Bananas
Brown butter pumpkin chocolate chip cookies (Handle the Heat)
Cajun peanuts (Cajun Cooking Recipes)  
Cheese sticks
Do-si-do Girl Scout cookies
Leftover Sunday morning pancakes (The Perfect Loaf)
Oatmeal in various forms
Poptarts
Pumpkin oat flour muffins (Food Talk Daily)
Roasted pumpkin seeds (The Minimalist Baker)

What I Used Up--

Freezer:

Bacon
Creamy vegetable lentil soup (Budget Bytes)
Do-si-do Girl Scout cookies
Bag of frozen green beans
Tomato lentil soup (Budget Bytes)

Fridge:

Bacon
Bag of baby carrots
Cooked chickpeas
Egg white

Head of iceberg lettuce

Pantry:

Onion powder
Big can of pumpkin
Pecans
Potatoes
Steel cut oats
White pepper

What went bad:

Nothing that I know up

What I Prepped for Next Week: 

Brown rice (Add a Pinch)Granola (Oatrageous Oatmeals)
Instant Pot baked potatoes (Platings + Pairings)
Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook)

What I Froze for Future Me:

Nothing this week!

Home

I had it pulled up for weeks, the Zillow page for this house I have never seen, never visited. This home that once belonged to other people, but now sat empty, waiting. It was not my home, but now it is home, not for me, but for my people.

My parents made it known some years ago that they did not, could not, plan to stay in my teenage home forever. (Even that was not home for all of my childhood, but it was the only home we lived in long enough for me to consider it home, the only home my parents ever bought, the only home my parents ever paid off, the only home my parents owned.) They considered selling for a while, and tried, but to no avail. Then suddenly, all the pieces fell into place. They got a buyer for their house. They moved their stuff east. They went searching, and before I knew it, this house was on my phone screen, this new home for my people.

After over 25 years of my parents being in one place, it is strange to think of this new house as belonging to my parents. Their things were not in it yet. Technically, they had yet to take possession, but it was theirs, or would be theirs. Keeping the house photo up on my phone helped my brains start accepting that. 

Change is hard. I still do not see this new state as my parents' home. I see it as my brother's home. I still have not quite grasped the fact that my parents will now be two days away from me. I am used to driving north for two hours and being at their doorstep. This new house on my screen looked empty, foreign, but change happens in stages, so I left the house up, each time I saw it, reminding myself that this is now a home, not for me, but where my people will be.

Ultimately, home is not a place. It is not the old house, or this new one. It is where my heart is, and my heart is with my people, wherever they may be. Near or far, a piece of my heart goes where they are, and maybe that's part of the reason I kept looking at this house on my screen, because a part of me was moving here, not physically, but mentally and emotionally. My family is my home, and my heart moves with them,  to this house, and perhaps to another and another, until one day we all make our forever home with Jesus.

Real Life Marriage: Standing on My Own Two Feet

Six years ago, I was walking up a trail with a guy I did not know what to do with. I had reached the point that it was either get serious, or get out. I knew my heart was in way over my head, and I honestly did not know what to do about it. I'd talked and tried to express myself to the extent that I felt right, consulted friends, and prayed a lot. Nothing was moving, and I needed to let God move. Here I am today, walking the path of married life with that same guy, realizing that God has moved, a lot, and not in ways I exactly expected.

I started marriage thinking I could be a perfect wife. Even if that was not what I was thinking exactly, my actions showed that I believed I could do more than I could. Five years plus of marriage later, and God has humbled me again and again. I have a lot of pride and selfishness and rough edges that need sanding away. Marriage has been doing that for me, but often in ways that require some painful and abrasive interactions with my husband.

I started down the counseling path for myself again last fall. Life had been too much, and we decided we had to make room in our schedule and budget for me to start processing some stuff. As with all things, the drivers for me to return to counseling turned out not to the main topics I have addressed in counseling. Instead, I have been working a lot of my own self-regulation, on my own self-management, and my own self-care.

I started working a few hours less each week about a month ago, after one two many melt-downs led my husband to give me an ultimatum. It was true that I was releasing the stress of life at home, and I needed a better way. That little bit of margin has helped immensely, and I am grateful!

I started a more intensive race training plan late this summer. It forced me to stand up for myself in my own home, to say when I needed to eat, go to bed, etc. I had always expressed those things, but sometimes let them slide in the interest of trying to serve my husband (and also because of my own laziness and procrastination). The immensity of my physical needs during this training cycle has forced me to tend to myself. 

In summary, this past year has forced me to realize anew that self-care really is my responsibility. Even though I am married, I have to stand on my own two feet. Interdependence is one thing, but leaning heavily on my husband to know my needs, tend to me needs, or "fix me" does not work. Rather, it trips him up. I, in turn, become hindrance, rather than a helper.

This work of finding my way, of differentiating myself from my spouse, has been hard. I am sure it is not over yet, as Lord willing, we still have a long road of life ahead of us. I am sure there will be some hikes and climbs, as well as some descents back into the valley. While I hope that I can refer to my husband as a rich resource with which God has blessed me, I hope that I can also carry with me this ability to be independent. Ultimately, may my independence strengthen our interdependence, because two people people standing on their own two feet get a lot farther than two people with their feet tied together trying to run a three-legged race.

What I Used/What I Used Up (Week 45)

What I Used of My Meal Plan-

Breakfasts:

Bagels
Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook)
Instant Pot baked potatoes (Platings + Pairings)
Healthy pumpkin spice pancakes (A Simple Palate)

Oatmeal in various forms
Sunday morning pancakes (The Perfect Loaf)
Super simple granola 

Lunches:

Bagels
Brown rice and lentils (Betty Crocker)
Salads with options of toppings: carrots, cheese, chickpeas, Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook), shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot), salsa, and spicy ranch
Chicken stew (Budget Bytes)

Dinners:

Breakfast for dinner: New York-style bacon egg and cheese sandwich (Olivia's Cuisine) and oven roasted potatoes (Three Little Chickpeas)
Cheddar pumpkin grilled cheese (Dizzy, Busy, And Hungry) with jicama fries (At Elizabeth's Table)

Pumpkin pizza [overnight whole wheat pizza dough (Mel's Kitchen Cafe) topped with pumpkin pizza sauce (Thursday Night Pizza), mozzarella cheese, and bacon
Spaghetti with pesto verde (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook) 
Spinach alfredo pasta (Budget Bytes)

Snacks:

Apples
Baby carrots
Bagels
Bananas
Cheese sticks
Leftover Sunday morning pancakes (The Perfect Loaf)
Oatmeal in various forms
Peanut butter protein granola from Trader Joe's
Roasted pumpkin seeds (The Minimalist Baker)

What I Used Up--

Freezer:

Bag of frozen green beans
Two pound bag of broccoli
Cinnamon raisin bagels

Fridge:

Two dozen egg cartons
Bag of baby carrots
One head of iceberg lettuce
Jicama

Pantry:

Nesquick drink powder
Peanut butter protein granola from Trader Joe's
Can of pumpkin

What went bad:

Nothing that I know up

What I Prepped for Next Week: 

Brown rice (Add a Pinch)
Chicken and mashed potato bowls with gravy (40 Aprons)
Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook)
Pumpkin oat flour muffins (Food Talk Daily)
Super simple granola 

What I Froze for Future Me:

Brown butter pumpkin chocolate chip cookies (Handle the Heat)


Chicken gravy (40 Aprons)

Praying Process Over Product

My mom told me recently that she was not sure how to pray about something. My first inclination was to tell her to pray the Lord's prayer: "Your kingdom come, your will be done" (New International Version, 2011, Matthew 8:9). While it is not wrong to pray for specific things, whether they be the desires of our hearts, or specific convictions, more and more, I am convinced that I need to pray more process than product prayers.

What do process prayers look like? Instead of praying for my man/woman to win the election, I need to pray that they know Christ as Savior. Instead of praying that I will find what I want when I go grocery shopping, I need to pray that I am a good witness. Instead of praying that my husband will do this or that, I need to pray that he becomes the man God wants him to be (Rainey, 2016). Instead of praying for a specific outcome of a situation, I pray that I am (or they are) conformed to the image of Christ. 

Are process prayers always the prayers to pray? No. Jesus prayed for specific things, like that if it was God's will, he could escape the Matthew 26:39). Specific verses in the Bible request prayers for specific things (eg Hannah praying for a son). In some cases, God even told people not to pray (e.g. Jeremiah 7:17, 11:14, 14:11). Many, many of the examples of prayer in the Bible, though are about process: prayer to be delivered from evil, the Lord's prayer (as quoted above), prayer to proclaim the gospel fearlessly (Ephesians 6:19-20), etc. Let us consider that when we pray.

For me, praying process over product prayer helps align my heart with the Lord's. It turns my eyes off what I want onto what God wants, and to what His will is. I think that is where He wants my heart, with His, and as long as he continues to lead this way, this is the way I will pray: with Him, for Him, because only he can produce the products of righteousness and salvation, the things we ultimately, and eternally need.

References:

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/#booklist

Rainey, B. (2016). Letters to my daughter. Bethany House Publishers.

What I Used/What I Used Up (Week 44)

What I Used of My Meal Plan-

Breakfasts:

Egg in an hole
Instant Pot baked potatoes (Platings + Pairings)

Oatmeal in various forms
Super simple granola 
Sunday morning pancakes (The Perfect Loaf)

Lunches:

Carrot and lettuce salads with shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot), salsa, and spicy ranch dressing (The Spiffy Cookie)
Curried lentils (Budget Bytes) over brown rice (Add a Pinch)
Instant Pot baked potatoes (Platings + Pairings) and toppings
Red bean, rice, and cheese bowls with cajun spices
Shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot), broccoli, and carrot bowls with coconut curry simmer sauce (Easy Vegetarian Slow Cooker) 

Dinners:

Chipotle pumpkin pasta (Budget Bytes)
No-knead pan pizza (Budget Bytes)
Pumpkin mac and cheese (Chocolate Covered Katie)

Pumpkin pizza [overnight whole wheat pizza dough (Mel's Kitchen Cafe) topped with pumpkin pizza sauce (Thursday Night Pizza), mozzarella cheese, and bacon
Spaghetti with pesto verde (Good Housekeeping Family Italian Cookbook) 

Party food:

Instant pot vegan chili (Joanie Simon)

Snacks:

Apples
Bananas
Cheese sticks
Healthy pumpkin spice pancakes (A Simple Palate)
Leftover pancakes
Oatmeal in various forms
Pumpkin pie Greek yogurt (Dannon)
Pumpkin spice oatmeal pancakes (Upbeet Kitchen)
Pumpkin oatmeal cream pies (Sally's Baking Addiction)
Roasted pumpkin seeds (The Minimalist Baker)

What I Used Up--

Freezer:

Big bag of broccoli
Chickpeas
Chipotle pumpkin pasta (Budget Bytes)
Coconut curry simmer sauce (Easy Vegetarian Slow Cooker) 
Corn
Two bags of frozen green beans
Pumpkin oatmeal cream pie cookies (Sally's Baking Addiction)

Fridge:

Applesauce container
Old apples
Old baby carrots
Five pound bag of carrots
Cream cheese
Carton of 18 eggs
Greek yogurt
Head of iceberg lettuce
Half gallon of milk
Onions
Tomatoes
Zucchini

Pantry:

Crushed tomatoes
Green chiles
Kidney beans
Old lentils
Paprika
Pinto beans
Can of pumpkin
Large can of pumpkin
Pumpkin pie spice
Spaghetti

Tomato paste
Tomato sauce
Can of tuna

What went bad:

Nothing that I know of

What I Prepped for Next Week: 

Brown rice and lentils (Betty Crocker)
Chicken stew (Budget Bytes)
Instant Pot hard-boiled eggs (Omnivore's Cookbook)
Spinach alfredo pasta (Budget Bytes)

What I Froze for Future Me:

Blueberries


Chicken stew (Budget Bytes)


Pumpkin sloppy joes (Natural Deets)


Shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot)


Tomato paste