Our devotional recently was about contentment. It talked about being thankful to, for, and towards your spouse instead of comparing. At the end, discussion questions asked each spouse to confess areas of jealousy and pray over them. I didn’t really have any, but then I did.
I’m super thankful for my husband and often find myself thanking God I’m married to him. But I’ve also struggled. I’ve really struggled. I’ve thought we should have things all figured out. I thought we’d communicate better. I thought this would be easier. And it isn’t. And I’ve realized I am envious and jealous.
I didn’t have expectations that I knew of coming into our marriage. But I did have ideals. As a marriage and family therapist, I’ve seen plenty of couples fight. I’ve seen plenty of people I love struggle and disagree. I knew marriage would grow me, but I guess I just thought I was somehow above the hard, or could do better than the hard. So I’ve been envying the ideal of a pain-free marriage. I’ve been jealous for the comfort of coasting a little in our relationship. I’ve been wanting something I didn’t have, a relationship I think I could or should have, but don’t.
As I shared my envious confessions with my husband, he reminded me that marriage is a process. It’s about sanctification. It’s about growth. And we’ll never arrive. He’s okay with the pain because he sees it as normative and productive, even. And he said that as long as we’re both seeking the Lord, we’ll be okay.
As I listened, I felt in my heart that he was right (and he usually is). But I still had to confess and get right with the Lord about my envy for what isn’t. I’ve realized the need for repentance several times since and had to start the process over. Being present and finding joy in the pain is hard, really hard, but it’s better than the ugly green blights of jealousy. May God give me clear eyes and clear vision to see what He has for us now, and not just in the future. May I live and love in the present, not in or for the ideal. May God use this marriage to continually grow us to become more like Himself, until we do reach the ideal in heaven and the perfect marriage of Christ and His bride, the church.
Yes. Yes. Yes. These are the things I felt too 11 years ago, 5 months in. I thought I was above the hard. It can be a difficult learning process, but grace. And grace some more. Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDelete