Christmas time last year was a season of intense wrestling for me. We started dating shortly before Thanksgiving came around, and then came all the Christmas festivities. What did we do? How did we do it? What were our boundaries? Who knew and didn't know that we'd started dating? How did we respond to the onlookers? There were so many questions! And yet the question in my heart was, "Do I love this man?"
I'd had the fleeting conviction at some point, "If you loved him, you'd do..." I pushed the thought out of my mind, thinking I couldn't possible love someone after only a few weeks of dating. But the thought kept returning. I, in my chronic anxiousness, searched for and read every article (anecdotal blog, research study, relationship column) etc. about when to say, "I love you." They pretty much all said it was too soon. And yet I felt it. And the love only grew the more time I spent with him. After the wedding of some friends last December 15th, I journaled:
I expected falling in love to be a little more sparky, a little more overwhelming, a little more...uncomfortable, I guess. But it's not. Rather, it's a deep seated settledness that this is the right person for me at this time of my life. It's a feeling of safety and security and an ability to be myself and be accepted. It's seeing other attractive people and deciding my history with this person is not worth throwing away. It's having a person in my life who I legitimately want to spend time with, and could see spending the rest of my life with. It's always wanting to learn more about this person. It's knowing this person isn't perfect and having the ability to accept it. It's believing that this relationship is worth giving up my life to make a new life with another person. It's respect and admiration and acceptance. It's confronting hard issues because this relationship matters.
But falling in love is also
fun and having warm fuzzies and sharing activities. It's inviting
each other into one another's lives. It's compliments and teasing and
silliness. It's shared dreams and aspirations. It's finding out about
each other's likes and dislikes and deal breakers. It's a commitment
to go deeper and see what else lies there.
Falling in love is a little
scary, and for me, happened a little quicker than I would have
thought. And it happened without much of a conscious decision on my
part. But it's where God has me, and I will follow Him into it.
Note I didn't write my to-be husband's name anywhere in this entry. I really didn't know if this relationship would last. And yet I knew if I wanted to walk in faith, I needed to tell Chris how I felt. The question was, "How?"
I sat on my feelings for several week, and eventually decided I wouldn't get the words, "I love you," out of my mouth quickly, so I'd better write them. So one day after church, I sat down with a pen and paper and wrote a letter. I agonized over it. I tried to explain what love meant to me. I tried to explain that I wasn't trying to force Chris into something he wasn't ready for. I tried not to have expectations, but in the end, I wrote the words, "I love you." Then I sealed up the letter and put it someplace safe. I decided to give the letter to Chris on Christmas Eve.
Christmas Eve 2018, I felt anxious. I felt nauseous. We had a big Christmas Eve party to attend, and the thought of so many people together at one time made me nervous. Add to that the fact that most hadn't seen me with Chris before. But then the letter. I thought about not giving it to Chris. But then I knew I'd just be sitting on my feelings for longer. And they were painful enough already.
So Christmas Eve 2018, after the party and after Chris came over and opened our one traditional family gift, I walked outside with him and thrust the envelope into his hands. "Read this when you get home," I said. And he left.
As he drove away, I felt relief, and yet fear. I'd just given my heart away on paper, and I had no idea how Chris would respond, or if he'd even read the letter. But I also knew I'd done what I had to do, and I had to leave it at that.
I promised myself I wouldn't ask about the letter after I'd given it. I promised myself to just enjoy the next day when Chris came over to spend Christmas with my family. I promised myself I would let him bring it up if and when he wanted. No one knew about the letter, not my parents or my friends, or anyone. It was just me and Chris, if Chris had read the letter.
Time elapsed and things felt a bit awkward at points, but I kept my promise to myself. At some point, Chris and I went for a walk, leaving my parents behind. We walked silently almost the whole way, and then right before my house, on the downhill, he touched my arm.
"Stop for a minute." He said. "I read your letter. And I love you, too."
I don't remember what happened after that. Maybe I just stood there in shock. Maybe we talked more. Maybe we hugged. Whatever the case, we eventually continued walking and made it back to my parents' house. We didn't say anything about our exchange to my parents, either, but I felt lighter. So much lighter. God continued to write our story, and as you've seen if you've read this blog long, we married this past June.
That's my love story for Christmas. But it is in light of the God gave the greatest gift of love in His Son Jesus, born on Christmas Day. It is because of Him that we ultimately celebrate and love and say to all,
Very sweet. Happy first married Christmas together!
ReplyDelete