United We Stand. Divided We Fall.

So many emotions. So many thoughts. To say nothing seems complicit. To say something risks worsening or escalating the situation. I want to do neither. What I want to do is share my heart, one of the driving purposes I have always had behind this blog. So here goes.

I am saddened. By the loss of life. By the resorts to violence. By the racial tensions and inequities that continue to plague our nation.

I feel fear. Fear for people of color I see on the streets. Fear for myself and my family as we walk the streets. Fear for the restaurants and businesses that just reopened and are now again economically hit. Fear that COVID cases will increase due to all the pressing together of bodies at these protests and riots. Fear that things will get worse instead of better.

I feel anger. Anger that our country is so divided. Anger that we're destroying ourselves from the inside out. Anger that life can't seem to get back to normal.

I see collective trauma, first from COVID and now from everybody watching not just one murder, but continual acts of violence. I see economic, mental, physical, and spiritual stress feeding protests and riotous behavior. I see media spinning stories to create reactions. I see my own paralysis in the midst of it all.

I haven't asked my friends of color what to do in this situation because I don't want to seem insensitive at best, or at worst, voyeuristic. I didn't participate in #BlackOutTuesday because it felt inauthentic. I definitely don't support racism, but I also don't feel right using my "power" and privilege to advocate for what I, as a white person, think needs to change. How do I know what people of color truly need? And if change requires me as a white person to act, aren't I just reinforcing white privilege and power? My heart is to support my friends of color, to let them have what I have, and I don't know how.

What seems most glaring to me right now is the polarization of society. Race against race. The COVID-cautious against the COVID-carefree. Cops versus civilians. Republicans versus Democrats. People versus people. People all going into their own corners and coming out with fists swinging. I keep thinking about how Brene Brown writes in Braving the Wilderness that nothing gets done when people are polarized. I see that right now. Right now, no one is winning. Everyone is losing. United we stand, and divided we fall.

People are trying to do stuff. They're asking. They're listening. They're learning. They're promoting. They're protesting. They're posting. Some actions seem like they could be helpful. Some are definitely hurtful. But the change does not seem to be enough. We have battled racism in our country for years. I would argue that a few advances have been made, but there is still much to do. The only true solution to systemic racism is for God to govern and rule, for the horizontal to be right, so the vertical will be right. But God will only ultimately rule and reign in heaven, a place that is definitely not here.

So what am I doing with all of my thoughts and feelings? To put it succinctly, I am praying. There are plenty of posts with suggestions about who to support and how to support, and if you feel convicted to act, please do so! This is not that kind of post. This is a post about what I feel is, in fact, the most powerful thing I can do: Pray. 

I have no clear convictions, so I am praying. I need wisdom, so I am praying. People are grieving, so I am praying. As I feel sad, I am praying. As I feel afraid, I am praying. I feel angry. I am praying. I see protesters. I am praying. Prayer unaccompanied by action will change nothing, but maybe if our nation collectively fell to its knees, God on High would be merciful and begin the movement for unity that our nation so desperately needs. Uniting in falling may just yet lead to unity in rising.