Real Life Marriage: Doing it All Wrong

Do you ever have times when you feel like you're doing it all wrong? Well I have been undergoing one of those epiphanies in my marriage this past year. I've been really struggling emotionally. My struggles have been amplified by the guilt I feel for subjecting my husband to the pain of "my" stuff. He has been more than gracious, but I still feel bad. As a result, I was trying to do more of my day-to-day tasks alone, and more other tasks for him to "atone" for my moods. I wasn't doing very well at it, but I was trying. And things were getting worse.

I listen to podcasts on my commutes to and from work sometimes, and one night, one comment completely halted me in my tracks. "Walking in autonomy is not only dangerous for your marriage, it is also sin. Our relationship with Christ cannot be separate from our relationship with other believers." Full stop. I was trying to "save" my marriage by being more independent, by learning to deal with my feelings alone. And I was sinning. That was not going to help my marriage.

My husband and I talk a lot about team, and after that commute home, I decided I needed to listen. My husband and I were independent for longer than we have been dependent, or perhaps better said, interdependent, as part of marriage. That means teamwork takes...work. Teamwork requires me to ask for and receive help. Teamwork requires me to actually share what is going on in my heart and mind, even I fear it may upset my husband. As he has been reminding me, my stuff is his stuff our stuff. Even when I try to go it alone, I affect us, but we are two that have become one through marriage.

I have realized, too, that trying to operate independently violates God's best for reasons beyond interdependence with my husband. When I try to operate alone, I sin by not submitting to my husband's leadership. I sin by robbing my husband of opportunities to fulfill opportunities for him to function in the role God gave Him as head of our family. Walking in autonomy is therefore not only separating me from the believer God gave me in my husband, but separating me from God's created order in the world.

I thought that I was trying to fix the wrong in my life and marriage by going it alone. I thought that it might be best for my husband and for me. That, in fact, was the wrong way to go about things. I am made for community and fellowship. I need other people to live in line with God's created order. God has given me the special blessing of doing life in unity with another person through marriage and I don't want to squander that opportunity. I've been doing it all wrong, but now that I see the right way, I hope I walk in it.