We have been married over two years now. The "honeymoon period" supposedly lasts 12-30 months, and I think we are past that. Our marriage has never been perfect, but real life is definitely hitting. "The stuff" is coming up. What is "the stuff"? You might be asking. The stuff that makes us tick. The stuff of how we are raised. Our pasts. Values that are not wrong, but that can be in competition. Stuff that can either get in the way, or has to get pushed out of the way so that we can grow stronger together.
What are some categories of "stuff" that comes up? I can think of five off-hand: family of origin, finances, false beliefs, habits, and doctrinal differences. Family of origin pertains to how we were raised. Every family has good and bad, and it starts to come out in marriage the longer we are together. We expect our spouse to act how our opposite gender parent acted. We expect that our spouse knows the same things as our parent. We expect from our spouses what our parents gave us. I have found myself inadvertently doing many of these things. When I realize that "stuff," I have a choice: keep on expecting, and get frustrated, or communicate and see what my husband can do. Telling my husband what I expect enables him to start to meet some of my unstated needs. Granted, they are needs based on how I was raised, but needs nonetheless.
Our upbringing affects not only interactions, but how we handle important things, like money. Different families have different priorities. They spend money on different things. Right or wrong, this affects the blending of families. My idea of how much money we should spend on something may differ from my husband. His idea of a monetary priority may differ from mine. We had different ways of handling money as single people, versus now. When I remember that my way is not necessarily the right way, my husband and I can have conversation about the "stuff," realize it is just "stuff," and channel our spending on "stuff" to benefit our relationship.
As the "honeymoon phase" wears off, more of our own struggles come out. I have become increasingly aware of my own narratives, the stories I have told myself for years about life, my life in particular. A lot of them are negative. They do not benefit our marriage. But as the intoxicating effects of love wear off and the hard work stage sets in, I have to fight for both love and for truth.
We have habits about everything from meals to bedtimes to holidays. We base habits consciously or subconsciously on previous experiences. Maybe we love family meals and want them all the time. Maybe family meals feel foreign. Maybe bedtime meant TV, or not. Some families have traditions. Some do not. Traditions are very important to me, but enforcing my traditions on my husband makes our family about my family. We need to form traditions for us.
My husband and I share the same faith. We agree on a lot of basic doctrines. The longer we stay together, though, the deeper we go in our personal study of the Bible. The more we study the Bible together at church. The more we explore divergences of belief. We were raised in different churches and have different faith histories. This can divide us, or provide opportunity for us to study together and strengthen our theology.
All marriages have stuff. It comes up all the time, but perhaps becomes more prominent as life becomes more "real." We are always building up our own reservoir of "stuff," too, bad habits we have gotten into, negative patterns of communication, etc. Our hope is to recognize "the stuff" before it becomes engrained, because we know as counselor Debra Fileta says, "We have a tendency to default to what is familiar rather than what is healthy." We want what is healthy. We work for it. Sometimes we fight for it because putting good stuff into our marriage is worth it.
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