There’s a Right Way, and There’s a Wrong Way.

My husband and I are in the process of figuring out how to share the messy parts of life with one another. We’ll probably be in that process until Jesus returns or calls us home. I don’t think people talk about this part of life enough, so though, for what’s it’s worth, here’s what I’ve learned so far.

Life is messy. I have a lot of emotions about a lot of things. I can try to stuff them or hide them, but it doesn’t work. They eventually come out. Therefore, it behooves me to share them. It helps if I take a few deep breaths and pray before doing so, but after that, I generally need to release. Otherwise, my emotions pile up, growing things like roots of bitterness that I don’t want to prosper.

There is a right way and a wrong way for me to share my feelings, though, or maybe I should say that in the plural: right and wrong ways. I can tell my husband how I feel, or accuse him of making me feel that way (or not caring that I feel a certain way). I can acknowledge that he might have feelings, too, or I can dismiss his feelings as I am overwhelmed with my own. I try to choose the former rather than the latter options. I’m not perfect at it, but I try.

Why share my feelings at all, though? I don’t want to just spill my sewage into my husband’s life (an analogy I borrowed from Gary Chapman’s book). I need to share because God calls us to live in community. He made us that way. In marriage, my husband becomes my closest community, so he needs to know what’s going on with me. Biblically, he is my head, too, and as he pointed out one night recently during a tough conversation, he’s responsible for my soul in some ways. He can’t care for my soul if I don’t share with him it’s state. There is also the thing of bringing truths to light. I have plenty of anxieties and fears, and yes, some of them have to do with my marriage and my husband. It’s not his fault that I have them, but when I don’t share them with him, they grow. Conversely, when I share, and bring them to light, he can help correct the lies I believe and shepherd me towards truth. That process often makes both of us frustrated, but in the end, it is beneficial.

Marriage is a growing process. We don’t have it all figured out. We’ll always be on the journey towards Christlikeness. We’re learning lots and have lots more to learn. There are right ways and wrong ways in marriage, and ultimately, we want to choose His way, because He is the Way.

Reference:

Chapman, G. (2007). Now you're speaking my language: Honest communication and deeper intimacy for a stronger marriage. B&H Publishing Group.