Managing Marital Conflict

Ah, conflict. The thing we all have, but none of us want. The thing that can drive us apart or bring us together. The thing that God can use to refine us, or that can define us. The key to dealing with marital conflict is not to eradicate it, but rather to deal with it well. Here a few principles God is teaching me towards that end:

1) Search your own heart. Consider your own role in the conflict. What have you contributed? Where have you been wrong? Deal with what God shows you before going to your spouse to resolve a conflict. If you have a log in your eye, you are unlikely to be effective to remove a splinter from your spouse's eye (Matthew 7:1-5).

2) Check your projections. Consider the issue at hand and ask if you are seeing something that is not there. Are you casting your own feelings on your spouse? Maybe you feel invalidated at work. Is that its seems like your spouse is ignoring you? Maybe he or she is not and it is just your bias. Maybe you feel shameful. Is your spouse really blaming you for things, or do you have a subjective bias. Checking yourself before raising an issue can be helpful to know what, if anything, you are contributing.

3) Pray! A friend advised me when I got married to pray for several days before addressing an issue with your spouse. While there is not always time to pray for days on a matter, there is definitely time for some prayer. Pray for wisdom. Pray for the right words. Pray for listening ears. Pray for a tender heart to receive, both on your part, and on the part of your spouse.

4) Seek counsel. I'm not recommending that you air your dirty laundry to the world at large. Rather, I am recommending that you reference a trusted friend or mentor to ask for advice, wisdom, and prayer. Sometimes you just need perspective.

5) Find some positives. Remember what you love about your spouse. Recall why you want to resolve conflict. Consider including some compliments. After all, John Gottman's research found that the magic ratio for a good relationship is 5:1. That means that to resolve the current conflict and to keep your relationship in a good place, you need at least five positive things to say for the one negative issue you want to address. That's a tall order.

I'm not perfect at managing marital conflict, but by God's grace, and for His glory, may I continue to make progress.