I love my husband. Always have. Always will. But I passed through a season not too long ago where I did not love married life. Sure, marriage had benefits. In no way was I considering divorce. We have a covenant marriage, after all. Married life just felt so, so hard, and I felt so defeated.
I preach that love is a choice, a commitment, and that applied, especially in this season. I had to keep choosing marriage, choosing sacrifice, choosing to do the hard, even if I didn't want to. That was my commitment.
In a recent sermon at church, one of our pastors stated, "Your usefulness is your holiness." That also applied in this season. If I wanted to be useful to my husband. If I wanted to stand for marriage, I had to be holy. Holiness is hard. God demands perfection after all (Matt 5:48). And aspiring to that level of holiness often hurts.
David writes about holiness in Psalm 15. He describes aspects of a holy person, including the fact that this person "keeps an oath, even when it hurts" (New International Version). That phrase has played through my mind over and over again. Marriage is an oath. Sometimes it hurts. A lot of time it hurts. It exposes my rough edges. It requires me to be selfless when I don't want to. It requires me to say, "Yes," when I want to say, "No;" and to say, "No," when I want to say, "Yes." But it's an oath I willingly made, and by God's grace, I will keep it.
I talked with my mom about how hard married life was one time and she remarked, "But you wouldn't have it any other way." I had to agree with her wisdom. Yes, married life was hard. I didn't want it to be. I didn't want the hard. I didn't want the hurt. I didn't want the pain. I also didn't want to give up my husband. Marriage was the only way to keep him.
I love my husband, and married life can be hard. The two are not mutually exclusive. Since I want to keep my husband, I have to keep my marriage. Since I have to keep my marriage, I have to keep my commitment to love. Love and the hard. I guess I'll keep them both.
I love this. Thank you for being transparent. I think the good thing about the "hard" of marriage is that it grows us in a way we wouldn't be able to if it were all easy. Just like anything in life, facing the "hard" and going through to the other side is the only way we are refined. As iron sharpens iron...it has to be hard for that to occur.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading, and for sharing. Great insights!
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