I'm Having a Reckoning.

I'm having a reckoning. I can't have the life I want, and have the control I want at the same time. I can't have time to see my friends and keep to my regular sleep and weekend nap schedule. I can't enjoy trying new food at restaurants and still get in all my fruits and vegetables and protein servings in like I do when I eat at home. I can't be productive and have all the time I want to rest. The ideal life I want just doesn't exist.

I have tried giving up some of my sleep on a few occasions. My evenings are more relaxing and enjoyable, but I feel pretty rotten in my body after just a few days. I enjoy trying delicious new sweets and eats, but too much, and they make me feel sick. All the tasks on my to-do list seem urgent. I know maybe they aren't, but they feel that way, especially when I have to keep paring back my list. No matter how hard I try, life just doesn't seem to be "right."

There has got to be a better way. Or is there? Controlling doesn't work. Letting go doesn't work. Maybe there's a balance? Maybe there's not. I think I am to the place where I think life is just hard.

I wonder if the best thing to do is just accept the way life is, look for the good, and try to hold more loosely to everything. If I could accept the the way life is, I might actually enjoy it more. I'm having a reckoning. I can't have the life I want. But maybe, just maybe, I can learn to appreciate the life I have.