Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller—Probably the most insightful book I have read about relationships yet, this book covers the many facets of adult attachment and how they play out in partnered relationships. Written by two Israeli-Americans, a psychiatrist and a therapist, this book shared research is understandable and applicable ways. The authors state that humans are biologically wired for attachment, and “dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference." The authors clearly define secure and insecure (anxious and avoidant) attachment types and give case studies on how these dynamics play out. From this book, I learned that anxious types engage in protest behaviors when attachment feels threatened, while avoidant types engage in disengagement strategies when closeness feels threatening. Ironically, anxious and avoidant types often get together, wreaking havoc in the long run, if couples do not work on it. Thankfully, “attachment styles are stable, but plastic.” The authors provide ways to both assess and address insecurity through self-assessment, self-reflection, and then effective communication with one’s partner. Knowing yourself and communicating needs for connection or space can do wonders at quieting protest or detachment behaviors. “Remain true to your authentic self,” the authors conclude. “Playing games will only distance you from your goal of finding true happiness.” Every person will be attached. The questions are to whom, and how that will happen.
Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky–It’s the book women everywhere are taking about, especially moms. It seems like it might be pro-feminist, but it’s really not. It’s not about equality, either. It’s about equity, and valuing male and female time equally in a committed marriage. Rodsky is about making marriage better, not just evening the playing field. Rodsky has a system of 100 cards/tasks to balance in a family. (Not all have to be played.) What struck me most was the idea that partners need to divide tasks and each conceive, plan, and execute their entire task. This relieves mental load and eliminates “both traps” where two people try to do the same thing, and random assignment of tasks (RATs) that can lead to nagging and bitterness. She also talked about establishing a “minimum standard of care” so that partners understand what is needed, at minimum, to call each task done. Rodsky writes with a blend of personal anecdotes, research, and stories she’s gleaned from families all over. Overall, she is encouraging families to live well, together, something which at least Americans could do more.
Making Marriage Simple: 10 Truths for Changing that Relationship You Have into the One You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt—While I didn’t agree with absolutely everything in this book, there is a lot of practical, helpful stuff here. The authors write extensively about childhood wounds, and how they affect marriage. They also talk about communication styles and how "imcompatability is grounds for marriage," and good marriage at that. Some of the exercises listed here seem repetitive and rote, but if practiced, I think they could actually work. The authors make a strong case for marriage, and make it seem possible to achieve a strong marriage. It's not rocket science, just commitment and work!
The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too) by Gretchen Rubin—Simple in theory, but revolutionary in application, this book goes into motivations and the expectations that affect action. The Upholder meets inner and outer expectations. The Questioner meets inner expectations. The Obliger meets outer expectations. The Rebel rejects them all. This tendency framework is probably to this era what the Meyers-Briggs was when it came out. It suggests responding to people differently according to their tendency (for example giving justification to the Questioner and cause, effect, and choice to the Rebel) and even motivating the self differently (eg Obliger tying tasks to people). My best friend suggested that I read this book to help me better understand my spouse, and man has it! No use fighting my husband's tendency or trying to motivate him the way I am motivated. This is a book that really respects people as individuals, and it is written so that almost anyone could benefit from it (probably because Rubin catered to all four tendencies). I highly recommend it!
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD and Nan Silver—This may be one of Gottman’s best books yet! Based on empirical research, but made extremely practical through questionnaires and exercises contained in the book, these principles for making marriage work, and work well, are accessible to everyone! This book reinforced to me the importance of softened start-ups, accepting a spouse and treating them with love no matter their differences, and acknowledging dreams, even if they are not feasible. The book ends with the “Magic Five Hours” that keep marriages strong. Couples can easily invest five hours a week in their relationships, Gottman asserts, through rituals about partings, reunions, admiration and appreciation, affection, and a two hour weekly date. Marriage takes work, but it is doable work, and the positive benefits for health, relationships, and beyond are well worth the investment!
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Readers, do you have any great marriage books to share? Please post in the comments.
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