Real Life Marriage: Sibling Spats

Thankfully, my husband and I do not really fight. At least, praise the Lord, we do not engage in the kind of knock-down, drag-out, call-each-other-names conflict I would deem a fight. Still, we have conflict, and the longer we have been married, the more of it we seem to have. We (I) get irritated over little things. We bicker. We cannot see eye to eye. Why? Shouldn't we be growing together, instead of acting like an adversarial set of siblings?

I feel silly likening our conflict to that of siblings, but in a conversation with my husband about feeling safe in marriage, he used the same analogy. "You can't just get rid of your sibling," he said. "It's safe, so you fight."

That really struck me. I think part of the reason we have so many spats right now is because we feel safe. We feel comfortable expressing all of who we are, and sometimes that means strong preferences. While we should not use safety in marriage as an excuse for unkindness, there is also room for all of us, and all of our (mostly my) big emotions. As much as I hate our spats, maybe they are a sign of growth.

We grow when we learn more about each other. We grow when we learn to communicate better. We grow when we understand better how to honor one another's preferences and needs. Sometimes spats are part of that.

Do I treat my husband solely as a sibling? No. He is my lover, friend, wise counselor, person who knows me best, etc. Framing our spats in terms of the safety of relationship, however, is helpful. Safety in our relationship is crucial to our covenant, and to our growth within it.

May we spat well. May we spat better. May God continually grow our marriage so that it more and more images Him and his great, unceasing, unchanging love for us. To Him be the glory. Amen!