Changing My Thinking

"Do I want to?" 

"No. But I'm going to do it anyway."

That's been my inner dialogue for a long time. I used it to motivate myself, to get myself to do hard things, to slog through the mundane things that really just needed to be done. But recently, I realized that it was really not helping me in the ways I thought it was. It was making me resistant. It was making me angry. Instead of pushing me through, it was reminding me that I really don't want to do the thing. So with the Holy Spirit's help, I've been changing my thinking.

"Do I want to?"

"No, no that."

"I'm choosing...because."

"I'm choosing to run these errands now because I want time to go to the running store tomorrow."

"I'm choosing to do this chore because I will experience less stress tomorrow."

"I'm choosing to put the dishes away because I would want that done if it was me coming home late."

"I'm choosing to do this work now because I accepted the responsibility of being a supervisor."

This inner monologue doesn't change the fact that things are hard. It doesn't make me like cleaning the shower or slogging through running errands in the heat. It does remind me that I am blessed to have choices, and that I have control over making them. I am an adult living in America, so for the most part, no one is making me do anything. I choose to do things, and that choosing involves choosing my thinking. I can choose to think in ways that aren't helpful, or I can choose to change my thinking to ways that are. The choice is up to me.

Maybe We Should Pray...

Maybe you've seen the memes. There have been quite a lot of them going around about Astronomer CEO the JumboTron at a ColdPlay concert caught Astronomer CEO Andy Byron in a compromising situation with his HR chief (Levy, 2025). As my husband wisely pointed out: You cannot expect to keep a relationship private when you take it to the public arena. Or as my parents taught me growing up: "Be sure your sins will find you out." At some point sooner or later, a person continuing in a pattern of sin will be found out. It was true for OJ Simpson, who was never found guilty of murder, but still ended up back in jail for another crime (Seeman, 2024). It is true for Ruth Chepngetich whose marathon record seemed too good to be true, and probably was, now that she has tested positive for a banned substance. And it's true for us (Grez, 2025). No pattern of sin will permanently go uncovered, or unpunished.

Scholars debate whether or not John 8:1-11 should be in the Bible. It is probably a true story, but not canonical (Jenkins, n.d.) Still, it has lessons to teach us, particularly verse 7 "Let him who is without sin among you be the first to throw a stone at her" (English Standard Version, 2016). I need to judge sin as sin, but I also need to realize that the same sin lives in me. Perhaps before judging others and making fun of them, I need to ask the Spirit to judge my own heart.

After discussing the Astronomer situation with my husband I felt conviction that I needed to pray for that man, too. Yes, he sinned. Yes, he got found out. But he has a wife and a family and friends and relatives. This is not a one shot take-down. This is a family that is going to struggle and suffer: a family that needs salvation and redemption. Then there is the woman and her friends and family. They all need Jesus. We all need Jesus.

Come at me if you want for maybe being too soft on sin, but you know what? God has been gracious with and merciful towards me. Jesus saved me from my sin and continues to cover the sins I continue to commit, sometimes because I want to, and sometimes because they come out of my innate sin nature. When I see things like the Astronomer CEO scandal, I want the Spirit to convict me to search my own heart, to confess and pray against sin, and then to pray for and against the sin of others, as well as for their redemption. It's easy to judge, but maybe we should pray instead of doing the modern version of casting stones and making memes.

References:

English Standard Version. (2019). Bible Gateway. https://www.biblegateway.com/versions/English-Standard-Version-ESV-Bible/#copy

Grez, M. (2025, July 18). Women’s marathon world record-holder Ruth Chepngetich provisionally suspended after testing positive for banned substance

CNN. https://www.cnn.com/2025/07/18/sport/ruth-chepngetich-suspension-banned-substance-spt

Jenkins, C. (n.d.). Why we are not preaching on the woman caught in adultery. Christ Community. https://cckc.church/can-i-trust-that-the-bible-has-been-accurately-preserved/

Levy, A. (2025, July 18).  Astronomer CEO Andy Byron placed on leave after viral Coldplay kiss cam video. CNBC. https://www.cnbc.com/2025/07/18/astronomer-andy-byron-coldplay-kiss-cam.html

Seeman, M. (2024, April 11). After 'trial of the century,' OJ Simpson spent prison time, rest of life in Las Vegas. 24 News. https://nbc24.com/news/nation-world/after-trial-of-century-oj-simpson-spent-prison-time-rest-of-life-in-nevada-death-cancer-las-vegas-robbery-case-lovelock-prison-parole-probation-bruce-fromong-alfred-beardsley

Eats and Empties (Week 29)

The Eats:

The best soft chocolate chip cookies (Pinch of Yum)-an old standby recipe that I haven't made for years!

Curried chicken salad (Savor)

Greek yogurt ranch dip (Center Cut Cook)

Pepper jelly breakfast quesadilla (Budget Bytes)

Pork stew with sage cornmeal dumplings (All Recipes)

Strawberry shortcake cupcakes (Sally's Baking)

Turkey, chorizo, and egg breakfast burritos (Meal Prep in an Instant)

The Empties:

Jar of applesauce

Ripe bananas

Bell pepper

Box of unsalted butter

Three pound bag of carrots

Two pound bag of shredded cheese

Frozen shredded chicken (365 Days of Crockpot)

Two boxes of chicken broth

Bottle of chili powder

Container of cottage cheese

Package of cream cheese

Two dozen eggs
Bag of frozen green beans

House sauce (How Sweet Eats)
Half gallon of milk

Frozen sour milk

Seventy ounce container of picante sauce

Five pound bag of potatoes

Head of romaine lettuce
Pound of pork

Soft sourdough potato buns (The Perfect Loaf)

Leftover frozen Little Caesar's pizza

Frozen Thin and crispy pizza (Budget Bytes)
Package of ready to cook tortillas

Can of tuna
Pound of ground turkey
Pint of vanilla ice cream
Zucchini

What went to waste:   

Part of the half gallon of milk soured, but I used it for cooking

Grieving the (Maybe Not So Little Things) Anew

After about nine years living with focal dystonia in my right hand, you think I would have gotten used to it. In many ways, I have. I accept, or at least am used to, my hand curling. Taking medication three times a day is routine. Oversalting my food to counteract the hypotensive effects of the medication is a regular practice. I always type holding a pen and often find pens lying around the house because I forgot I was holding one in order to straighten out my hand. But then there are times like my botox injection a few weeks ago when I realize anew the relative permanency (unless God should choose to supernaturally heal me) of my condition.

I work for days, sometimes weeks, up to my botox appointment to get everything possible done so that I can rest after my injections. I learned the hard way that doing housework spreads the botox, especially cooking and cleaning that involves repetitive movement. When the botox spreads, it not only fails to treat my condition, but makes my hand weak, so weak that I can't turn the key in an ignition, unscrew the gas cap on the car, or even clip my own fingernails. No fun, so I prep. I prep and freeze food. I do chores like a crazy women. I usually rush right up to my appointment, sliding in the door just when I am due. I liken it it to the nesting pregnant women do before they give birth, only I am not giving birth. I am receiving toxins into my body to release my muscles and prevent them cramping so hard it feels like I have wires pulling my fingers back into my skin.

I experienced a few moments of mental relief after getting my botox injections this time, but when I went to schedule my next appointment, I felt grief. I grieved the fact that I will have to go through this cycle all over again. I grieved that I had to schedule this appointment around a planned visit to a friend, as that visit requires toting my luggage around, and would therefore not be appropriate after botox, when my arm was supposed to rest. I grieved that this botox treatment cycle will be my life for the rest of my life, unless God heals me.

In some respects, these are little things. Focal dystonia is not a terminal condition. It's not cancer. I shouldn't die of it. While I cannot do repetitive motions for three days after botox, I can walk. I can run. Botox doesn't make me sick or ill overall (as do chemo and other such treatments). Other than a few tiny injection pricks and ongoing muscle atrophy from the injections, my arm does not look much different. My condition is chronic, though, and that brings with it some grief. Maybe that grief is more about the little than the big things, but it's still grief, and I am still needing to work through it. Maybe this is part of my sanctification process. Maybe this is part of my journey in practicing self-acceptance and self-compassion. Whatever it is, may the Lord help me through it, because only in and through him are all things possible.

Eats and Empties (Week 28)

The Eats:

We cooked nothing new this week, but rather ate off the Texas chili con carne (Serious Eats) my husband made last week. Eaten off soft sourdough potato buns (The Perfect Loaf) and tortillas, it was delicious (but we preferred the tortillas).

The Empties:

Avocado
Bag of baby carrots
Container of cottage cheese with pineapple
Two packages of frozen green beans
Frozen easy homemade chicken gravy (Creme de la Crumb)
Head of iceberg lettuce

Frozen easy pepper chicken gravy (Go Happily Ever After)
Frozen hearty lentil and potato soup (Hummusapien)
Fresh tomato
Watermelon

What went to waste:   

Nothing to my knowledge

Real Life Marriage: Acceptance

I’ve had some frustrations with my husband lately, well not just lately, but throughout our marriage. But you know what I’ve realized? I’m not perfect either. As much as I want him to grow and change, maybe I need to grow and change just as much or more. And maybe we both just need to accept the fact that we are radically different in some ways.

There are so many good things about my husband! He is kind. He is generous. He is caring. He is a good problem-solver. Who am I to harp on what I want him to change? And if he was able to change those things, would he still be the man I love? If he valued cleanliness and home and communication and emotions at the levels I did, he probably would have not have the brain space for the things that make him tick. And maybe asking for him to change in these ways is really asking for the impossible. Maybe I just need to buck up and do the things that I keep wanting him to do. They are my priorities, after all.

After six years, perhaps I am coming to a place of more settledness. I love my husband. I really do. Life with him is a gift from God! Sure, things are not perfect, but they won't ever be. We need to change and learn and grow to avoid stagnation, but part of that growing might be in acceptance. It might be in accepting that we really are different, and though we may grow together, we will not grow into each other. We are, after all, different people.

So here's to year seven of our lives together, not a year or perfection, but a year of further acceptance, further growth, and perhaps even some changes. May God be glorified in us, and in our marriage. In Jesus' name, Amen!

Eats and Empties (Week 27)

The Eats:

Budget-friendly lentil minestrone (Work Week Lunch)

Easy pepper chicken gravy (Go Happily Ever After)

Grilled portobello burgers with house sauce (How Sweet Eats)-Made by my husband

Indian-spiced lentil oats (Oatrageous Oatmeals)

Soft sourdough potato buns (The Perfect Loaf)-Made by my husband

Texas chili con carne (Serious Eats)-Made by my husband

The Empties:

Small bottle of barbecue sauce

Fresh broccoli
Two pound bag of frozen broccoli
Bag of baby carrots
Five pound bag of carrots
Cashews
Two pound bag of shredded cheese

Frozen cheesy ranch chicken casserole (Meal Prep in an Instant)
Big bottle of cinnamon
Fresh corn

A dozen eggs
Container of Greek yogurt
Package of green beans
Frozen grated ginger
Jalapeno
Box of elbow macaroni
Half gallon of milk
Rack of pork ribs
Four portobello mushroom caps
Two pounds of strawberries
Tomatoes
Two cans of diced tomatoes
Frozen tomato paste
Four pounds of top round roast

What went to waste:   

Nothing that I know of!

Nine.

My husband asked me the other day what home meant to me. I asked him if he meant "home" in a figurative or in a literal sense. I answered him from both perspectives. "Home is with you. Home is where my people are," I said. "Home feels safe and comfortable. Home for right now is this house."

At year nine, I think this stint in Arizona is now the longest I have spent in any one state, and it is starting to have that safe, comfortable, predictable feel. It is not that there are not risks, but that I know a little bit more of what to expect. I know that the heat hits quickly, and therefore I need to hydrate early and often. I know to watch out for cacti whose spines have more than once pierced my sin. I almost always put the sunshade in the car when I park, and I know to be careful when touching the steering wheel after the car has sat outside for a while. I know that if I see rain in the forecast, it probably won't be for the whole day, or even come at all. I don't think about when Daylight Savings will hit. I expect beautiful sunrises and sunsets and try to watch out for them. Arizona is a place with which I have a relationship, and as such, I continue to get to know it better and better.

Arizona is not perfect. It is not Eden, but it is home. I enjoy living in Arizona, even with all of its quirks. At year nine, I'm thanking God to be back here and praying to be faithful in this place for as long as He has me here.