On the Division of Responsibilities: You Can't Eat the Cake While It Bakes

On the division of responsibilities: "You can't have your cake and eat it, too" is the lesson I am learning as we seek to engage the rules of Fair Play (2021). Yes, it's great if I delegate something to my husband, but then I have to wait for him to do it, and that takes my time. Take, for example, weekend meals. It is wonderful that he has such great cooking skills and can make his own meals. It is not so great that it now takes about double the time to get breakfast on the table Sunday mornings. Where we used to be able to get to breakfast right after I finished food prep, as I made both our breakfasts at the same time, now I have to clean up my mess, cede the kitchen to him, and wait. Yes, I could do my food prep at another time, but I have not figured that out yet, and there is simply not enough room for both of us to work at the same time. I can't eat the cake while making it. If the cake is for him to make his own meals, I have to give that time to bake.

There are other ways this applies, too. Where we divided tasks he did not regularly do in the past, I have to wait for him to find his own way of doing them. When they are tasks I have traditionally done, I either have to use kind words to ask for him to make adjustments to the way he would do them, or allow him to do them in whatever way he finds to do them, usually some of both. The process of finding new rhythms and routines is just that, a process.

I have a tendency to be critical, controlling, and persnickety. That is one of the many reasons why I have done so many of the household tasks for so long. If I did them, I could do them my way, on my time. But that was not getting us anywhere, so here we are, trying to form a new way, trying to bake a new cake, so to speak. And dang it, you can't eat the cake while it bakes (and if you try, your mouth will get burned). I guess I will just have to sit back and watch the process. Or maybe I will just step away from the heat of the oven and go do something else. The process will still happen.

Reference:

Rodsky, E. (2021). Fair play: A game-changing solution for when you have too much to do (and more life to live). Penguin Publishing Group.

Fair Doesn't Mean Equal: A Reprise

We are currently in the midst of a home renovation project. Am I doing a whole lot to help? Nope, not really. Is my husband doing the bulk of the labor? Yes, yes he is. I blogged about fairness and equality way back at the beginning of our marriage, and now the lesson comes again: Fair doesn't mean equal. 

I take care of quite a few everyday things around the house. I plan meals, do the majority of the grocery shopping, handle laundry, etc. I like doing these things, and I think it's part of my job as a supportive wife. My husband could do more of these things, and probably would, if I asked him, and if he had time. Generally, though, these are my tasks.

I sometimes get frustrated about all the things that I do around the house. It's not right. It's not godly. It's not admirable, but it's true. And then times like these come. My husband has worked most of every day, for days on end, at this project. I try to help in areas that I can, but those areas are very few. The work is far from equal or fair: He pulled out all of the flooring by himself. What did I do? I asked my mom to help me walk the removed flooring to the garbage. My husband put in the new flooring all by himself. What did I do? I moved a few things to try to make it easier. He has the knowledge and expertise for this project (know how to tap off a new water line for an ice maker anyone?), and I don't. He also has the strength. (How many trips did it take my mom and I to carry flooring to the garbage? Probably double or triple what it would have taken him. And I am incapable of moving or carrying appliances.) So I've been resting, encouraging, asking where I can help, and trying to stay out of the way. Although this is a project for us as a couple, it is mostly his project to do. In the moment, it is neither equal or fair.

Fair doesn't mean equal. Relationships have seasons. The weight of tasks come and go. This is one of many reasons commitment matters. Over time, things generally even out. If I take all the little things I do and stack them up against the hours my husband spends on big projects like this one, maybe, just maybe, things are fair or equal. In the moment, though, things can seem anything but fair, and that takes some working through. I am seeing that right now, and I hope I remember this lesson for the future, too.

Who's Being Unfair?

I woke up the other day feeling so tired and worn out. Life felt so unfair, like it was always throwing at me more than I could handle. Like I had too many responsibilities and too much to do. But then I felt the Still, Small Voice speak: “If you’re saying life’s unfair, who’s being unfair? God?”
I was immediately convicted. Oswald Chambers writes in My Utmost for His Highest, “To discuss or deliberate over spiritual matters when God calls is inappropriate and disrespectful to Him” (December 22). I have so, so many of the things I’ve always wanted, and I need to be thankful, so thankful. But I wasn't. And in telling myself life was unfair, I was debating God and his denying His goodness. I don’t want to do that. “Belief is not the result of an intellectual act, but the result of an act of my will whereby I deliberately commit myself,” Chambers later writes. So if I believe that God is good, I need to make a commitment to acknowledging and stop believing the lies. If anything is unfair, it was the sacrifice of Christ’s life for mine. What I deserve is death and damnation. Yet God was merciful and offered Jesus to pay my for sin. That is reason in and of itself to be eternally grateful!

So in the strength of the Spirit, I’ll go in believing. I’ll go on trusting. I’ll start, by God’s grace, giving thanks and being grateful more. I believe. May I, by the Holy Spirit’s power, will my thoughts and actions to align.

Real Life Marriage: Fair Doesn't Mean Equal.

Photo by Sharon Lane

"Fair doesn't mean equal." I first read this phrase in a book by Dr. Ross W. Greene, a book about parenting. I had no children, so I didn't really apply it to my life. But then I read something on Paige Schmidt's blog about how marriage is never 50/50. The longer I have been married, the more I realize this is true. We can love each other and have a fair and equitable relationship without things being exactly 50/50. Let me elaborate.

Sometimes I do all the cooking. Sometimes he does more. Sometimes I clean the house. Sometimes he joins in. Sometimes he has to do house maintenance and I don't have the expertise to help. Sometimes I work more at my job and he works less. Sometimes I'm the one holding down the home fort while he runs around putting out fires. Sometimes I do the grocery shopping. Sometimes he does. Sometimes I pray before our meals. Sometimes he leads. I can get frustrated or resentful or bitter when things seem "unequal," but in the end, marriage is not all about equality. We believe in the equal worth of one another, but equal tasks just don't work out.

Gender roles come into play somewhat when it comes to things that need to be done in our family. Certain things just work better based around skills or abilities and likes or dislikes. I like to grocery shop and do laundry (within reason!), so I tend to do those more. He is better at directions and driving and tech stuff and house maintenance. So when he can, he does those things. But tasks and the time committed to them vary. And sometimes we just have to do something we aren't good at because it has to be done.

Gender comes into serious play when it comes to our marital roles, however. Biblically, his job is to lead. Mine is to submit. His job is to fight for and protect our family. Mine is to support. So when it comes to "menial labor" jobs, yeah, I might sometimes do more, but that's because that's my job. I in no way want the job of being the face of the family and making all the big decisions. There's a whole lot of accountability to God in that! I do not envy my husband's responsibility for our family.

Above all else, I think service is the most important concept when it comes to "balance" in our marriage. Christ is the ultimate example of that. When I remember that love is means service, I am less likely to feel slighted when we are in a season of me doing more of something. I serve because Christ served me, not because I am expecting something in return. I serve because that's my bibilical role. And I am accountable to God for that! Life isn't all about equality. 

Fair doesn't mean equal. That's true in life, and in marriage. Our marriage is fair because we value and love each other and put Christ first. That's the end of the story, and the ongoing story.

To God be the glory.