Ugly.

I generally try to present my best self on social media. I prefer pictures where my hair looks at least half done, makeup covers my blemishes, and I'm smiling. But that's not real life, friends. Some days, plenty of days, I barely comb my hair, have a face covered in acne, and am still wearing PJs or workout clothes by midday. I wouldn't say those things make me ugly, though. What makes me ugly is my heart.

People often think I'm a "nice girl" or a "goody two shoe" because I'm a rule follower. But guess what? My heart can be evil and wicked. I envy. I wish harm to people. I gripe. I moan. I discourage. I don't pray. I grasp for control. I worry. I curse. People don't always know all this, because these things generally happen inside me, but these sins are ugly. And often I act ugly. I have a short temper. I get easily irritated. I speak unkindly. I'm pessimistic. I'm not  or good company.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (New International Version) That is certainly true of my heart without Jesus. It is only because of Jesus and the redeeming work of the Holy Spirit that there is anything good in me. It is only because of being in Christ that I am metamorphosing into a new creation (2 Cor 5:17). 

I do want to be beautiful. Let's be honest, I want to be beautiful on the outside, but I recognize that is only superficial. What the Spirit within me desires is that I cultivate inner beauty, because that is what lasts. And so in a spiritual sense, I also want to be beautiful, to have a "gentle and quiet spirit" instead of worry and envy and discontent, to be brave and "not give way to fear" (1 Pet 3:4, 6). Because as I do these things, the ugliness of my heart fades, allowing the beauty of the Spirit to shine. And that is true beauty, a kind of beauty that lasts!

Dismissing Compliments

"You're doing a good job," my supervisor told me.

"Yeah, and now I need to get well." I replied. (I've been feeling under the weather for awhile.) I've been waiting to hear those words of affirmation at work, and then I totally dismissed them! Why did I do that?

I am a perfectionist, and I work hard. I want affirmation. I often get fussy when I feel undervalued or underappreciated. Realizing how I dismissed this comment makes me ask, questions of myself, however. "Do I really recognize it when people give me approval? Or do I blow it off?" If I'm blowing people off or discounting what they say, who am I complain? They're giving me what I've asked for, and I'm dismissing it.

When I think about my relationship with God, I wonder if I treat him the way I sometimes treat affirmation. How many blessings of God do I dis-acknowledge or dismiss? Meanwhile, I complain about what God hasn't given me. No good! That doesn't honor Him or benefit me.

So here's to reopening my eyes and my ears, to recognizing and acknowledging compliments when given. To appreciating God's gifts and complaining less. After all, Philippians 2:14 says to "do all things without complaining" (New King James Version, emphasis mine). I've got a ways to go on that one.