Toward More Authentic Living

I read a lot: blogs, books, signs, cereal boxes, you name it. It's a hobby, I guess? Lately, the topic of intuitive living has crossed my path more times than once. (See "How Eating Intuitively Helped Me Live More Intuitively" by Alexis Joseph, "How Intuitive Eating Changed My Life" by Kara Lydon, and "Movement vs. Exercise" by Robyn Nohling.) Then I read this in Present Over Perfect: 

The fact that numbing becomes a lifestyle hit me. I realized that numbing is the way I've been living my life, not intentionally, maybe not even purposefully. Numbing is a coping tool, a way of surviving, a way of getting through. But it's not a way of thriving.

Some of you might remember my birthday goals post from May and how I wanted to improve my life by eating satisfying foods, sleeping better, and moving in ways that feel good. The purpose of those goals was to learn to love myself and my life better. I'm realizing now that those goals were signs of me wanting to know myself, to really live out and engage in life. Somehow, I've just been going through the motions.

I've had moments of joy and excitement and fun this past year, but it's also been a hard year, one of not knowing myself or where I fit, one of struggle, one of new (and to be honest, scary) opportunities. I've spent a lot of time trying to live up to the expectations of others and of myself.

I've been living completely by myself these past two weeks, staying in a hotel for work training. The first few days of that experience were rough, but then I started asking myself, "What do I need to get through this day?" and I tried to give that thing to myself without judgment. Doing so often meant sacrificing money, or time, or my own ideals about life. But you know what? I did better. I was more present. I felt more like myself. I felt a lot, to be honest: emotions, pain, bodily sensations, etc. But I realized that I wanted to live more of life this way, to embrace the joys and the struggles of life, to be me, and not the ideal self that others or my own self wants me to be.

Have I got this authentic living thing figured out? By all means, no! I'm just on the cusp of the journey. But I want to work this thing out. I want to be myself and let opinions and judgments and obsessions and compulsions go. And I want that for other people, too, to get rid of labels, to live truly and with integrity, to relate to others in real ways. Living authentically is going to be painful, but I'm choosing to embrace that in hopes of more fully embracing the joys in life that are to come.

Perfectionism, Rejection, and Authentic Living

I waited over a year for this opportunity. I attended multiple trainings, underwent a background check, and even sat through an interview process in order to get accepted. And now, after just a few times of serving, I asked to be taken off the list. I felt so shameful in doing so.

I wrote a few months ago about the rejection of children's church service and the pain of growing. And now here I am again. I don't know if children's ministry is not for me, or if this is just not the season. But for now, after receiving a, "Yes" to service from the church, the answer to my availability is, "No."

I wanted to justify myself today when I asked to be taken off the church ministry schedule. I wanted to give a reason for my request that would make sense. But I realized that the children's minister didn't need my explanation. She needed honesty and forthrightness and that was all.

But I didn't fully understand my own decision. I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible and ashamed of myself for "resigning." God graciously brought me into the book Uninvited by Lysa Tykeurst this afternoon, however, and specifically to these sentences:

"This rejection doesn't mean I'm [whatever negative label or shame-filled feeling you are having], it makes this [opportunity] [person] [desire] a wrong fit for me right now. Instead of letting the feelings label me, I'm going to focus on God and His promises for good things." (p. 132).

All of a sudden, I had this realization that the shame I feel is a product of rejection, not the rejection of the church, but rejection that stems from perfectionism. The perfectionist side of me says that I have to be all things to all people. The perfectionist side of me asks why I can work with kids at my job five days a week and not add on a day of service at church. The perfectionist side of me condemns me for my lack of endless energy. The perfectionist side of me creates guilt and shame when I rest.

But guess what? I'm human. I'm not the Energizer Bunny. I can't be perfect, and I need to be honest about that, instead of ashamed of it. This is the real me, the me who needs to say, "No," right now. The me who needs to do less in order to focus on GOD, and what He sets before me to do. The me I need to learn to accept, instead of reject.

This is raw. This is real. This is hard. But this is authentic living.

What's Wrong With Church is Me

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I wrote recently about my struggles with church. I was writing about the church corporate, as well as some of the individual churches I've been and am a part of. I could church hop and try to find a church with which I don't struggle, but as Oswald Chambers so aptly wrote, "The day we find the perfect church, it becomes imperfect the moment we join it." That's what I didn't write about in my first post. I didn't write about what's wrong with me. Because I am part of the problem.

So what's wrong with me as part of the church?

I'm judgmental. As much as I want grace and peace and understanding, I don't always give it. I fail to speak the truth in love. Instead, I speak the truth passive-aggressively, or with barbs or manipulation. The truth of the Bible is the truth. Don't get me wrong. But there is a way to speak it in a kind way. Jesus did that. I need to be more like him.

I tend to be a silo. I don't always like meeting or greeting new people. I tend to stick with those I know. And people like me are what makes the church unwelcoming. I need to practice more hospitality.

I burn rather than build bridges. I am slow to forgive. I sometimes feel that I need to assert my way instead of listening to what others have to say. I need to be slower to speak, and as a result, slower to anger and more likely to build relationships.

I act like I have it together, and I don't. There are places and times for boundaries, but as Juli Slattery wrote in a recent book of hers I read, we need to be authentic with discernment. That means not leading people to believe things that are not true. I don't often intentionally mislead people, but I think people believe I have it more together than I do. That is maybe partly their perception, but also partly what I give off. I need to work on being more genuine.

I don't serve, and I don't always support those who serve. There are times and places for service and rest, but we're all called to do something to support the body, even if it's just praying. And we are called to respect and support and encourage those who serve. I do not always do that, either.

There are probably many other problems with me as a part of the church. I am a sinner. I have a responsibility in that. As Bob Goff writes, “If you try out yet another new church, all that will happen is that you will simply encounter as much trouble as you found in the last one. There is nothing wrong with your spiritual environment, but there is something desperately wrong with you. If you fail to correct that, you will be a spiritual tramp all the days of your life” (p. 144). I don't want to be that.*

But grace. God's grace. God's grace saved me. God's grace sanctifies me. May it continue to grow me so that I am less and less of a problem in the church. And may the church grow increasingly into what God intended until his final, perfect kingdom comes.

*Let's be clear. There are good reasons to leave a church, like heresy, or poor theology, or scandal. I don't think that is what Goff is talking about here. I think he is talking about leaving the church for more "superficial" reasons.

Authentic Living: Makeup

My parents bought and allowed me to wear makeup after I turned 16. For a while, I was ascetic and didn't use it. Then I really got into the light blue eye shadow and the glitter. As a senior, my friend showed me how to wear liquid foundation and I enjoyed Thursdays, the day I didn't have early bird and could spend more time on my hair and makeup. Next came college, when I wore makeup most of the time and usually only didn't wear it when I felt crappy about myself.

Fast forward to my early work days and then a Mary Kay party that taught me how to better care for my skin, and how to best apply foundation (with a brush, hello!). But somewhere in there, I stopped liking wearing makeup so much. I felt self conscious that makeup would make my face look splotchy, like in this photo:

In grad school, I only wore makeup and dressed up on days that I had clients. I believed they would respect me more if I did. On days I didn't have clients, and on church days, I skipped the makeup. Slowly but sure, I wore less and less. I got to where I didn't want to wear makeup, where I felt inauthentic wearing it. But I wore it anyway.

This past year, I wore makeup every.single.day to work because I worked with high schoolers and thought I needed it to show that I was older and more mature than them. I really hated it. Towards the end, I started just wearing mascara, cover-up, and a little bronzer, and it felt right.

My mom and I had a discussion that wearing no makeup at all seems very noticeable (since makeup is a societal norm), but that maybe I could wear less. So I've continued on with the foundation as a cover up under my eyes and on red spots, a little bronzer, and my favorite Maybelline mascara. With this heat, less makeup has been a blessing, as foundation isn't dripping off my face or smearing on my phone or getting any other place it shouldn't be.

Might my makeup tastes change? Yes, and they probably will. But that's okay. For the present, this is me, where I am, and the makeup I wear.

Shades of Gray

I'm so tired of the polarization of society. I'm so tired of hearing people labeled as saints or Satan. Seriously! Can't we see that life exists in shades of gray? People are not all good or all bad! We are all created in the image of God, and all of our hearts are deceitful (Jer 17:9).

If I channel my Brene Brown and reflect on her book Braving the Wilderness, I'd say that the root issue of this polarization of society is fear. It's easier to pigeonhole people and label them than it is to accept that people are fallible, that they might disagree with us, that we might disagree with them. It is easier to see people as stagnant than as capable of growth, because then we might have to grow. 

Truth always exists, and there is a place for confronting lies and telling things like they are. But seriously, can we not let some things go?  I'm not saying we all have to agree. I just wish we could all get along and have some grace and appreciation of one another and our differences. I wish we could be authentic and genuine with one another without fear of recoil or backlash or getting sued for goodness' sake!

As a former black-and-whiter, I still have strong beliefs and preferences, especially when it comes to my faith in Jesus for salvation. But I don't want a Bible-basher, a polarizer, a labeler, a pigeon-holer. Rather, I want to see people as the intricately wonderfully created people they are, people capable of good and evil, people capable of growth and change and redemption. 

I know who I am. I know Whose I am. I don't need to be afraid. Because of that, I'm making an effort to see people in shades of gray,and the world in shades of color, for much of the beauty of life lies there.

I Just Couldn't Do It

I'm normally one to persevere, to keep going when it hurts, to do the max I can. But last week, I just couldn't. I had some stomach pains after lunch, and when I went to go to my next activity, the more I moved, the more I hurt. The more I hurt, the more I got hot and cold flashes. The more temperature changes, the more nausea. I could hardly move at times and rated my pain at a 10/10 in some moments. I didn't know what to do. I was with kids and didn't want to make a scene, but I wasn't moving like I should to coach and guide them. 
I wasn't supposed to leave the other adult alone, either. I thought I might need to go to the bathroom to throw up, but couldn't figure out how to make it there without crawling, and that would be a scene.

Eventually, another coworker arrived and I told her I wasn't feeling well. I told her I thought I needed to go home and asked if she could stay. It was embarrassing. I hate to admit weakness. The kids got upset and I felt like I was letting them down. But I really had to go.

I still feel embarrassed and sheepish and weak, but you know what? That's life. Real people get stomach pains sometimes. Real people have to leave work sometimes due to illness. Real people have to admit when they can't do it anymore.

This experience wasn't fun. It was painful in many ways. But it was real, and isn't that the journey I'm on? Authentic living in sickness and in health, I guess.

I Cried At Work.

Maybe it's because I was tired. Maybe it's because my buttons got pushed. Maybe I was hungry. I don't totally know why, but I cried at work.

And you know what? I'm not sorry about it. It shows I'm human. I have a heart. I think I handled myself as professionally as I could in the immediate situation. Then I let my tears out with my supervisor. What's more, I cried again when the issue came up again. And I'm going to choose to be okay with it because I feel.

A lot of people think I'm strong and have it all together. I do try to hold it together as much as I can, but ask those closest to me and you'll hear that I fall apart. Like majorly. So as much as this hurt, maybe it's a good thing that I cried at work. It shows that I'm integrating my true self into what I do both inside and outside of my home. I see at as a sign of growth, a sign of moving towards more authentic living, which is what I want, painful as it may be. (See Brene Brown's work for more on vulnerability.)

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

Feeling the Feels

"No pain, no gain." I think that's the way of authentic living. But man, does it hurt.

I'd venture to say that these fast few years have been some of the hardest and most painful I've had. Why? It's not necessarily because the worst things in the world have happened to me, but because I've actually felt the grief associated with church changes, the fear associated with family struggles, and the terrible sadness associated with world tragedies. I now work in a career where I have to feel the feels all the time in order to be present, and it's an exhausting and hard task.

In the past, I used to think that strength was forcing down the feelings and keeping on. Now I think it's feeling the feels, being honest about them, and choosing to go on. And although I don't like it, I think I'd make the argument that feeling the hard stuff, voicing it, and figuring out how to acknowledge it and integrate it into my life experience is actually what makes me stronger. But it's still no fun.

Nikita Gill wrote, "Let it hurt. Let it bleed. Let it heal. And let it go.” When wounds bleed, the blood washes away toxins and brings fresh oxygen to help the wound heal. I think it's the same when I feel the pain of suffering. I can actually learn from it and let it go. This new ways of living feels dangerous, but no good things or important lessons seem to come easy....

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.

The Great Big Burrito Search

Some of you probably saw my recent Instagram post about digging Mexican food. Yeah, I've been craving it lately. But I'm also on a personal mission to find the best burrito in town.

Before you get too excited, I should clarify that I'm pretty picky about my burritos. I want a bean burrito without cheese. (I like cheese, but not with beans.) I don't label myself vegetarian, but I'm not a big fan of meat, or the spices used on meat at Mexican restaurants. So I'm looking for a bean or vegetable burrito. I like avocados, but only in chocolate banana pudding, so hold the avocado and guacamole. (Plain avocado tastes soapy to me.) Enough criteria? Okay, okay. Moving on to the burritos, here I'll review each burrito's ingredients, tortilla, price, and overall flavor. Then I'll give a star rating. I am a BIG fan of salsa, so restaurants with good salsa get extra points!

1 star: Blah. I wouldn't go here for a burrito again.

2 stars: Okay, but not overly flavorful, or having some off-putting element 

3 stars: Getting there, but lacking some of my favorite flavor components.

4 stars: Yum! I'd go here again.

5 stars: The perfect veggie burrito. (I'm not sure this exists.)

Bean burrito (no cheese) at Garcia's (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans inside the tortilla, topped with red enchilada sauce and a side of lettuce and tomato.

Tortilla: Run-of-the-mill food service.

Price: Don't remember, but I thought it was too much.

Flavor: Lacking. I took most of this home to doctor up. After adding chili powder, garlic powder, onion powder, and more salsa, it was decent.

Overall: 1 star

Bean burrito (no cheese) at Oliva's Mexican Food (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans inside the tortilla, with red enchilada sauce on top and a side of lettuce, tomato, and an olive.

Tortilla: Likely traditional food service. Large and soft, but nothing special.

Price: $7.50 for an a la carte burrito

Flavor: Decent when I added salsa.The beans were a bit liquidy, though, and the enchilada sauce was too plentiful.

Overall: 2 stars

Bean burrito (no cheese) at Plaza Bonita (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans inside the tortilla, with red enchilada sauce on top. I asked Dad for his pico de gallo, too.

Tortilla: On the small side and tough enough to have come from a store-bought package.

Price: I don't know. Dad paid for this burrito as my birthday dinner.

Flavor: Great!

Overall: 3 stars for the burrito, but knocked down to 2 stars because of poor service. If I ordered this again, I'd order to go.

Vegetarian burrito (no avocado or olives) at Cafe 51 (Ahwatukee, Arizona)

Ingredients: Lettuce, tomatoes, chopped bell peppers, and cilantro, with sides of sour cream and salsa

Tortilla: Not homemade, but extra-large, flaky, and soft

Price: $6.39

Flavor: Excellent, given that this burrito contained no beans. The cilantro balanced perfectly with the veggies.

Overall: 3 stars

Vegetable burrito (no guacamole) at Alfonso's Mexican Food (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Rice, beans (refried with a few whole pinto beans), green pepper, onion, and pico de gallo).

Tortilla: Definitely homemade, or at least cooked fresh on the grill! Thick and hearty, but a bit crispy in places.

Price: $4.95

Flavor: A little bland, but authentic. The peppers and onions were crisply sauteed, which I appreciated.

Extras: Salsa bar with red and green enchilada sauce and three types of salsa, plus radishes, limes, and pickled carrots and peppers.

Overall: 4 stars

Veggie burrito at Riliberto's (Prescott Valley, Arizona)

Ingredients: Refried beans, rice, lettuce, tomato, and some kind of sauce (possibly avocado based, but I didn't mind it).

Tortilla: HUGE! (I could only eat half of this burrito). Probably food service.

Price: $5.99

Flavor: Excellent! The sauce added good flavor and the balance of fresh lettuce and tomatoes to beans and rice was excellent.

Extras: Salsa bar with red and green salsa, a green sauce, and a creamy red sauce, plus some pickled vegetables. I went back probably five times for more.

Overall: 4 stars

Veggie wrap (no avocado) at Sweet Potato Cafe Restaurant (Prescott, Arizona)

Ingredients: Black beans, tomatoes, lettuce, spinach, and chipotle sauce. This isn't technically a burrito, but it had similar ingredients. 

Tortilla: Factory made, but soft

Price: $7.99

Flavor: Not a traditional bean burrito, but great as a wrap

Extras: Served with excellent sweet potato fries!

Overall: 3 stars as a burrito, 4 stars as a wrap

Veggie burrito at Los Taquitos (Ahwatukee, Arizona) 

Ingredients: Super smooth refried beans and rice (mixed together) with tomatoes, peppers, onions, potatoes, cilantro, and pico de gallo.

Tortilla: Possibly homemade. Soft and yummy where wrapped around the burrito, but a bit hard on the edges.

Flavor: Excellent! I didn't even need to add salsa.

Extras: The red and green sauces pictured were spicy and bitter. Luckily, I only tried them on the end of my burrito, and the burrito itself tasted better without them.

Price: $5.00

Overall: 4 stars

Winner so far? Alfonso's!

Arizona friends, what other burritos do you recommend I try?

Coming Home

“He called a little child to him, and placed the child among them. And he said: 'Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'”

~Matthew 18:2-3

I made the decision to move back Arizona a little over two years ago. On faith, I decided to pack up and leave, without a job, relationship, or a place of my own to go to. It has been a rough several years, but despite all the twists and turns of life, I feel like I'm finally coming home.

Coming home in a lot of ways looks like becoming a child again. I live with my mom and dad. Little brother was home for awhile. Though Mom and Dad treat me as an adult and respect me, we are once again making family memories over kid things like meals and grocery shopping and hiking.

I am regularly engaging in kid activities in my daily life. I ride bikes with a kid every other week for work. I went kayaking for the first time in 20 years a few Sundays ago. This year, I hung out with horses for the first time since I moved home. I do a lot more art. The things that mattered to me as a kid (and even some that didn't) are suddenly coming back into my life.

My relationship with my body has had its fits and starts, but I feel like I am becoming more comfortable in my own skin. I've become un-vegetarian since moving home and eat a lot more “fun food” because it's available. I now enjoy pizza most weekends, a favorite “kid food.” I wear yoga pants more than jeans, and that's okay, both with me and with work. Yoga pants/leggings were my favorite attire growing up, and they are becoming so again. Why not wear comfy when I can?

When as a child, I first told Mom what I wanted to do with my life, she told me that she couldn't see me sitting behind a desk. I got a little upset, but she was right. My job has been hard, but I feel like I'm finally starting to own it. I play with kids A LOT, and it's fun. My employer embraces atypical services and that's a good thing for me. Hard as this job may be, I feel like I'm doing what I was designed to do since I was a child: helping people.

Brene Brown writes, “We can't selectively numb emotion. Numb the dark and you numb the light.” Children generally don't know how to numb. They learn that “skill” as they experience trauma and hardship and disappointment. They start to tune out life as a means of survival. God doesn't want us to live like that. He wants us to live out of faith and trust and a belief that He is good and that there is good in the world created. He wants us to celebrate the good amidst the bad.

I've been “home” for almost two years, but I feel like I'm finally coming home, home to myself and to the person God created me to be. The highs are high and the lows are low, but I am finally feeling them and integrating them into my existence. God is bringing me to a place of more authentic living, to increased reliance and dependence on Him, and that is where I need to dwell. Praise be to Him!

Best (Non-Christian) Marriage Books

There are lots of good marriage books out there. In general, I prefer to read Christian books because I believe that God designed marriage, and that a Christian perspective is needed to understand marriage and live it out God's way. There have been a few non-Christian books that have greatly affected my marriage, however. This is that list.

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller—Probably the most insightful book I have read about relationships yet, this book covers the many facets of adult attachment and how they play out in partnered relationships. Written by two Israeli-Americans, a psychiatrist and a therapist, this book shared research is understandable and applicable ways. The authors state that humans are biologically wired for attachment, and “dependency is a fact; it is not a choice or a preference." The authors clearly define secure and insecure (anxious and avoidant) attachment types and give case studies on how these dynamics play out. From this book, I learned that anxious types engage in protest behaviors when attachment feels threatened, while avoidant types engage in disengagement strategies when closeness feels threatening. Ironically, anxious and avoidant types often get together, wreaking havoc in the long run, if couples do not work on it. Thankfully, “attachment styles are stable, but plastic.” The authors provide ways to both assess and address insecurity through self-assessment, self-reflection, and then effective communication with one’s partner. Knowing yourself and communicating needs for connection or space can do wonders at quieting protest or detachment behaviors. “Remain true to your authentic self,” the authors conclude. “Playing games will only distance you from your goal of finding true happiness.” Every person will be attached. The questions are to whom, and how that will happen.

Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do (and More Life to Live) by Eve Rodsky–It’s the book women everywhere are taking about, especially moms. It seems like it might be pro-feminist, but it’s really not. It’s not about equality, either. It’s about equity, and valuing male and female time equally in a committed marriage. Rodsky is about making marriage better, not just evening the playing field. Rodsky has a system of 100 cards/tasks to balance in a family. (Not all have to be played.) What struck me most was the idea that partners need to divide tasks and each conceive, plan, and execute their entire task. This relieves mental load and eliminates “both traps” where two people try to do the same thing, and random assignment of tasks (RATs) that can lead to nagging and bitterness. She also talked about establishing a “minimum standard of care” so that partners understand what is needed, at minimum, to call each task done. Rodsky writes with a blend of personal anecdotes, research, and stories she’s gleaned from families all over. Overall, she is encouraging families to live well, together, something which at least Americans could do more.

Making Marriage Simple: 10 Truths for Changing that Relationship You Have into the One You Want by Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt—While I didn’t agree with absolutely everything in this book, there is a lot of practical, helpful stuff here. The authors write extensively about childhood wounds, and how they affect marriage. They also talk about communication styles and how "imcompatability is grounds for marriage," and good marriage at that. Some of the exercises listed here seem repetitive and rote, but if practiced, I think they could actually work. The authors make a strong case for marriage, and make it seem possible to achieve a strong marriage. It's not rocket science, just commitment and work!

The Four Tendencies: The Indispensable Personality Profiles That Reveal How to Make Your Life Better (and Other People's Lives Better, Too) by Gretchen Rubin—Simple in theory, but revolutionary in application, this book goes into motivations and the expectations that affect action. The Upholder meets inner and outer expectations. The Questioner meets inner expectations. The Obliger meets outer expectations. The Rebel rejects them all. This tendency framework is probably to this era what the Meyers-Briggs was when it came out. It suggests responding to people differently according to their tendency (for example giving justification to the Questioner and cause, effect, and choice to the Rebel) and even motivating the self differently (eg Obliger tying tasks to people). My best friend suggested that I read this book to help me better understand my spouse, and man has it! No use fighting my husband's tendency or trying to motivate him the way I am motivated. This is a book that really respects people as individuals, and it is written so that almost anyone could benefit from it (probably because Rubin catered to all four tendencies). I highly recommend it!

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, PhD and Nan Silver—This may be one of Gottman’s best books yet! Based on empirical research, but made extremely practical through questionnaires and exercises contained in the book, these principles for making marriage work, and work well, are accessible to everyone! This book reinforced to me the importance of softened start-ups, accepting a spouse and treating them with love no matter their differences, and acknowledging dreams, even if they are not feasible. The book ends with the “Magic Five Hours” that keep marriages strong. Couples can easily invest five hours a week in their relationships, Gottman asserts, through rituals about partings, reunions, admiration and appreciation, affection, and a two hour weekly date. Marriage takes work, but it is doable work, and the positive benefits for health, relationships, and beyond are well worth the investment!
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Readers, do you have any great marriage books to share? Please post in the comments.

Don't Judge My Jeans (Or Whatever Pants I'm Wearing)

I didn't wear jeans until around fifth grade. I didn't like the way they fit or felt. I started wearing jeans when I moved to Arizona and was made fun of incessantly for my stretchy pants. I had a love/hate relationship with jeans shopping. I had to wear cowboy Wranglers for awhile to get them long enough. Later, I paid too much for Calvin Klein jeans that fit, but quickly ripped. I found some St. John's Bay jeans that fit for awhile, but then JC Penney stopped selling them. My last pairs of jeans were hand-me-downs from my Arkansas best friend. I outgrew one pair and the other is only good for winter. I told myself to look for new jeans and I occasionally did, but I didn't buy any last year. And I didn't for most of this year.

So what did I buy? Yoga pants and legging. They're not for everybody or every job, but they work for me. I spend a lot of my work days playing with kids. My body is constantly changing and fluctuating in size and yoga pants will fit most of the time. Yoga pants are cheaper and easier to clean than jeans anyway. And I can buy multiple pairs for the price of one pair of jeans. It seems like a win to me. And it feels more authentic.

Clothes are so much of a status symbol. And I'm not saying I'm immune. But what I am advocating for is more acceptance. Please don't judge me or the person next to me based on our pants (or our pant sizes!). You never know why a person wears what the clothes they wear. Those clothes might be all they have. Those clothes might be medically or job necessitated. Those clothes might be a marker of that person trying to accept their body. Those clothes might be just for comfort in a stormy season of life. Whatever the case, don't judge.

Side note: I did finally buy one pair of jeans. They're the same brand as my best friend hand-me downs, but decidedly shortly. They work with boots, so for this season, they'll do....

Authentic Living: Clothing

I bought new clothes a few Sundays ago. I haven't bought new clothes since, I don't know...last fall? I think I bought a coat and some yoga pants then. That Sunday? I bought three shirts (hello Target 3 for $20 sale) and a pair of long back yoga pants. It was hard for me. 

I don't like clothes shopping for a lot of reasons. First, I have to reconcile spending the money (which the Lord has given me, but which I often feel guilty using for myself). Second, I have to deal with choosing the clothes. Some people think it's easy to be a smaller size, and I know that thin privilege does exist, but I have to confess that I'm not comfortable in my body a lot of the time. Contrary to popular opinion, not all clothes look good on you when you're thin. They sag and gap and hang in all the wrong places. I also feel self-conscious wearing clothes that expose a lot of my long, gangly arms and legs. Finding clothes that cover me is difficult. Third, I recognize that I am "small" for my size, so I always want to buy clothes that are too big for me, arguing that I'll "grow into them." I want to buy for the future so that I won't have to experience the pain of getting rid of clothes that get too small.

But you know what? When I buy clothes that don't fit, I'm not living authentically. I'm not living in the now.  I recognize that I probably "should" gain weight to be a more healthy size, but this is where I am for today. So I'm embracing it and buying clothes that fit. Then I can enjoy wearing them and not leave them hanging in my closet. And if and when these clothes don't fit, I'll have to acknowledge that pain, process it, and purchase more clothes. Maybe Target will have another sale....

Authentic Living: Creative Expression

I got the urge to paint my toes bright green. I didn't know why. And I didn't even own neon green nail polish. So I bought some. Yes, it was a splurge. Yes, I bought a nail polish that was more expensive than some of the other options available. Yes, I might never use the nail polish again. Yes, I didn't need it in the physical sense.

But in the figurative, non-literal, self-care sense, I needed this. I needed to do something different. I needed to feel wild and crazy. I needed to indulge myself. 

I must admit that I initially felt a little bit guilty about this purchase, but then I realized that I spent a whole whopping $4. If I never use this nail polish again, but it met my intuitive need for authenticity on this day, it was worth it. (And I've rationalized my decision by telling myself that pedicures cost a lost more than $4. Pedicures aren't wrong either, just not what I needed on this day of life.) This is my form of creative expression, who I am in this moment. I'm embracing it. I'm embracing life.

Exploring Flagstaff

Arizona has so many great little places to explore. Flagstaff is one of them. My husband and I went to there just a few weekends ago. The real reason we went was for me to attend training, but we decided to make a weekend getaway of it. We'd been to Flagstaff before, but in our "not dating" phase, and that time, we only to stayed to hike and visit Chipotle. This time we did a little more.

We found this little park and ate lunch at it the first day:

Bushmaster Park

That evening, we dined at Collin's Irish Pub and Grill.

I wouldn't call my slider burger and sweet potato fries very authentic Irish food, or even really Irish, but the restaurant aura was nice with high booths, and wooden tables. The service was good, though I wish the waitresses had a little different attire. Since we went early, though, the atmosphere was overall pretty family friendly. In fact, we saw several families with kids come in while we were there.

After that, we walked around and explored downtown. There are so many shops and lots of fun kitschy things.

Some appropriate (and some not so much)

Sunday morning, we hiked at Campbell Mesa.

 The 2.7 Anasazi Loop was more of a walk than a hike, but we still enjoyed it.

We stopped at Bushmaster Park for lunch the second day as well.

And since we had work on Monday, we hightailed it down the mountain after I finished training. But I definitely think there's more to explore.

Until next time, Flagstaff!

Too Much

I can be a bit of a firecracker sometimes. I'm an oldest child. I have a Type A personality. I'm stubborn and hard-headed. And I have a lot of strong preferences.

Sometimes I worry that my personality is too much. I think I should be more soft and demure. More docile or tame and less opinionated. But then I realize that I really can't be. I have a fiesty nature. That's just who I am, and to change that would be to change the person God made me to be.

There is certainly a time and place for being polite and respectful, for withholding. I never want to purposefully offend people with my personality. And I don't want to camp on my opinions and preferences to the point that I'm ridiculously inflexible. I don't want to be rude or prideful or selfish. But I don't want to be fake, either.

More and more, God is revealing to me who I am and what I am about. That allows me to be more assertive in expressing my preferences, more firm with my boundaries, and more sure with my "Yes" or "No." And in a lot of ways, that is freeing.

So if I've offended you in something I've done, please tell me and let's talk about it. Maybe I need to change, or learn to be more soft in my authenticity. But if my personality offends you because it's too much, maybe we need to have a surface level, respectfully tolerant relationship and let the rest go.

And on the flip side, if I invest in you, know I'm trying, by God's grace, to living an authentic life. I'm quirky and weird and full of it sometimes, but that's me. What you see is what you get, and if I share with you, it's honest, and intentionally real. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Too much? Maybe. But this is the too much God has given me. And He's in control.