Marriage, Year One: Highlights

My post about our first year of marriage may have seemed like a downer. It wasn't meant to be, but I felt it necessary to post real life marriage before the highlights reel. I want to be  honest and truthful when I talk about marriage. It's not easy, at least ours isn't.  Marriage is a good gift from God, and also an incredibly refining experience. But without further adieu, on to the good stuff of the past year. I can't possibly compile all the highlights, but here are a few:

1. Wedding

That's what started this gig, so enough said! But seriously, it was a very special day, and we thank all of our family and friends who attended, as well as our pastor. Our ceremony was just about perfect.

2. Honeymoon trip

To anyone not yet married, don't let anyone convince you not to take a honeymoon. Those few days of bliss before we came back to real life and responsibilities were amazing. Turn off your phones. Enjoy getting to know each other. Make some memories. It's worth it!

3. College Homecoming

Out of the frying pan and into the fire! Chris willingly traveled on his birthday to go with me to my ten year reunion. We stayed with friends and I took him to lots of my old haunts and introduced him to even more people. He took it like a champ, and it was special to do this together.

4. Condo Buying

Buying a house was on my list of things that we should not do our first year of marriage. I wanted to settle and work on our marriage before jumping into major life decisions. Well, God had other plans and rapidly moved up our time frames. Here we are, having owned a condo for almost half the length of our marriage

5. Grand Canyon Trek

This was my husband's idea first, and quite frankly, very poorly timed with our other major life events. Hiking the Grand Canyon was on my bucket list for years, however, and I am so glad we crossed it off, together, and before COVID hit.

6.Visiting Washington

We planned this trip right after we got married. Then it fell right after we moved. Getting away and getting to see Chris' family and Seattle were a blessing, though. I'll totally go again.

7. A Mountain

This was our first official Phoenix hike, but also a hike off my bucket list. It felt fitting to welcome ourselves to the community this way. And yes, we are A versus U of A fans....

8. Camelback mountain

Another one off the bucket list, and not easy. Both Chris and I said we wouldn't have finished had not the other one been there. The sunrise and views were incredible! I'm glad we went when we did, as this is a crowded trail and I'm not sure I would go right now with the pandemic. 

9. Home Improvements

Buy a house, find a lot to do. We bought our house "move-in" ready, but it still needs some work. First, our water heater went out. We decided to buy a couch while we had the truck for that project. Chris put up lots of our pictures. He put up shelves and fixed a toilet. We ordered art from our Grand Canyon trip. I guess I should say I've been the recipient of home improvements because Chris made most of them. Still, it's been nice to make this our home together.

10. COVID dates

School and the pandemic have made getting out more costly in terms of time. I got the idea to have an indoor picnic when we got takeout, and then another night, we had a dine-in candlelight dinner. Chris made special breakfasts for us several mornings, and we've been trying to otherwise prioritize some "us" time. It's been a good respite from the monotony.

Real Life Marriage: One Month In

We've been married for one month, and marriage has been good, and awesome, and amazing. But it's also been hard. I expected it to be hard, but not in the ways it has been. One of my goals with my blog has always been to be honest and real. And since I've gotten married, I might as well be honest and real about marriage, too. 

(Photo courtesy of George Fletcher Photography)

So here's the first of (what might be) many posts on what I'm learning in marriage.

Communication: We haven't really had any fights (though we may at some point or another), but I've been fighting with myself. As in, it's been hard for me to communicate my needs, mostly probably because I don't want to need. But I do, and it's not fair to expect my husband to know what I need unless I tell him. So whether it's asking for a hug, or help around the house, or for the trash to be taken out, I have to say it. And that's new, and hard in ways I didn't expect.

Gender roles: I was blessed to grow up in a home where my mom stayed at home, and as a result, she did most of the chores around the house. I always assumed that's the way it should be. But the reality is that I work, a lot. And as I think about gender roles biblically, there's really nothing wrong that I can see with my husband cooking dinner, or doing dishes, or helping around the house sometimes. Yes, I want to do all those things all the time, but the reality is that I can't, or if I can and I do it, I'm a grouchy mess. So while I have the helper role in this relationship, I'm learning to accept (and appreciate) help, and that's been hard.

Independence: I've always prided myself on being strong and independent and able to" do it myself." When I got married, I knew that I was giving up my independence and some of my freedoms in exchange for interdependence. I was fine with that. What I didn't realize was the guilt that I'd feel over being dependent. I recognize that biblically my husband is my covering and my head, and so therefore I am his responsibility, but that's been hard for me. He tells me that he knew what he was signing up for when he said his vows, and I thought I did, too. But submission to God's design for interdependence has thus far been harder than actually submitting to my husband.

The "hard" of marriage might not be what I expected, but God knew. God knows. If marriage is about growth and sanctification (and I believe it is), this is just part of the process. And I'm all in. I've always been and forever will be.

Synonyms for Shame

I recently finished I Thought It Was Just Me (But It Isn't) by Brene Brown (2007). It's a book about shame and how it affects our society. (Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging....Shame creates feelings of fear, blame, and disconnection" (p. 30). It's definitely informed the way I think about some things, for example how I view my words. 

Case in point, when I say, "I've had a crappy day," I'm not usually saying that there's literally been poop all over my day. I'm saying my day's been bad. I'm saying I'm tired. I'm saying the day I've had feels disconnected from the life I'd like to live. I'm usually sending a signal that I either need love and acceptance and belonging.

A second example is when I say, "I feel crappy. " Sometimes I say that because I have stomach ailments. But most of the time it's because I feel self-conscious, run down, disconnected from myself and from others. I feel afraid. I feel ashamed. It just seems more socially acceptable to say the word "crappy." (Note that I didn't say socially correct.)

My own experience with synonyms for shame make me wonder what other code words are out there. And it makes me ask why we're so afraid of saying we're ashamed. Is it because we're guilty and don't want to change our behavior? Is it because in this culture of rampant individuality and self-seeking we don't want to be vulnerable and acknowledge that we don't have it all together? I don't know. I just know that using synonyms for what I'm really feeling isn't really honest or authentic or real. So now that I know how shame presents itself, maybe I need to call it out, and call it what it is.

Friends, do you use synonyms for shame? If yes, what words do you use? Please share below.

I Cried At Work.

Maybe it's because I was tired. Maybe it's because my buttons got pushed. Maybe I was hungry. I don't totally know why, but I cried at work.

And you know what? I'm not sorry about it. It shows I'm human. I have a heart. I think I handled myself as professionally as I could in the immediate situation. Then I let my tears out with my supervisor. What's more, I cried again when the issue came up again. And I'm going to choose to be okay with it because I feel.

A lot of people think I'm strong and have it all together. I do try to hold it together as much as I can, but ask those closest to me and you'll hear that I fall apart. Like majorly. So as much as this hurt, maybe it's a good thing that I cried at work. It shows that I'm integrating my true self into what I do both inside and outside of my home. I see at as a sign of growth, a sign of moving towards more authentic living, which is what I want, painful as it may be. (See Brene Brown's work for more on vulnerability.)

I'm linking up with Amanda at Running with Spoons for this Thinking Out Loud post.