Walking with the Spirit

This verse hit me in a new way recently. I am a striver, a perfectionist, someone who always senses a need to hustle for worthiness. (As Brene Brown says, "You either walk inside your story and own it or you stand outside your story & hustle for your worthiness.) Lately, I have felt like I am not striving after God's laws enough, not putting enough effort into spiritual disciplines, not sharing my testimony enough. But when I read this verse, following God suddenly became so simple: "Walk by the Spirit." The Spirit indwells believers at the moment of salvation, so I do not even have to chase after something outside myself (Eph 1:13). Rather, I have to fix my eyes on Jesus, walk with Him, and let Him do the work (Heb 12:2).

I am not suggesting that because of the Holy Spirit I have sinless perfection. I am not saying that I cannot sin when I walk with the Spirit, or that I cannot sear my conscience by repeatedly ignoring the Spirit's conviction about sin (1 Tim 4:2). What I am saying is that I think I have been trying to hard, trying to make the fruits of the Spirit a product of my effort instead of a result of me seeking Christ (Gal 5:22). The Christian life is not about striving, but about submitting. I need to do more of the latter and less of the former.

On Mistakes, Growing, and Moving On

I messed up. The error felt epically huge. And I didn't know what to do other than to own my mistake. But I wanted to fix it, to undo it, to not feel SO terrible about the problem I created. Brene Brown writes that, "When perfectionism is driving, shame is always riding shotgun and fear is the annoying back seat driver." I am a perfectionist, a recovering one, I think, yet I keep finding my perfectionism keeps cropping up in new places. And in this situation, it was definitely present because I was definitely afraid, so much that I dreamed about consequences of my mistake for most of the night.

After the night of difficult dreams and haunting reiterations of my mistake, I woke up and read these passages from Sarah Young's Jesus Always:

"I can smooth out all the tangled up places, including those in your mind and heart."

"Be willing to take responsibility for your own mistakes and sin without feeling responsible for the sinful failures of others."

"I am here to help you untangle your complex problems and find the best way to go forward."

"Beware of getting stuck in introspection or obsessing about how to fix things. Instead keep turning to Me, seeking My face and My will."

"Wait with Me, trusting in My timing for unscrambling things and making your way clear."

"Be willing to live with unresolved problems, but don't let them be your focus."

As I read, the Holy Spirit convicted me that my perfectionism was present, even in my shame. I wanted to fix everything...perfectly. I wanted to take all the blame for the problem so that I could find a perfect fix for the issue. I wanted a perfectly pretty resolution. The Spirit clearly showed me that I am not in control. I can only own up to my part of the issue. I cannot take responsibility for the way others respond. The issue at hand might not resolve, or it might not resolve like I want it to resolve. God is in control, not me. He's the only perfect one. I have to let go, admit my imperfection, and let God clean up the rest of the mess. Easier said than done.

Afghan 54

Pinterest is a great place to find baby blanket patterns. (Find my Projects board here.) The book of patterns my friend game me has been wonderful, but something I just want to search for something new. That is how this afghan came to be.

The pattern is baby bean by Left in Knots. The stitch is a variation of cluster and is repeated row after row. (I completed about 108 rows before edging in a single crochet stitch.) For the afghan, I used most of a Super Saver Jumbo skein of petal pink from Red Heart. The finished product measured 22 by 33 inches.

As for my hand, it lets me do about three rows of crochet a day, which is better than nothing when it comes to stress relief. The last shot of botox did not hurt much, but did not seem to help with the clenching and discomfort. The next step is hand therapy with a physical therapist. We'll see how that goes. This focal dystonia might just be something I have to live with.

Perfectionism, Rejection, and Authentic Living

I waited over a year for this opportunity. I attended multiple trainings, underwent a background check, and even sat through an interview process in order to get accepted. And now, after just a few times of serving, I asked to be taken off the list. I felt so shameful in doing so.

I wrote a few months ago about the rejection of children's church service and the pain of growing. And now here I am again. I don't know if children's ministry is not for me, or if this is just not the season. But for now, after receiving a, "Yes" to service from the church, the answer to my availability is, "No."

I wanted to justify myself today when I asked to be taken off the church ministry schedule. I wanted to give a reason for my request that would make sense. But I realized that the children's minister didn't need my explanation. She needed honesty and forthrightness and that was all.

But I didn't fully understand my own decision. I couldn't figure out why I felt so terrible and ashamed of myself for "resigning." God graciously brought me into the book Uninvited by Lysa Tykeurst this afternoon, however, and specifically to these sentences:

"This rejection doesn't mean I'm [whatever negative label or shame-filled feeling you are having], it makes this [opportunity] [person] [desire] a wrong fit for me right now. Instead of letting the feelings label me, I'm going to focus on God and His promises for good things." (p. 132).

All of a sudden, I had this realization that the shame I feel is a product of rejection, not the rejection of the church, but rejection that stems from perfectionism. The perfectionist side of me says that I have to be all things to all people. The perfectionist side of me asks why I can work with kids at my job five days a week and not add on a day of service at church. The perfectionist side of me condemns me for my lack of endless energy. The perfectionist side of me creates guilt and shame when I rest.

But guess what? I'm human. I'm not the Energizer Bunny. I can't be perfect, and I need to be honest about that, instead of ashamed of it. This is the real me, the me who needs to say, "No," right now. The me who needs to do less in order to focus on GOD, and what He sets before me to do. The me I need to learn to accept, instead of reject.

This is raw. This is real. This is hard. But this is authentic living.

Patriot Run 2017

I remember the day, June 30, 2013 that I heard the news: The Yarnell Hill Fire had overrun and killed 19 of Arizona's best firefighters. I felt sick. I wanted to do something to help. I wanted to go home. But I was in Arkansas and going to graduate school, so I couldn't.

Four years later, here I am, back at home, working in my hometown community (not necessarily with these families, but with other families like theirs), having the opportunity to give back. I am so thankful.

One of the ways I give back is by running the Patriot Run each year. This run commemorates the lives of the victims of September 11, as well as honoring the Granite Mountain 19.The race starts and ends at the Prescott Valley Healing Field which contains an American flag for each September 11th victim, and a black and purple flag for each firefighter. Each flag contains a card giving the name and background of each person. Walking through the field is powerful. Reading the tags can be excruciatingly painful.

After the healing fields, the race course wraps around the civic center and goes through the town plaza. There a bagpiper plays. The course is a little confusing, but at least this time they had good traffic control so that I wasn't stuck waiting for lights to change in order to cross the street.

Last year, I ran the Patriot Run thanks to an invitation from my mom. I ran that race, my first back in Arizona, in 29:08 minutes. This year, I've been running slower, so I didn't expect to finish as well. (I also didn't get enough sleep last night.) But lo and behold, I finished in 28:17. I'm so excited! And thanks to my wonderfully supportive parents, I had cheerleaders and photographers on hand for the event. 

Here are a few of the photos from the race:

And I have to admit, this t-shirt logo is pretty cool:

Tell me: How do you commemorate important events in your community's history? What fun activities have you been up to lately?

Please share below.

Coincidence?

"Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days."
~Ecclesiastes 11:1, KJV

I mentioned a few posts ago that I bought and sent some t-shirts to friends. A few days later, this arrived in the mail:

Can we say coincidence? No. As a follower of Christ, I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in blessings from God, and I see this gift as just that. See, I didn't buy and send t-shirts to friends to get something back. I did it because I love my friends and something (someone-The Holy Spirit) prompted me to do it. I'm guessing it was the same with the friend who sent the gift to me.

This shirt came at an especially difficult time, too, as I'm struggling with life decisions, work boundaries, and self-image. I need the reminder that faith is vital and can move mountains.

Coincidence? No. God knew I needed this. Thank you, Jesus.