Real Life Marriage: "Two are Better Than One"

King Solomon wrote in Ecclesiastes, "Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up" (New International Version, Ecclesiastes 4:8-9). Up until now, I always thought of this verse in terms of its first part: work. I saw marriage as a partnership that was supposed to help people be more productive and effective. Now I realize the truth of the second part: having a life partner helps us weather the storms of life.

I went through a weekend of hard stuff recently. My husband happened to be traveling at the same time. I coped the best I could, using all the tools I had with me. I called my husband frequently. My nervous system was wiped from everything, but I thought I was doing okay.

Then my husband returned home. I told him what was happening, and also that I could handle it on my own. I thought I could, or should. He tried to engage with me about the matter. I pushed him away. It was not right, but it was what I thought I had to do. After some long conversation and a meltdown, I finally agreed to let him back in as partner on things. I still was not sure I should, though.

The next day, I woke up and went to work, as I had while he was gone. Those work days without him had been hard, feeling like a sludge through mud thickened by a long storm. That day, though, was different. I felt more empowered, more able. I felt more connected to myself, and to others. The next day, though long and tiring, and still hard, felt similar. I could only attribute it to my husband being back home. I had my person. I knew he would be home when I got back there, that at least at home, I could be safe.

Wise King Solomon did not have the science accessible today, but he was onto something about two being better than one. People need people, and they do better in community. Scientists today attribute the value of social support, in part, to mirror neurons (Winerman, 2005). These are the type of brain cells that respond when we see other people say, think, do, or feel things. They are responsible for emotions like sympathy and empathy. I am no neuroscientist, but I would guess that our mirror neurons attune most to the people with whom we spend the most time (Regan, 2021). For me, that person is my husband.

There is also the process of co-regulation. Co-regulation is the process through which humans regulate themselves by drawing on the nervous system of another person (Khidekel, 2022). My husband is generally very calm. Sometimes this drives me nuts, because I want to see that he sees the urgencies and crises I see. He does, but he retains the ability to stay calm and regulated, and whether I like it in the moment or not, this helps me. It helps preserve the safety of our home environment (Double, 2021). It helps us help each other back up to better places when we fall.

Two are better than one. I am more acutely aware of that than ever. My husband is my person. He is committed to me. He gets me. He helps me. As we become more "one" over the course of our marriage, I hope that I will be a help to him as he is to me.

References:

Double, K. (2021, April 12). The co-regulation effect. Relationship restoration. https://relationshiprestoration.org/2021/04/12/the-co-regulation-effect/

Khidekel, M. (2022, September 16). Have you ever tried co-regulation? WonderMind. https://www.wondermind.com/article/coregulation/

New International Version. (2011). BibleGateway.com. http://www.biblegateway.com/versions/New-International-Version-NIV-Bible/

Regan, S. (2021, June 1). Why attunement is essential in relationships & how to practice it. Mind Body Green. https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/attunement

Winerman, L. (2005, October.) The mind's mirror. Monitor on psychology, (36)9, p. 48. https://www.apa.org/monitor/oct05/mirror